GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #144: THE AGE OF AQUARIUS

I'll be honest. I don't give a fuck about AQUARIUS, if not for David Duchovny. I liked RED SHOE DIARIES when I was a kid and looking for spank material. I loved X-FILES just like most of you did. And of course there was CALIFORNICATION, which I loved the shit out of. But AQUARIUS? I would not have watched it if not for Duchovny's portrayal of the main character.


The show is bad. Sorry. As a lifelong Duchovny fan, I wanted to like it. Every cliche you can think of is thrown into this show. Even the soundtrack is predictable. FUCK!


But the idea for the show? I love it. Pit Mickey Spillane against Charlie Manson? That's fucking perfect. That's what interests me about the show. Everything else sucks. Duchovny does the best job he can do with the shit he's given. Even the guy who plays Manson does his best. But fuck. I want to see Spillane vs. Manson. That's awesome, even if it's not the true story.


I don't want the true story here. I want the bizarro version. Spillane and Manson. To the death. Celebrity Death-match style. I won't get that, but I like that. It's better than what we're getting.


Although I do like the entire series being available on demand. That's pretty cool. I'm rooting for the show, I really am, but so far, I'm not impressed. I want to be. I want to believe. (Sorry. I couldn't help it.) But the cliched garbage keeps getting in the way.


The Manson rape scene is very good. It's highly unusual. But that's it.


I hope this show has more to offer. I want to like it.

POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS GOODREADS GIVEAWAY!

I'm giving away a signed copy of my third book, POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS, at Goodreads! Get in while the getting's good. Check it out here.

HEY FUCKERS #22: THE WORLD NEEDS A BIZARRO SOAP OPERA

My hero

When I was a kid, I envied George Newman, Weird Al's character in UHF. I wanted to have my own TV station where I could play shows about whatever the fuck paraded through my mind. Hell, I would have filmed me playing war games with my GI Joes, because I thought my adventures were rad. I wish I could be a programmer for my very own station.


Yesterday I saw my grandmother watching a compilation of popular scenes from DAYS OF OUR LIVES, except there was some weird storyline about a demon or a vampire or I don't know what the fuck. I could have sworn it was PASSIONS, I asked her if DAYS OF OUR LIVES really had a horror story arc. She said it had happened in the 'Eighties. I guess they were trying to capture the interest of people who missed DARK SHADOWS . . . ?


And then it occurred to me that there should be a bizarro soap opera. Why the fuck not? I thought I should write that book, but it wouldn't appeal to me much in book form. No, I would want it to be a TV show, for sure.


I started thinking about the characters, and I'm pretty sure I have a few winners. Obviously, the show has to revolve around a wealthy family. Husband, wife, two kids (one boy, one girl) and a pet. I'm thinking the husband is a Batman type of superhero, and none of the family knows about the secret headquarters their mansion hides. The wife is a serial killer, and she's being hunted by her husband, but neither one of them knows the other's identity. And she's just brutal. Cannibalism. Sex torture. You name it. Their girl, the older of the siblings, is incredibly hot, but she's got an insane, Monk-type list of phobias that keeps her confined to her bedroom where she spends her days eating spiders because spiders are the one thing she's not afraid of. Their boy tries to run an Encyclopedia Brown kind of detective agency, except he's profoundly stupid and can't do the job. Their pet is a dragon who routinely burns down neighbors' houses and constantly gets the family in trouble. Speaking of the neighbors, one of them thinks he's the action star version of Liam Neeson, but he's a clumsy motherfucker, and he never knows what his prostitute daughter is up to for real.


And then there's the extended family. A vampire uncle who tries to hide the fact that he's a vampire, even though EVERYONE knows he's a vampire, and his pedophile caretaker. Their wacky grandfather is Charlie Manson. A cousin is a writer who, instead of spending his time writing, is obsessed with his Twitter numbers and all the fights he gets into with people online. Another uncle is a deformed guy who has a normal sized head, but the rest of his body is super-tiny, like, the size of an ice cube, and he constantly tries to hatch I-shall-rule-the-world schemes which are usually foiled by his tendency to over-think things.


I think their neighborhood needs an Irish cop walking the beat. Nothing fancy, just the stereotype times a thousand.


What do you think? Do any of my readers have the kind of money and connections necessary to make this happen? I'd do a Kickstarter, but what network would give me the chance to air this show?


Maybe we could get Rex Hamilton as Abraham Lincoln in there. What's he doing these days?

[EDIT: Ah, fuck. Looks like Rex Hamilton is dead. Never mind, then.]

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #143: A DAY WELL SPENT (?)

When I took this week off, I did so with the understanding that I would do next to nothing the whole time, that I would stay off my ass due to my broken tailbone to give it a chance to heal before I had to go back to my desk job, where I spend 8 hours a day sitting on the broken bone that should be healing. A lot of shit came up. There's some shit that I'm not ready to talk about yet. It's fucking grim, but I . . . I'm just not ready to go there yet.

Today, I promised myself I would do nothing but indulge my new Netflix habit. The only thing I did today was cash my paycheck. Aside from that, I spent the day in bed watching Netflix, and I'm very proud of that. I loaded down with painkillers and stayed off my ass. The only time I sat down was long enough to drive to the bank on my doughnut. And to McDonald's for lunch. But that's it. How did my day go?

Very nice, actually. I remember being an hour in and feeling very distant from myself, as if I were floating above my body watching me watching Netflix. Wonderful. My entire body was numb, and I didn't even want to move to dispel the feeling.

And then I turned over. Much to my surprise, I had a heavy dick. Usually that's a nice feeling, but today it was annoying. It was made even worse by the hole in my boxers, which I kept sticking out of. My dick got in the way of everything as I shifted around to make sure none of my body started suffering pins and needles. My balls annoyed me even more because they hung down waaaaaay lower than usual. I had to keep them out of the way when I took a shit earlier today.

By the sixth hour, the inevitable happened: my heavy dick turned into a full-on erection. Nothing prompted it, which is kind of weird. Usually, at the very least it takes a car ride to get things moving down there. This came as a result of nothing. There wasn't even a sexually suggestive scene on Netflix. It just happened.

I decided to get rid of this unwanted boner. It took me a while to find a comfortable position, and I started jerking off. Except . . . I didn't feel anything. My entire body, my dick included, felt numb. These painkillers took away the joy of masturbation. How horrible is that?

Not that bad, actually. I'd rather have no pain and an awkward hard-on than have a satisfied dick with horrible pain. Still, this marks the first time I've ever failed to jerk off. Although I am getting used to these pills, so . . . I wonder if I need to start doubling up on this shit. Ha-ha, just kidding. I think.

I just realized that it would have been very awkward if I'd died in that moment. How often do paramedics have to haul out corpses with full hard-ons? I keep thinking about the body bag tenting up in the middle, and reporters staring at it, laughing with their hands over their microphones.

Tomorrow is the last day of my vacation, and I have to do shit, sadly. But I hope to dedicate most of my day to further exploration of Netflix. That feeling of zoning out to nearly the point of paralysis? That felt pretty good. Peaceful. I'd like to experience that again before I have to go to work.