GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #381: ID4 DOES NOT LEAD TO RESURGENCE

 

OK, look. We can all agree that ID4 is a silly, possibly stupid, movie. But it's fun. And those who gave Resurgence a shot probably thought the same thing. I certainly did. Not to shit on either movie, because they both got belly laughs out of the eight-year-old who constantly lives behind my eyes, but I watched something recently that kind of changed my opinion on the second movie.

First let me tell you about one of the things I honestly enjoyed about Resurgence. In the optimistic world that ID4 left us with, the most idealistic thing ever happens. The world learns from the alien tech and we all benefit from becoming ridiculously scientifically advanced. That's just fucking cool. It also echoes something from another project the creators birthed into the world. Stargate didn't just end with that movie with Russell and Spader. It went on to become several TV shows, and the awesome thing about those series is that they learn from the alien technology and start building their own starships and replicating (no pun intended, probably) weapons, adapting to their newfound needs. That's exactly what happens between ID4 and Resurgence.

But it's bullshit because of something I should have known. Someone as misanthropic as me should really know better.

I watch Ty and That Guy, the show Ty Franck and Wes Chatham do about The Expanse. Ordinarily I don't watch that kind of thing, but these two aren't just anyone. Franck is one half of James S.A. Corey, the author of the book series the TV show is based on, and Chatham is the actor who plays Amos Burton on the show. Plus, you know, I fuckin' love The Expanse. They were discussing ID4, and Franck makes this great observation that the very instant the humans are done celebrating their victory, they would go right back to murdering each other to see who gets to have this neat new alien tech, so they can resume putting their boots on others' throats.

Goddammit, he's right. It also makes me think of Ozymandias in Watchmen. His plan to bring humanity together to face off against an evil alien force that he invented seems like a really good--but also a very psychotic--solution to most of the evils of the world. But it doesn't take into account that humanity, at its heart, is, if I may borrow from Tommy Hobbes, "poor, nasty, brutish and short." (Hey-hey! I used my degree in philosophy for something! It's not been for nothing, after all! Just, you know, next to nothing!)

So yeah. There's no way that ID4 leads to Resurgence. Very few people are Jeff Goldblum. Most are that dictator that he has to put up with to get shit done. And even that says something.

For getting this far, you have been visited by Bonus Jeff Goldblum.
You're welcome.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #65: CHANGING HORSES IN MIDSTREAM

I find myself in an odd situation. I'm watching three old TV shows on DVD, and they've kind of synched up so that they've all reached the point of changing casts near the end of their run. People lose their shit over TV shows that suddenly have drastic cast changes. Not me. I mourn for the past, of course, but I look forward to any new cool shit that might be in store.


Take STARGATE SG1, for example. (And STARGATE ATLANTIS, for that matter.) I always loved the show, but it went over several personnel changes over the years. I'm totally happy with how it turned out, though. Great characters were replaced with great characters. That's the key: you can't get shit shit to replace cool shit.


But with the changes in these three shows? I'm a bit nervous. Let's break it down a bit.


MAVERICK. I've been a huge fan of the show my entire life (for more evidence, see this old entry in the Goodnight, Fuckers series), but I've never seen anything beyond two episodes of the fourth season. Why? No one gave a shit about them. Not even Columbia House wanted to bring them back. Let's face it: James Garner is the best Maverick you can get. Jack Kelly is great, but he just can't match Garner's charisma. I just got season 4 on DVD, and Garner is only in one episode, which was filmed for the third season but got delayed due to contract disputes. He's replaced by Roger Moore, a cousin Maverick from abroad. I like Moore, but I just can't see how he can fill Garner's shoes. Not to mention the fact that there's another Maverick cousin that's going to be introduced soon. Jack Kelly's Bart Maverick is great, but I don't think he can carry the series without Garner's Bret.


