GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #386: IRRESPONSIBLE

 OK, I'll be the first to admit I'm the oldest eight-year-old you probably know, and that might be giving me too much credit. But a lot of you think I'm a lot less responsible than I actually am. For example, very few of you know which company I work for during my regular non-writing life because I never post it on social media. You just know the industry. That's pretty responsible.

But the best example of how responsible I am is a product of my time working as a parts driver for the City of Elmhurst. I got to drive fuckin' cop cars, man, and even though I felt the occasional perverse need to flip on the flashing lights, I never did. I was always professional behind the wheel. One of my bosses? Not so much. I remember driving him to the PD when he leaned out the passenger side window to heckle a pedestrian. He then yanked his head back in and said, "Oh shit. I forgot I'm in a cop car." That was him, buddy. Not me.

But more importantly, when I tendered my resignation to enter the corporate world (probably a big mistake on my part), they forgot to take my keys back. You know, the ones that start the cop cars. I also had the combination to the PD garage in my head. In theory, they changed it. But I know those guys. They didn't.

I could have gotten into the PD and taken a cop car for a joyride. Probably while drunk. Did I do that? Not just no, but fuck no.

But I could have.

And I didn't.

The combo has got to be different now. I know the keys don't work in the new cop cars, not that I have the keys anymore. But still. Think of the chaos I could have ignited and chose not to.

Not bad for a misanthrope, eh?

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #385: DEMON KNIGHT

 

It's good to see so many of you posting about Demon Knight, the best of all four Tales from the Crypt movies.

(Four? Yes, four. The first from 1972. Then Demon Knight. Then Bordello of Blood. And lastly Ritual. No, I don't count the old Vault of Horror movie. And we probably shouldn't count Ritual. It's barely Crypt-worthy.)

Seeing all of you wonderful darlings showing love for this flick brings joy to my heart. But it also brings back my biggest quandary of this movie. What the fuck does that title mean? Is the Demon Knight Billy Zane's character? Meaning, a knight who is a demon? Or is it William Sadler's character? Meaning a knight who hunts demons? This has bothered me for decades. Does anyone have a theory?

Yes, I'm high. But when the question first occurred to me (on the way home from the theater), I was not on any drug, be it cannabis or alcohol. So maybe I'm just stupid. I don't know. Is this a valid question? The argument states that there are no stupid questions, but in my life I've determined that there are, indeed, stupid questions. Most of them come from Tucker Carlson these days. "Hey, I'm only asking questions!" Fuck you.

Okay, that turn came as a surprise. Did I say I was high? And when I'm high I find it difficult to string two thoughts together?

Am I rambling? I think I'm rambling. Time to end this.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #384: MEDICAL BULLSHIT

 So my longtime doctor retired over the Fourth of July weekend. That sucks because now I have to find a new doctor. More to the point, I found the doctor, I just need to get in to see him. Anyone who has had medical problems knows exactly how fucking difficult that is. If you call for an appointment for something, even if it's a big problem, you'll be scheduled a month from now, and that's if you're lucky. Your only other choices are Urgent Care or the ER, and personally speaking, every time I've gone to Urgent Care, they told me to go to the ER instead.

So my appointment with my new doctor is two weeks from now. The problem, however, is that two of my medications just ran out. I went to the pharmacy to request refills, which they usually fax over to the doctor for approval. But since my doctor is retired, it was in question as to whether or not I would get my pills.

I figured I'd call the office and let them know. I was told that my new doctor probably wouldn't refill the prescriptions without seeing me first. That threw me for a fucking loop. Would I have to go through two weeks without my two 'Beetus meds? I started wondering if my pancreas would try to kill me again before I got in to see the doctor. I asked what the odds were that the doctor would refill the meds and was told slim to none.

I asked if the person I spoke to would at least send a request to the doctor's office. He said he would, but I didn't have high hopes. When life kicks you in the teeth enough, you learn to lower your expectations.

On a whim I stopped at my pharmacy on the way home today. I lucked out. The doctor refilled me. Not for the usual three month supply that I'm used to. Just a one month supply. Enough to get me through to my appointment. That was quite the relief.

Sometimes the world surprises you. Not often, but sometimes.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #383: BREAK YOUR BACK, MAKE YOU HUMBLE

 

All right, I think the Iron Sheik is pretty funny, but I don't know if I agree with his implied definition of "humble." It sounds like some kind of punishment, to be humbled. I don't see it that way. Well, at least not these days. When I was younger, I was very strong-headed, and I refused to let myself be wrong. I would argue something past the point of lunacy just to be right, but it's been a while since I've done that. I'm older (definitely) and wiser (probably), and while I'm still right most of the time, I'm okay with being proved wrong nowadays.

