GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #431: HOUSE 2: THE SECOND STORY

 

So the other day I had some time to kill, and Ty Franck mentioned a movie on Ty and That Guy that sounded right up my alley. It was something akin to a slasher movie where no one dies, but I couldn't remember the name of it for the life of me. All I knew was that it was on Shudder. Well, I have Shudder. Let's see if I can find it.

Nope. No luck. But while flipping through movies I saw an old favorite. That's right. House 2: The Second Story. (The first House movie was fucking awesome. The fourth? Ehhhhhh, let's forget about that one. For many years I thought they just skipped three, but when I was in Ireland back in 2000, I found it in a video store over there. I believe I rented it and thought it blew, but that might be the Mandela Effect. I've discovered this phenomenon has been working pretty heavily on me as of late.)

So why not watch this one again? It's been probably 15 years. Let's see if it holds up.

Long story short: It does. And I forgot what a massive influence it was on me from when I saw it as a child. It's a weird western tale, and I love those. Love writing 'em, too. It's batshit crazy, and I'm a huge fan of that kind of thing. It's got Royal Dano in there and holy shit, is that Bill Maher?! Yes it is. Once again playing an asshole. (Probably not acting, either.)

And that shit with Cliff from Cheers? Goddam, I forgot how much ridiculous pulp action fun that was! Why did they not make any more movies about the electrician adventurer? I would have watched more than a dozen movies about his adventures alone.

It felt good to go through this one again. If you've never seen it, and you have Shudder, what are you doing reading this? Go watch it. And if you've seen it, go ahead. Watch it again. Doctor's orders.

Bill Motherfucking Towner!

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #430: IMPENDING DREAD

 A while back, you may remember that I had to have my garage torn down since it was a neighborhood eyesore and a hazard to anyone who might be standing inside of it at any given moment. I really didn't want to tear the garage down for a variety of reasons, but as the weather gets colder, some of the secondary reasons have become primary.

Every day I go to work I have to defrost the windshield of my car. And I can't use a scraper because the frost is too fine. I have to sit and wait for the moment when I can finally see just enough of the world outside my windshield. I never had to do that when my car had a roof over it.

And very soon we'll be seeing snow. Fuck snow. Now I'll have to start brushing my car off every morning, too, but I'll have to wade through snow where once a roof protected the floor from it. And I'll probably have to start salting that platform that stands testament to what had once been there. I do not look forward to shoveling out the alley, too. Last year proved I no longer have the physical ability to do this due to my bad leg. I can't imagine how horrible the next few months are going to be for me.

Welcome to the End Times. Time to get familiar with cannibalism . . .

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #429: AN UNDERSTANDING OF HISTORY

 I'm sure you recall my obsession with Gore Vidal's Empire books upon my escape from the psych ward. I found myself in a Half Price Books in Orland Park on Sunday, and I picked up a couple more Vidal historical novels. (And a crime novel he wrote under a pen name before he was Gore Vidal. But that's a story for another day.)

To borrow from Dan Carlin, I'm not a historian. I'm a fan of history. One of the things I truly enjoy about this series is that Vidal didn't rely on history class notes. He went out in search of the Truth (before the age of the internet, no less!) and wrote these books from that perspective. That got him into some trouble. For example, his theory that Hamilton accused Burr of fucking his own daughter. Or Lincoln's plan that, upon abolishing slavery in the US, he would send all former slaves to Grenada. Ending racism by deporting all former slaves, thus making US a white only country, is a very bizarre plan, but it was also a very real plan.

I wonder if I would have been upset by these "revisionist" theories if I hadn't learned distrust in what I was told as a teenager. Because I bought everything I learned in history class up until Mr. Tourney's class, where I was introduced to 1984 and the concept of doublespeak.

Try an experiment. Try sitting through ten minutes of Fox News sometime. My grandmother watches it religiously, and I pay attention when I'm with her. The biggest boogeyman these nutjobs have right now is something called Critical Race Theory. They are appalled that propaganda is being taught in schools.

And they're right. Just not the way they think. First off, CRT is not taught to children but to college students. But never mind that for now because I have a problem with the propaganda being taught to children as young as 5 years old.

If you know me, then you know my go-to move, which is a pop quiz, hotshot. Who discovered America? A lot of people will say Columbus. Those who are smarter than the average bear will mention the Vikings who got there long before that Italian asshole. But that's wrong, too. It's hard to discover a land where people had already been living for thousands of years.