21 JUMP STREET. I never thought I'd like this show, but I got the first season for a dollar. I can't express how surprised I was at how good it was. Yet the final season? Johnny Depp left after one episode (which was filmed for the previous season; sound familiar?), and Dustin Nguyen doesn't even make an appearance. Their replacements? Eh, they're less than inspiring. I don't have a great deal of hope for the rest of this final season.


SLIDERS. When this show was first being aired, I kind of made fun of my brothers for liking it. The production value was awful, and it had the fat kid from STAND BY ME as the lead. But . . . they turned me on this one. One of them got me the first two seasons for Christmas, and I couldn't help but be drawn into it. The production value is still awful, but the stories are amazing. The characters are top notch. But . . . we lost one of them last season. We lost another one this season. I've been warned we're going to lose yet another later this season, to be replaced by a brother. This sounds disastrous. When you use a sibling to replace a main character, it's always desperate. But I've made it this far, so you can be sure I'm in it until the end.


It's sad, because you know that such shake-ups are ALWAYS about the actors getting fucked in contract negotiations, but sometimes, it really does lead to great storytelling. Not often, but sometimes. I'll let you know how I feel about these three shows, when all is said and done. (And they really need to release the final season of MAVERICK soon.)

SHIT SHIT 1-13-11

Sorry folks, but nothing interesting came out this week. In fact, it was such a small week, I’m surprised. I can actually afford tonight’s outing at Shark City. Weird.



However, since it’s the new year, I thought I would take this opportunity to mention a few things that are bothering me about the world of comics these days. Grab a helmet and buckle in. I’m kind of angry.


DC, you are my first target. Don’t worry, it’s not about the content of your books. It’s always been bad with very few exceptions. (All right, I’m still pissed off that HITMAN got canceled. It was the best book you put out since the original JONAH HEX. Fuckers.) No, my gripe is with the presentation of your new books. It’s a nice design, and it jumps off the racks, so I guess it does its job. Maybe it’s a bit plain, but that’s just my opinion. The problem, though, is the lack of identification of those who worked on the title. Where are the writer and artist’s names? I will always buy JONAH HEX, even if you send him to the future again. However, the only time I’ll read, say, BATMAN or SUPERMAN is if they are written by people I admire. I followed BATMAN when Ed Brubaker helmed the title. I read Brian Azzarello’s SUPERMAN. I would never have read GREEN ARROW if not for Kevin Smith. When their runs ended, I stopped reading. So if Garth Ennis starts writing TEEN TITANS (for whatever ungodly reason), it will benefit your company to put his name on the cover. I, for one, will buy it.


Next up: alternate takes on the G.I. JOE and/or TRANSFORMERS universe. The main story lines for these books are good enough for me. The occasional mini-series is awesome. But I don’t give a fuck about what’s going on in a parallel universe to these characters. 100% of the time, it’s lame. It’s worse than lame. I hear you say, “If you don’t like them so much, don’t read them.” Fair enough. However, there is always the danger of the alternate world crossing over with the main storyline, and nothing would piss me off more. The TRANSFORMERS ANIMATED books are horrible, by the way. I tried them, and they made me want to jab a heated sewing needle into my asshole. And while we’re at it, can we kill the TRANSFORMERS MOVIE line of books? And if G.I. JOE NOIR comes back for more issues, I will take hostages.

To a lesser extent, I hope the resurrection of the original G.I. JOE Marvel series doesn’t last long. The idea is cool. Get Larry Hama to continue the series that captivated me when I was a kid. But the new Joe books kick the shit out of this relic from the past. In fact, the book kind of comes off as naïve. Let the old continuity die. It soldiered its way through many years in the ‘Eighties and ‘Nineties; it has earned its rest.

One more thing: Nice Stargate, TRANSFORMERS PRIME. Who are you going to rip off next?


Here’s some praise: thank you, Vertigo, for seeing the wisdom in dumping JACK OF FABLES. It was an awesome book for a long time, but the last year or so has sucked a donkey dick. This is a smart move. That is all.