EVERYONE'S GOT ONE #6: THE MESSAGE IS LOUD AND CLEAR: THE STATE OF ILLINOIS DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WRITING

All right, Illinois has been in some financial trouble for quite some time. It’s no secret that the state I call home is pretty close to going bankrupt. Governor Pat Quinn is looking anywhere he can to find a place where he can tighten the proverbial belt. A lot of shit’s getting cut, and one of those things frankly surprised the shit out of me.



It’s official: high-schoolers in the Land of Lincoln no longer need to pass writing exams on everyone’s favorite annual standardized tests. According to Schools Superintendent Christopher Koch, “Writing is one of the most expensive things to assess.” How expensive? By the government’s calculations, they think they’re going to save $2.4 million with this move.


Okay, that’s no small number. But is the cost to education worth the sacrifice? Let’s think about this for a second. As a writer, my first impulse was to condemn this action because it’s inexcusable that many adults don’t know how to put a complete sentence together. And these are people who supposedly passed the aforementioned writing exam when they were younger. Writing is a very important skill to have, even if you’re not crafting a best-selling novel. Communication is key in this world, and if you can’t use the written word, you’re going to be left behind.


But then the selfish part of my mind took over. I realized that if more and more people were going to make it to adulthood without knowing the essentials of writing, then I would have a lot less competition when it came to selling stories in the future. Yeah, I know. I’m not proud of that thought. But I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t occurred to me, and that’s one thing I’ll never do to you here at EVERYONE’S GOT ONE. (If you don’t believe me, wait until you read next week’s installment.)


I’m not Captain Grammar (even if a lot of people think I am). I end sentences with prepositions all the time. (But you can’t accuse me of dangling participles. I don’t use ‘em, not a one.  And I haven't misplaced a modifier in 25 years.) Yet when you get down to it (and check it out, I began a sentence with the word “yet,” and that’s a big no-no), putting words together into sentences and then stringing said sentences together into a paragraph that not only means something but also MAKES SENSE is an important skill and always will be.


My biggest fear is that the decision made by the State of Illinois will breed a lot of people who think “lol” is a word. Let’s face it, people HAVE to type, whether it’s a simple text to a friend or an email to your boss or an update on your Facebook. Right now, text shorthand is in fashion. No one can ever “be right back.” They BRB. As a result, I don’t think it’s out of the question to believe that we can look up LMAO in the Oxford Dictionary, say, ten years from now, and find a proper definition and etymological history.


But at the same time, like I said before, people with grammatical skills will always be needed by our society. Someone’s got to write text books, for example. And can you see your boss hiring someone who uses emoticons on his resume? Considering how Joe Average rapes the English language every day, it’s surprising we’ve made it this far. With this in mind, I can’t help but think that we’ll survive this ridiculous school cut. Because while people like me will always be needed, people like me will find ways to make love to the written word, rose pedals, candles and all.


So I’m not worried about the future of the written word in the State of Illinois. No matter how hard people try to kill writing skills, they will never die. You can kick the shit out of them, sure, but they will never jump off this mortal coil. Do you disagree? Let me know in the comments below. (See? I ended a sentence with a preposition, and I’ll probably do it again.)