[NOTE: IN MY YOUNGER YEARS (IN THE LATE 'NINETIES), ONE OF MY FRIENDS AT THE LIBRARY STARTED UP A WEBSITE DEDICATED TO MAKING FUN OF MY HOMETOWN, ELMHURST. HE KNEW I WAS A WRITER, SO HE ASKED IF I'D BE INTERESTED IN JOINING THE STAFF. OF COURSE I WAS, AND I WAS GIVEN WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A REGULAR OPINIONS COLUMN, WHICH I WOULD WRITE UNDER THE PEN NAME, DR. JONAH CHAOS. (I HAD OTHER PEN NAMES AND DUTIES, BUT NONE WERE AS FUN AS CHAOS.) NEEDLESS TO SAY, NONE OF THE WORK I DID FOR THE WEBSITE WAS POSTED. I THINK IT WAS A BIT TOO MUCH FOR THEIR AUDIENCE. I ALSO WROTE AN INTERVIEW WITH THE MAYOR, WHICH IS REFERRED TO IN THIS STORY. I MADE ALL SORTS OF RIDICULOUS CLAIMS, LIKE THE REASON ELMHURST IS SO WHITE IS BECAUSE THE MAYOR HAS ANYONE IN TOWN WITH SKIN DARKER THAN AN ITALIAN'S MURDERED AND BURIED BENEATH CITY HALL. I ALSO CLAIMED HE WAS A PEDOPHILE, THAT HE KEPT A CATAMITE ON HAND AT ALL TIMES. NO WONDER THIS SHIT NEVER SAW THE LIGHT OF DAY . . . .]
The President of the United States visited your parents' home and fucked your mother. Now what do you think of the sex scandals surrounding Bill Clinton? Apathetic now, are you? Just the Prez doing a little fucking, huh? He just wants to lay some pipe. Yeah, well, he's laying some pipe in your mother.
I know what you're thinking: there goes Dr. Chaos again, spouting crazy shit. But you don't understand. I'm not lying. Clinton visited Elmhurst yesterday, and he went from household to household, fucking all the women in town, including your mother. What's that? Your mother is dead? He dug her up and violated her corpse. I saw him, and so did the rest of this shit-crusted city.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!
What am I doing? I apologize. I'm new to this publication, and this is my first opinions column? Sorry, I've been having trouble with the fucking mayor, and I haven't the time to come up with a proper column. I promise the following pieces will be better, but with the booze and my drug-addled brain, I can't take the mayor interview and this thing on top of it.
Don't get me wrong, though; Bill Clinton would fuck your mother . . . if he got the chance.
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