FLEISCHMANN'S: AN AMERICAN TRADITION (a whiskey review)

That’s what it says on the bottle: “an American tradition.” It also says that they’ve been making Fleischmann’s since 1870, which makes it almost as old as the Civil War. Finally, it says that it’s a preferred blended whiskey. “Premium taste throughout the years.”

The first part sounds like the typical hubris that comes with just about every American whiskey on the market, regardless of quality. The second part is undoubtedly true. The last part? Well, that’s the most outlandish claim of them all. It’s not smooth, the smell is atrocious, and the taste makes one wonder where the “premium” is hiding.

But this alcoholic beverage has one thing to recommend it: IT’S CHEAP. One can acquire a handle for $15, generally speaking. There are some places that sell it even cheaper (the bottle in the picture above was purchased for $13). Not only that, but despite its customary 80 proof, it will fuck you up. This whiskey will lead to hook-ups you’ll later regret. It will turn you into the life of the party (at least until you cross the black-out line). People will flock to you, eager to be your friend because you will be the funniest person in the room. It will lead to grand stories that you will tell for the rest of your life.


Don’t let the lack of quality get in your way. Fleischmann’s makes up for this by being your ticket to glory. Hm. Maybe that part about American tradition wasn’t hubris after all . . . .