GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1103: [REDACTED]

 I don't usually go with content warnings for these, but if you're squeamish, or if you don't want to hear anything about my dick*, you might want to skip this one. This is your last chance, because the actual title of this one is . . .

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1103: DICK CHARCUTERIE

Not long ago I received two sausage, cheese and crackers packages from a couple of friends. It came from a place called Farmers Market, I think? I'm usually a Wisconsin Cheeseman man, but I love cheese and crackers. And sausage. And it also came with fancy mustard.

Not to be confused with this.

When I first opened the sausage and got ready to slice it up, I noticed something very strange. This sausage was the exact thickness of my cock, and it was three-quarters the length.

I had a crazy thought as I held a knife to that sausage. What if I'm not in my kitchen? What if I'm in a psych ward somewhere? What if this is really my dick, and I'm about to cut it off? And then slice it up and eat it? Oh, and I'll be eating it with cheese and fancy mustard. I'll bet my penis tastes really good on those crackers.

Is that insane? On the face of it, I imagine you believe I'm crazy, but I don't think it's all that far afield from sanity. How many times have drunk people gone into the closet to piss, thinking they were in the bathroom? I don't drink anymore, but it's the same principle. When you do something like that, you're dead certain you're doing something else. Can our senses be believed?

How much of reality is augmented by perception? All of it? And how faulty is perception? What color is the sky? No, it's every color except for blue, but blue is the color it reflects back to our eyes.

How many people do you come into physical contact with on a weekly basis? No one? Our skin never touches someone else's. What we feel is the force of the space between us pushing away.

Think about all the optical illusions you've ever teased your brain with. I scoured Google looking for the specific one I had in mind and couldn't find it. I had a He-Man activity book when I was a kid. One of the things they had you do is stare at a black dot for a bit. Then you were supposed to look at a black silhouette of Stratos with a white dot in the middle. The white dot vanishes, and the silhouette is complete.

As a philosophy major in college, I'm all too familiar with quandaries about how real our lives actually are. What if we don't even exist? You can ask Descartes about that one. There's a reason he had to invent the phrase "cogito ergo sum."**

So who's to say I'm not back on the psych ward, slicing my cock into thin sausage wafers?

It worries me, but I cut it up, anyway. The sausage, not my dick. (I think.) Later, as I eat everything, I grab myself through my pajama bottoms, just to confirm I'm still intact. I mean, the sausage didn't taste like dick, but I've never had dick before, so how would I know?

Whatever I ate?

It was pretty good.

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*I realize this is funny coming from me, a guy who used to have a picture of his dick on his website, but here we are.

**Don't come at me with the "well, actually" stuff. I heard you think it. Don't.

***What do you mean, there isn't a third asterisk above? Anyway, yes, I'm high. It's been a rough [checks watch] couple of decades.