FUTURE BOOZE JESUS 6

I’m back! Yes, I am risen, you fools! You thought I was dead because I didn’t have a column for you last week. Well, you were half-right. I was dead DRUNK! I think I will take MODERN DRUNKARD MAGAZINE’s advice and start naming my hangovers. But enough of this gibberish! On to the mailbag!



The Adonis asks: “Real simple, is Charlie Sheen WINNING?”


Future Booze Jesus says: You bet, just as he always has. I’ve heard a lot of his quotes of late, and I’m having difficulty in trying to find what people find crazy about him. He’s just a guy who knows what he likes, and he knows what it takes to achieve this. He lives life the way he wants to, and that scares ordinary people. The average person wants to live free of society’s expectations, but the Fear keeps him in check. Sheen doesn’t have the Fear. People say he was crazy for fucking up a good thing by torpedoing TWO AND A HALF MEN. Gentlemen, I say he was crazy for sticking with that show for so many years. Sure, it added to his coke-and-whores fund quite a bit, but can you imagine being a free spirit shackled by network censors for years? Soar like an eagle, Charlie, and fuck the trolls. Who needs ‘em? NEXT QUESTION!


Rico (a proud non-ginger) asks: “Remember that episode of DIFFERENT STROKES where Sam the ginger got kidnapped? Why would someone kidnap a ginger?”


Future Booze Jesus says: Ah, Rico. Welcome back. You are clearly unaware of the powers gingers possess. They can restore your youth, but you have to milk them properly, or their ginger juice turns into a poison. Also, they are good at fetching things. NEXT QUESTION!


Zip asks: “Let’s say I know this guy named Chris. Crap, I mean John. Yes, John. His roommate bugs him all the time to actually do things. All he wants to do is be by himself and lay around. Recently John’s roommate said he was moving out and he is worried that no one will support his laziness. John is now confused and lonely. What should he do?”


Future Booze Jesus says: Hm, this scenario sounds familiar. Zip, I won’t lie to you. Let’s get down to brass tacks. Cut this John character loose. Nature finds a way, and slugs always manage to survive. John will find someone else to look after him, because there’s a sucker born every minute. However, I recognize that cutting him loose might not be enough. You may need to encourage his suicide. No one likes a downer, and if he were to die, the world would brighten up just a little bit. Tell him to kill himself for the good of the world. Maybe leave a bottle of pills lying around. Or a gun with one bullet in it. Leave some razorblades on the edge of the tub. He’ll get the idea. NEXT FUCKING QUESTION!

Not Dave Damasssssssssk asks: “Does soaking a tampon in vodka and then putting it in your rectum really work? Should I try it? Have you tried it? Would you try it? I am pretty poor at the moment and could use a ‘getting drunk on a budget’ type tip or five. Thanks in advance!!!”


Future Booze Jesus says: YOU FOOL! If you’re putting booze in your asshole, you’re doing it wrong! There is no excuse for not being able to get drunk on a budget. If you think you’re stretching a dollar, think about this: homeless people every day manage to get enough cash for booze. Sometimes, they can get the good stuff. If they can do it, you can do it. I recommend Cold Brook Whiskey, which you can get for $9.99 a handle at Corner Cottage on North Avenue. It’s far from good, but you’ll get trashed just the same. If you’re going out to a bar or restaurant, fill a flask with some of this stuff. Never buy drinks in public. It’s too expensive, unless you’re at the Spring Inn in Elmhurst. Cheap shots and cheap beer. You can’t go wrong. If all else fails, skip a few meals. As your messiah, I advise you to remember that booze is more important than food. If you’re hard up enough, you can always find someone to give you a sandwich. No one wants to give you free whiskey.

I hope I have enriched your lives for yet another week. If you have any quandaries or comments, please post them in the comments below. Barring another horribly awesome drinking binge, I feel certain you’ll get your answers next Friday. Until then, celebrate the 17th year of Charles Bukowski’s passing by watching BARFLY and FACTOTUM. That should get you through next week.

[NOTE:  FBJ IS LYING TO YOU.  NEXT FRIDAY IS C2E2, AND I WILL BE TOO BUSY COVERING THAT FOR THE NAPALM ASSAULT TO POST A NEW FUTURE BOOZE JESUS.  STILL, FEEL FREE TO LEAVE QUESTIONS BELOW.]