THE CENTURY'S BEST HORROR FICTION #83: A review of "One for the Horrors" by David J. Schow

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When it comes to Schow, you’ll get one of two things: a splatterpunk masterpiece or a movie fanboy’s jerk-off fantasy. Unfortunately for us, Pelan has chosen the latter by printing this one.



Clay Colvin is a movie buff’s movie buff. He knows everything about every flick that has ever been released. He’s lead a solitary life since his wife Marissa died, so he spends a lot of time frequenting art house theaters, watching oldies on the big screen. He lucks into the J.A. Bijou, where he notices something odd about the movies they screen.


You see, these are the original films, not the cut ones that the public is so used to. (It bears noting, in this DVD extras world, that back in the ‘Eighties, there were no deleted scenes. You were stuck with the theatrical release.) The missing giant spiders scene from KING KONG. The original NOSFERATU. A version of PSYCHO where Janet Leigh shows off her tits in the famous shower scene. All of that stuff and more. No one seems to know where these prints came from, and the distribution company offers no answers, either. After a while, Clay stops looking a gift horse in the mouth and enjoys what no one on earth, aside from the original filmmakers, has seen.


That’s kind of intriguing, if you’re a fan of that kind of thing. But the problem is, the story really doesn’t go anywhere. Why are you supposed to care about this situation? It seems to exist solely so Schow can vigorously spank his monkey at the mere thought of really seeing this stuff. Besides that, what about his dead wife? She’s mentioned in a throwaway moment early in the story, almost as if Schow was mentioning it just to mention it. It has zero bearing on the rest of the story.


SPOILER ALERT: Well, kind of. Almost incidentally, the theater burns down when one of the celluloid films catches fire. Clay tries to save these one-of-a-kind movies, and while Schow doesn’t come out and say it, he loses his life in the process. Then, at the very end of the story, we witness Clay sitting down to watch the uncut THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING. Sitting by his side is Marissa with a fresh batch of popcorn.


It seems that Schow mentioned the dead wife only so he could have this moment, which is contrived as all hell. He isn’t a bad writer (his splatterpunk is truly something to behold), but every once in a while, as evidenced here, he gives in to his relentless fanboy nature. Maybe it makes other fanboys happy, but this does not make a story. END OF SPOILERS.


Think back to when KILL BILL was playing theaters. Which volume did you like better? 9 out of 10 people will say part two, because that’s where the good stuff happened. That’s where the story happened. Part one was Quentin Tarentino feverishly rubbing not one but several orgasms out. It was fun but ultimately meaningless. Skip this one.


[This story first appeared in WHISPERS and cannot be read online at this time.]