NOTHING NEW TO AMERICA

 A short note tonight, perhaps an optimistic one, for our American society. I just finished the first volume of Hay and Nicolay's biography of Abraham Lincoln. They were secretaries to him during his time in the White House, and Hay later came back as the Secretary of State for McKinley, so these two men actually knew and worked with Lincoln, as opposed to how many biographers on the subject? I read it to learn more about Lincoln, but it had the side effect of teaching me about the events leading up to the Civil War.

What I want to bring to your attention, though, is the part of this volume that deals with how Kansas got its start. I really, really recommend reading at least this part to any American reading this. I understand that it's not going to be pleasant for most. History books rarely are. But I think it offers us a little bit of sunshine on a rainy, say, four years.

All the political chaos we're going through right now? It doesn't hold a candle to what we went through in the 1850s. At the very least we don't have slavery in play right now. I mean, that could change at any moment, and I'm almost certain that the endgame for our corporate overlords is to bring slavery back, but this time to let it be colorblind. That's a story for another day, though.

We're supremely lucky that the federal government is terrible at being Nazis. They're more like the Hogan's Heroes version. Because if they were good at it, we'd be living in the days when people were literally murdering people on the opposite political aisle from them. Wholesale murder. Enough to make the practitioners serial killers.

Read this. It's mostly the last few chapters, but it will give you an idea of how horrendous things got before the Civil War, and it might give us some insight into avoiding the Civil War 2: War Harder. It will also tell you what they didn't teach you in elementary school: that slavery wasn't just a thing the South wanted to continue doing. They envisioned a slavery empire. Let the North have their dinky free states. The South wasn't going to stop at stealing Texas from the Mexicans. They wanted to steal Mexico from the Mexicans. And Central America. They wanted their slavery paradise to stretch all the way down to Tierra del Fuego in the cruelest example of Manifest Destiny imaginable.

And that's why evil has always been baked into our country. Sadism and inhumanity have always been lurking under our polite veneer of freedom. Freedom for me, not for thee.

Hell, if they'd taught us about Kansas in school, we might not even be in this fucking situation right now.

I beseech you to click that link. Read the whole thing. It's enlightening. But at the very least read about Kansas.

If this entices you, they write about how Lincoln, when he was a young man, despised people who spoke crudely in front of women. In one instance, he beat the daylights out of one such guy . . . and then rubbed dogshit in his eyes. They never told us about that on Presidents Day.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #969: ABRAHAM LINCOLN, PROPHET?

Lincoln around the age he gave the Lyceum Address.

 

At what point then is the approach of danger to be expected? I answer, if it ever reach us, it must spring up amongst us. It cannot come from abroad. If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of freemen, we must live through all time, or die by suicide.

Abraham Lincoln said that about the end of America. This was in response to a mob lynching a Black man in St. Louis, according to William Herndon, Lincoln's law partner in Springfield. Herndon, by the way, is an excellent first hand source of material about Lincoln. Historians have tried to smear him as a drunk, but he was the closest person to Lincoln before he was famous, and he was rather truthful about Honest Abe. The reason historians dislike him as a source is because he said that Lincoln got syphilis after an evening with a woman who was not a wife. Furthermore, Lincoln gave it to Mary Todd, which in all likelihood led to her demise and explain her odd behavior near the end. You can see the appeal in discrediting Herndon, but Lincoln was no saint. He was not even an abolitionist, as our schools teach us that he was.

But Lincoln was one of the best presidents regardless. He expands on his thought from the famed Lyceum Address:

At what point shall we expect the approach of danger? By what means shall we fortify against it?-- Shall we expect some transatlantic military giant, to step the Ocean, and crush us at a blow? Never!--All the armies of Europe, Asia and Africa combined, with all the treasure of the earth (our own excepted) in their military chest; with a Buonaparte for a commander, could not by force, take a drink from the Ohio, or make a track on the Blue Ridge, in a trial of a thousand years.

In short, only the United States can destroy the United States. And it's very interesting that he seems to suggest that a single person would be able to do it. Sorry for the long quote, but it's apropos, I think.

