What follows is a journal entry from a few days ago, back when I was feeling miserable and was tempted to drink. I don't usually write in my journal anymore, as I cover most things here in GF. Unless I'm stressed the fuck out, and I was stressed the fuck out. I thought it would be a good GF column, so I'm typing it up here.
I came up with a fourth option which was so obvious that I felt stupid for not thinking of it earlier, especially since this thing isn't going to cost me the same as last time. It's going to cost me 1/3 of that price. It's still money I don't have, but I felt comfortable enough asking someone to loan me the money. See how stupid I was? Anyway, here's the entry. Enjoy? I guess?
So it has come to my attention that one of my battles that I *thought* I had won is not over. [Slightly revised for anonymity.] And I need money to put a stake through its heart. Money I don't have.
I spent the last of my savings thinking this fucking problem was finally off my plate, and much to my horror it is not. I have three options, and they all suck.
I can ignore it until the City fines me into the ground and gain the enmity of my neighbors. Added bonus: if I do this I will eventually be kicked out of the house I live in but don't own or even rent.
I can do one thing that can get me some money, but I'll never be able to retire, as I don't think I could ever pay it back.
Or I can do another thing that will get me a lot of money, but my brothers would have to cremate me when I die, and I'd rather be buried. Again, I don't see how I could pay back this money.
This doesn't even take into account the hole in my foot, which I'm sure will eventually cost me said foot. I don't have enough space to list the litany of my woes.
So yeah. I've been feeling the need for booze. So far I've been able to deny it, but if this shit keeps up, I am so fucking fucked. The worst part is, I would have had the money if I didn't go to St. Louis, so I feel extra stupid over this. I thought I'd taken everything into account back then. I considered problems that might come up and thought that the gamble would be worth it even if I lost. I didn't count on this.
If only I'd died at 40 like I'd expected.
Yeah, all that seems pretty hopeless. Good thing I was able to pull myself out of the nosedive. Things aren't dire yet, but that's still on the menu in the near future. The good news is, for the first time in months, I got a full paycheck at work today. Unfortunately all of it has to go towards bills I've been putting off including the biggest bastard bill I have, my car loan payments. I desperately need to get this car paid for. That way I could win back $600 a month and not be so royally fucked. I'm pretty sure I can't afford weed or food for the next couple of weeks. I have enough of the former (more or less), but the latter might call for desperate times, measures, etc.
I just need to not get sick again. Please don't let me get sick again. Not only will that fuck me up beyond all expectations (especially the lowest), but I could also rip a new hole in my esophagus, one that I'll need a mesh inside of me for. And a feeding tube in my stomach.
Honestly? Considering my Year of Shit (TM)? That would be par for the course.
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