And if you dare to suggest that Columbus was a slaver and a rapist and a murderer, then God's mercy on you. Why is that idea so difficult for most Americans to digest? It's because they were indoctrinated at an early age. Gotta get 'em when they're young and impressionable, as the cigarette companies used to say. It's a very powerful form of brainwashing. It's so sugar-coated that it makes me want to hurl. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Most people find it hard to believe that the Founding Fathers who said that all men are created equal, didn't actually mean that, but they did. Who counts as those "men?" You gotta be white, male and a landowner. I'm sure if they would have thought about it, those men would also have to be heterosexual. Hell, by their standards most of us wouldn't be able to vote, either. Renting an apartment? Stay at home, non-landowner.

I believe that we're in this mess because of this propaganda that we were all--ALL--exposed to as children. It never occurs to most that what they learned in school might actually be a nefarious plot to force your allegiance to your country. But those godless Commies in China? They need to stop their propaganda and teach their kids the truth!

It's a fucking mess. It really is. Land of the Free really is the biggest lie we were ever taught in school. Because it never has and probably never will be. I'm all for teaching CRT to children. Otherwise this problem is going to continue ad infinitum.

This is a shirt I actually own. It's in my house somewhere.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #428: AL CALAVICCI

 

Dean Stockwell recently died. I thoroughly enjoyed just about every role I saw him in. It's hard to believe now, but back when he was in stuff like Night Gallery, he was considered a sex symbol and was touted to be the new James Dean. Weird, right? But that's how it went.

Of course my favorite character of his was Al Calavicci, Sam's best friend and holographic partner on Quantum Leap. The things that I always dug were the ridiculous outfits he would wear in the long distant time of the 'Nineties. Goddam, look at that picture above. Al would wear any crazy shit he could think of, and sometimes his outfits blinked. The most normal thing he ever wore was his Navy uniform.

And it reminded me and my brothers of Gramps. Whenever there was an important event--like a graduation, funeral, etc.--he would dress up in this ridiculous suit that hurt the eyes. He was either fucking with us or he really loved that fucking outfit. He was a vain main when it came to clothes, so I think it was the latter. It was so crazy we called it his Al Calavicci suit. Al would have worn something like that.

I didn't have much to do with the final arrangements for Gramps, but I had a sneaking suspicion that turned out to be true for his own funeral. I went up to the coffin and saw that, yes, he was wearing that suit even in death. It made me smile.

Then I sat with my family while we waited for my brothers in Crystal Lake to show up. When they did, they both laughed and pointed. One of them said, "He's wearing the Calavicci suit!"

I wish I had a picture of him in that get up. You wouldn't believe the lunacy of it. But when we get down to it, the littlest things sometimes bring us the greatest joys. Yeah, I know, I'm not the first to say that, and I won't be the last, but conversely the littlest things can anger us the most. It's a testament to their power.

Enjoy the little things. They'll help you get through life.

Bonus Al!

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #427: BATTLE OF WITS

 So every morning for the last few months I would walk out my back door to head out to my car. Every morning there is a tiny bunny out there waiting for me. Kind of.

The reason for this is because my front yard is a breeding ground for rabbits. So is my neighbor's backyard. This happens every year.

Every morning that bunny and I have a battle of wits. I just want to get to my car so the little fella doesn't freak out. The little fella wants me to go away so he doesn't have to freak out. And every morning, every single goddam morning, he freaks out and runs toward my car so that when I get closer, he freaks out again.

Then there was one time I came home from work, and there the little fella was in my backyard. Except this time, when I start for my back door, he has a choice. Run away from me and at a furiously barking dog two doors down or run from the scary dog toward me.

The fucker chose to run toward the dog. Am I that scary, little fella? At least I never barked at you, buddy.

I haven't seen the little fella in about a month. I hope nothing ate him.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #426: THE NOSTALGIA OF SMELLS

 So yesterday I saw Dune in Bolingbrook. I had to drive through Darien to get home. As I did so I caught a whiff of something I haven't smelled in a long time: burning leaves. And it filled me with a warm and comfortable feeling.

Yeah, I know. Burning leaves is bad for the environment, which is why I don't do that and I'm not going to start. But it fills me with a nostalgic feeling because I remember when my dad lived in Winfield, he would do that every fall. This scent took me back to my childhood for a moment, and I kind of liked that.

