FUTURE BOOZE JESUS 5: SUPERSIZED EDITION

The one thing that bothers me about this advice column is that there’s a two-week lag on answering you folks. I’m the son of God. I can do better. To remedy this situation, I’ve decided to answer ALL OF YOUR FUCKING QUESTIONS NOW! This way, if you ask me something today, you will have your response in exactly ONE WEEK. You are welcome. Now . . . ON TO THE MAIL BAG!



Our first question actually comes via text from Rico, who asks: “Who would win in a fight? FBJ or Ricodoz? Put that on your website and drink it.”

Future Booze Jesus says: You fool! There is no question of my victory over a swine like you! You’re a shell of a man with no drinking ability whatsoever! While I am busy doing grand, messiah-type things, like turning water into booze and crippling Amazonian warriors with the sheer size of my Jesuscock, you are passed out and puking all over yourself! BEHOLD!

Even if you somehow managed to gather your wits about you, I would D-Dolla’ Holla’ you into submission. NEXT QUESTION!


Purple Rain asks: “I enjoy taking bubble baths all the time. Sometimes while in there I think of my co-workers. Is it wrong to tell people at work of my post curricular activities at home and show them pictures of it?”


Future Booze Jesus says: Shit. Who hasn’t emailed a picture of their junk to a loved one? If we had photography in my day, I would have done it all the time. My cock has a halo and is a thing of true beauty. Anyway, bubble baths are fun, especially if you make your own bubbles. I encourage this activity, especially if you’re thinking of D-Dolla’ when you’re waxing the weasel in the tub. I think you should tell him about it. In great detail. And gently touch yourself as you do so. NEXT QUESTION!


Iceman asks: “Is it true Val Kilmer hasn’t been hired on for any future movies because no one is willing to fork over the dough for the enormous craft services it would require?”


Future Booze Jesus says: How dare you sully this advice column with your vicious lies? Val Kilmer is like the hottest chick at the party. You know the type; she’s so beautiful that she intimidates guys, who then don’t get the guts to ask her out. Kilmer’s talent is so overwhelming that not even Jerry Zucker can stand to look him in the eyes. He drove Nic Cage to tears in BAD LIEUTENANT 2. He made Karl Urban—Judge fucking Dredd himself—feel like a lesser man in COMANCHE MOON. He makes Chuck Norris doubt himself! Ever notice that Kilmer was never invited to play a role on WALKER? CHUCK HAS THE FEAR! So Kilmer has resorted to making his own movies, starting with his forthcoming Mark Twain masterpiece. “Bible and sword!” NEXT QUESTION!

Tina asks: “What does a nuclear explosion taste like? I’ve always thought it’d be a bit salty.”

Future Booze Jesus says: It tastes like Mary Magdalene’s asshole. For her day, she was pretty hot, but she just didn’t keep herself clean. We didn’t have toilet paper back then, you see, and she was too busy bathing my feet with her hair than to actually take a bath herself. Big events must have extreme tastes. Birth tastes like wet pussy, and death tastes like an unwiped butt hole. NNNNNNNNNEEEEXXXXXXTTTTTT QQQQQUUUUUEEEEEESSSSSTTTTTTTIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!!!!

OsamaFan69 asks: “I got stopped in customs at O’Hare. My genitals were groped by a large bald man, and then he found the weapons grade plutonium I had hidden up my ass! Can you break me out of prison?”

Future Booze Jesus says: Enjoy the cockmeat sandwich you’ll be getting at Git-Mo, you fool! We all know how he found your nuclear nugget! When he touched your dick, you got hard! You rubbed his bowling ball melon, and he invited you back into the office where he tried to give you a much needed prison hug! You would never have been caught if you hadn’t encouraged the pig! There’s some good news, though; considering plutonium’s half-life, you probably won’t survive for much longer. You might even be dead by the time you read this. Next time send the plutonium through snail mail via lead envelope. NEXT QUESTION!


[EDITOR: UM, YOU DIDN’T ACTUALLY ANSWER HIS QUESTION, FBJ.


FBJ: YES, I DID.


EDITOR: NOT REALLY.

FBJ: MY ANSWER WAS IMPLIED.


EDITOR: CLARITY ISN’T ONE OF YOUR STRONG SUITS, IS IT?

FBJ: *sigh* FINE. OSAMAFAN69, IN RESPONSE TO YOUR QUESTION, THE ANSWER IS NO. NEXT QUESTION, PLEASE.]


Roy asks: “My dad caught me jacking off in the bathroom!!! Now he thinks I’m gay because I was looking in the mirror while I did it! What should I do?”


Future Booze Jesus says: You must kill your father. Sorry Roy, but there’s no other way. He knows your secret, and he must be silenced before he tells anybody. First he’ll tell your mother, and then his drinking friends. Rumors of your homosexuality will be spread around his place of employment. Hell, by the end of the week his bowling team might know about it. All of their kids go to school with you (they are the next step in the equation, after all), and you will be the laughingstock of your class. Nip this in the bud immediately and murder him. And next time, lock the fuckin’ door, will ya’? NEXT FUCKING QUESTION!


Well, actually we have no more questions. We do have a few comments, though. I see the Palp has stopped by to say hi, and to you sir, I say welcome. I can’t wait to see what Machiavellian maneuvers you will try here.

P says: “HAHAHAHA . . . . I don’t have a question, I just stopped by to laugh my ass off at that bubble bath question and commend you, Future Booze Jesus, for being the free-minded individual that you are who simply DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK :)”


Thank you, P. But I am no one special. Anyone can do this, provided they get hammered enough to let their inhibitions go. Give it a try sometime.


Angela Rutherford says: “Can’t wait to see you at the apocalypse! You’re soooo hot FBJ!!! Just look for the blonde with big tits wearing a cross around her neck!”


We don’t have to wait much longer, Angela. To quote a great man, “The future’s uncertain and the end is always near.” When we finally see each other, I will adorn you with a pearl crucifix.

My nemesis, Future Booze Satan stopped by to leave me with these words: “Hey FBJ! Suck my rancid asshole! Yo momma was a slut, all the fly gods stuck it in her! Face!”


Future Booze Jesus says: You are hilarious. I wonder how you can talk with that cock in your mouth all the time. And isn’t it hard to type when you’re jerking off your ladyboy brother with one hand and fisting yourself with the other? May your days be filled with dildo accidents and your evenings with dripping, syphilitic goat dicks. I wish all the joys of being sodomized with a chainsaw on you and yours. Good luck with the rape trial!


Well, that’s all I have for this week. Post questions below and pray for an FBJ 6. And remember: drink of my cum and eat of my cock, for these are the only things that will get you into Heaven. No, really. It’s in the Bible. Look it up.