Being humble is supposed to be a good thing, and even in my strong-headed days, there were some topics I knew I didn't know enough about to discuss them. So I suppose that's humble in my own backwards way. I don't toot my own horn (often), and I try to be as laid back as possible. But when I'm humbled (ie. proved wrong) I see it more as a learning experience. It helps me become a better person. Maybe that's what is missing from a lot of political arguments. Not enough people are willing to listen. Any one of us can be a dumb shit. I'm sure Einstein fucked a few things up, too. No one knows everything despite many, many claims on social media.

So maybe we should stop trying to tear each others' throats out. Maybe we should try to see things from other people's perspectives. The old adage about no one ever being the villain of their own story is true. Maybe if we stop, listen, think things through, we'll all figure out how fucked the human race is and instead of hurtling toward our own collective destruction, perhaps we can course correct and live in a golden age of reason.

But what the fuck do I know?

Interesting story: I actually met the Iron Sheik once, many years ago. He barely spoke English, and when he was signing a photo for me, I had to spell out my name for the translator, who would then tell the Iron Sheik what to write. And as someone who grew up watching that era of WWF, knowing that he was the Cold War heel, I took great joy and humor in seeing that he wrote on the photo, "USA #`1!"

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #382: A VACATION FROM MYSELF

Last week I took a vacation from myself. Sometimes you need a break from being you all the time. I still read and watched my shows, but aside from that I did nothing else. I didn't even write. I would get home from work, do some reading, jerk off and maybe, just maybe, check emails. But not if it was too taxing. It was very relaxing. But I can't keep that sort of thing up. Time to get back to business as usual. Plus I got a lot of shit to do. Work backed up quite a bit, and that's OK. But it's time to start cleaning up the projects that have been sitting fallow. My splatter SF and splatter western novels, for example, have made the rounds and were roundly rejected. As I expected. That's fine. It frees me up to tell these stories the way I want to tell them as described in a previous GF column. Plus I have to get off the ground with a few other projects that have been kicking around in my head, and God help me, I have a new Zimventure to write that will probably torment me for the two or three weeks it'll take me to write. So all right. It's time to get back into the game. It's time to stomp the fucking terra. Our regularly scheduled programming is now returning. Pucker yer buttholes . . .

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #381: ID4 DOES NOT LEAD TO RESURGENCE

 

OK, look. We can all agree that ID4 is a silly, possibly stupid, movie. But it's fun. And those who gave Resurgence a shot probably thought the same thing. I certainly did. Not to shit on either movie, because they both got belly laughs out of the eight-year-old who constantly lives behind my eyes, but I watched something recently that kind of changed my opinion on the second movie.

First let me tell you about one of the things I honestly enjoyed about Resurgence. In the optimistic world that ID4 left us with, the most idealistic thing ever happens. The world learns from the alien tech and we all benefit from becoming ridiculously scientifically advanced. That's just fucking cool. It also echoes something from another project the creators birthed into the world. Stargate didn't just end with that movie with Russell and Spader. It went on to become several TV shows, and the awesome thing about those series is that they learn from the alien technology and start building their own starships and replicating (no pun intended, probably) weapons, adapting to their newfound needs. That's exactly what happens between ID4 and Resurgence.

But it's bullshit because of something I should have known. Someone as misanthropic as me should really know better.

I watch Ty and That Guy, the show Ty Franck and Wes Chatham do about The Expanse. Ordinarily I don't watch that kind of thing, but these two aren't just anyone. Franck is one half of James S.A. Corey, the author of the book series the TV show is based on, and Chatham is the actor who plays Amos Burton on the show. Plus, you know, I fuckin' love The Expanse. They were discussing ID4, and Franck makes this great observation that the very instant the humans are done celebrating their victory, they would go right back to murdering each other to see who gets to have this neat new alien tech, so they can resume putting their boots on others' throats.

Goddammit, he's right. It also makes me think of Ozymandias in Watchmen. His plan to bring humanity together to face off against an evil alien force that he invented seems like a really good--but also a very psychotic--solution to most of the evils of the world. But it doesn't take into account that humanity, at its heart, is, if I may borrow from Tommy Hobbes, "poor, nasty, brutish and short." (Hey-hey! I used my degree in philosophy for something! It's not been for nothing, after all! Just, you know, next to nothing!)

So yeah. There's no way that ID4 leads to Resurgence. Very few people are Jeff Goldblum. Most are that dictator that he has to put up with to get shit done. And even that says something.

For getting this far, you have been visited by Bonus Jeff Goldblum.
You're welcome.