WHEN I HAD FIRE WITHIN MY BLOOD: CHAPTER SIX

JUNE 17, 2000.  11:10 PM.  DUBLIN.  MESPIL HOTEL.

I'm back at that wretched hotel, but that's okay.  All I've got to do is hold out one more day.

We didn't do much aside from coming back to Dublin.  I saw the Book of Kells, which wasn't nearly as impressive as I was led to believe.  What impressed me was the sheer size of the library at Trinity College.  It's like a cathedral, and all the bookcases reach to the vault-like ceiling.  At the foot of each is a bust of one of the "greats," both writers and philosophers.  I've never seen a bigger library; not even the Harold Washington Library in Chicago can hold a candle to it.

After that, I went to see the Blessed Oscar to get a picture of the statue on the rock.  It's so lifelike, but I noticed something I hadn't seen from a distance:  up close, Oscar Wilde is sneering.

That was when I got lost.  I was looking for St. Patrick's Cathedral to get a picture of Jonathan Swift's grave, but the Irish can't give directions to save their lives.  Yes, that sounds like a condemnation from above, but I asked directions from their FUCKING TOURIST CENTER, and they let me down.  I was lost for hours, going up and down crooked, narrow streets that sometimes ended in dead ends, or became pedestrianized to the point where they hardly led anywhere.

I finally found the cathedral, all for nothing.  The graveyard was locked up for construction.

That left me running to McDonald's, which I finally found!  The food, which I would normally have been let down by, was like manna sent to relieve me.  Despite the fact that the supersized cup was more like a skimpy large (they go by the metric system), I felt finally at home in Ireland.

By the way, the Guinness factory is miles long.  It takes up both sides of the street, and it takes three hours just to go on a tour there.

I went to Doyle's Irish Cabaret, which was actually kind of good.  The comedians weren't that great (they just told plain old jokes--imagine an hour of Murphy and Casey jokes, or priests and rabbis walking into bars), and the singing was mediocre (the highlights were "Whiskey in the Jar" and a Gaelic version of "Drunken Sailor"), but the dancing was phenomenal.  They're just kids, but they can kick the shit out of the Lord of the Dance.  I don't know, maybe it's my strange, dark appreciation of graceful people . . . .

JUNE 18.  12:30 PM.  SOMEWHERE OVER IRELAND.

Finally!  I've been on many flights before, but this one is actually enjoyable!  There was a huge wait to get on the plane (as usual), and a bit of a delay to get in the air, but they overbooked!  We were supposed to fly back to NYC in coach, but the powers that be (maybe St. Patrick himself) had us bumped up to FIRST CLASS!  The seat's a bit narrow, but not nearly as much as in coach.  There's enough leg room to actually lay in a fetal position on the floor, if necessary.  The seat goes back, and there's a leg rest, and we each have our own televisions.  Granted, the food still sucks, but they gave us everything we could have ever asked for.  They even gave us a travel pack containing the following:  toothbrush, toothpaste, "Do Not Disturb" sign, moisturizer, mouthwash, earplugs, lip balm, Kleenex, eye shade, socks, and the case it all comes in looks like it can be used to store CD's.  I suffered not one jot during this flight, unless you count the time I spent watching REINDEER GAMES and the end of RAGING BULL.

Take my advice:  when flying overseas (or anywhere, really), fly first class.  Sure, you'll be short a bit of money, but it's worth it.

I hope this time I see the Statue of Liberty.  I'm almost home, to the land of good cheeseburgers and a McDonald's on every corner . . . .

JUNE 18.  9:00 PM.  ELMHURST.

What was the first thing I did when I got back to Elmhurst?  I ate as much as I could at McDonald's, and I loved every second of it (even if it only lasted ten seconds).  I lost 20 pounds during this trip, and it's time to put it back on.

Ireland's the most beautiful land I've ever seen, and there are stunningly cool things to look at over there, but America has Ireland beaten (like a gong) in the food department.  Finally, I'm back in a land built for BIG PEOPLE!

[THANK YOU, GRANDMA LAURETTE, FOR FINANCING THIS TRIP FOR ME.  AND NOW, I'M TAKING THE REST OF THE YEAR OFF.  MAYBE WHEN I GET BACK, I'LL FINALLY BE ABLE TO POST THE DUI DIARY.  WE'LL SEE HOW THINGS WORK OUT IN COURT ON JAN. 4!  MERRY BAH HUMBUG TO YOU ALL!]