It also reminded me that people used to burn most of their garbage, but that's a story for another day.

(Seriously. When you're in a town where sidewalks are scarce, you're probably seeing ditches in front of houses with drains at the end. That's where leaves and garbage were burned.)

I thought about all the other smells that bring me back. Old Spice will bring my grandfather back from the dead for me. The smell of gasoline will always remind me of when I was a kid and loved inhaling those fumes. My grandma would always tell me not to do that because I was killing brain cells. Keep in mind that's the same kid who wanted to go swimming in trash.

Certain perfumes or shampoo will bring back the memoires of women who have been kind enough to sleep with me. Well, I could go on forever.

The thing I think of mostly is how a lot of authors ignore the sense of smell in favor of sight and hearing. Why do that? Use all five senses when describing things. It enhances the experience for your readers. If you're writing a horror story about a guy in a pit of corpses, are you going to focus on the gross visuals and the squelching sound as the character sinks in? Sure, and that's fine, but if you're leaving out the stink? You're missing a step. Wouldn't you also like to describe the feeling of rotten flesh slipping off the bone? Or what if the character accidentally gets corpse goo in their mouth? Wouldn't you want to describe that taste?

I didn't mean this to become a writing tip type thing. It was just something I was thinking about since Sunday, and I'm high right now. Goodnight.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #425: MY THOUGHTS ON DUNE

Dune and I go way back. I'm a big fan of the series. Eh, let me walk that back a little. I'm a fan of the first four books. After that, I lost interest really fast. I gave the first prequel book a try, but I didn't dig it. My favorite is God Emperor of Dune because it's so batshit crazy. I liked the David Lynch version but found it lacking. The Syfy version(s) are pretty good. When I heard there would be another version I thought maybe we didn't need it.

It turns out we did. I saw it yesterday, and while I enjoyed it I found a lot to not like about it, too. It's a good movie, but it's not as great as everyone seems to think it is.

Here's what I liked. The 'thopters. I had a bit of a hard time getting my mind around the concept when I first read the book, but seeing it here explained a lot. I liked what they did with the Voice and made it seem more menacing than before. I loved what they did with the personal shields. And the sandworms look fucking majestic, and seeing them filled me with awe. I never felt awe when watching the Lynch version, for example. They are forces of nature, and they are not to be fucked with.

In fact, it's a beautiful looking movie. You can't not say that about it, no matter what your problems might be. But you know how I feel about style over content. While I can dig some of that stuff, I don't think that kind of thing is capable of being great.

And that's where my complaints begin because the content does not match up with the style. It doesn't come close. While the concept is high and excellent, the execution leaves a lot to be desired. The only characters who come off as people are in the Atreides group. We spend time with them. We get to know them. The dynamics between them are explored. But once you start to wander from that group things fall apart. What is Bautista doing? He's a big dude who kicks ass and yells a lot. And that's it. And while I appreciate the dread in every scene involving Baron Harkonnen, he's not doing much either. At least when Lynch did it, these characters had personalities.

I'm not going to talk about the Fremen much because they're in all likelihood going to be the focus of part 2. We don't get to spend much time with them, but we will, I'm sure.

So for the most part this movie is cool looking. Beautiful. Full of sound and fury. But, well, you know the rest of that phrase. I'm hoping this will turn out to be like Kill Bill. That first movie was Tarantino jerking off, but that second movie was where the truly good stuff was. Fingers crossed.

Oh! Here's another thing I enjoyed about the movie: the filmmakers don't feel the need to explain much. Like the scene where Kynes is making her escape and puts down the thumpers and takes out the hooks. I wonder what that must have been like to people who haven't had any Dune experience before. Those of us who have know exactly what she's doing. Too bad it didn't come to fruition. But it will in part 2. I can't see how it wouldn't.

But on the opposite side of that point, they *did* explain a bit too much when we get the narration in the beginning. I'm not a big fan of that sort of thing. There are exceptions (like the Star Wars crawl, as it was an imitation, like the rest of that first movie, of chapter plays), but I wish they'd started with the Atreides family preparing to leave home. They're arriving at this planet cold, knowing very little about what's in store for them. The audience should have been dropped in cold, too.

Don't worry. I liked it a lot. I will see part 2. But there are a few things that just irritated me about this first one.

I mean, could you imagine how much more interesting the Harkonnens would be with this guy around?