This field of glory is harvested, and the crop is already appropriated. But new reapers will arise, and they, too, will seek a field. It is to deny, what the history of the world tells us is true, to suppose that men of ambition and talents will not continue to spring up amongst us. And, when they do, they will as naturally seek the gratification of their ruling passion, as others have so done before them. The question then, is, can that gratification be found in supporting and maintaining an edifice that has been erected by others? Most certainly it cannot. Many great and good men sufficiently qualified for any task they should undertake, may ever be found, whose ambition would inspire to nothing beyond a seat in Congress, a gubernatorial or a presidential chair; but such belong not to the family of the lion, or the tribe of the eagle. What! think you these places would satisfy an Alexander, a Caesar, or a Napoleon?--Never! Towering genius distains a beaten path. It seeks regions hitherto unexplored.--It sees no distinction in adding story to story, upon the monuments of fame, erected to the memory of others. It denies that it is glory enough to serve under any chief. It scorns to tread in the footsteps of any predecessor, however illustrious. It thirsts and burns for distinction; and, if possible, it will have it, whether at the expense of emancipating slaves, or enslaving freemen. Is it unreasonable then to expect, that some man possessed of the loftiest genius, coupled with ambition sufficient to push it to its utmost stretch, will at some time, spring up among us? And when such a one does, it will require the people to be united with each other, attached to the government and laws, and generally intelligent, to successfully frustrate his designs.

Lincoln was infuriated by the circumnavigation of law by mob. He begs us to cling to "cold, reasoning" laws rather than our passions. It's the only thing that will keep us together. It's the only thing that will save us.

This reminds me of something. What could that possibly be? Perhaps the roughshod way Trump and Musk have trampled the laws of this nation in the name of their own passion? (Dare I say Trump's Musky passion?) And what aren't we doing as citizens? We're not uniting with each other to frustrate their designs. We're letting them destroy our country without a fight.

I really like the paragraph I'm about to quote, especially Lincoln's word choice in one particular instance. Let's see if you can guess the word I mean:

They were the pillars of the temple of liberty; and now, that they have crumbled away, that temple must fall, unless we, their descendants, supply their places with other pillars, hewn from the solid quarry of sober reason. Passion has helped us; but can do so no more. It will in future be our enemy. Reason, cold, calculating, unimpassioned reason, must furnish all the materials for our future support and defence.--Let those materials be moulded into general intelligence, sound morality, and in particular, a reverence for the constitution and laws: and, that we improved to the last; that we remained free to the last; that we revered his name to the last; that, during his long sleep, we permitted no hostile foot to pass over or desecrate his resting place; shall be that which to learn the last trump shall awaken our WASHINGTON.

I'm not entirely sure we should be looking to George Washington as Britain looks to King Arthur, but all the same I find that one particular word interesting. The Trump we have is certainly not awakening our Washington. The ravens may never leave his monument.

If you're wondering why the Democrats are doing jack shit, it's because they serve the same master as Trump, our corporate overlords. They know when to obey. Could you imagine even one of them making a speech like this? Make no mistake, a speech like this is 100% necessary today. I think if Schumer pulled his head out of his master's ass and said something like this, we might actually have a fight we can win on our hands.

But We the People are fucked. When we address for recourse, are the laws that benefit our corporate overlords and our corporate overlords alone going to help us? No. But they tell us we need to go through the system with our complaints, the system they own. That's just not going to work.

What does work? Bloody revolution is efficient. Also, playing dirty works wonders. Being unable to tell the truth is a prerequisite for being a politician, but the MAGAs are so flamboyant with their lies, it's actually kind of awe-inspiring. Bullshit has always been an artform, but they've perfected it nearly to the point of godhood. Joseph Goebbels was right: "If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it." And Trump didn't have to repeat his lies all that much. I mean, he does anyway, just to hedge his bets, but the MAGAs fell for it the first time. The Democrats are already on board with excessive lies. They know their master's voice. Why not beat the MAGAs at their own game? You almost got JD Vance with the couch-fucking thing. Go on. Get creative. Stephen Miller slurps his own cum. Elon Musk is into adult babyism. Ted Cruz wants to fuck his mom.

That last one might not be a lie.

All my life politics has been fucking dirty except now? The Democrats are going to be the adults in the room? Since when are adults well behaved?

Lincoln was right. America will die not by another nation's hand but by suicide. We're watching it happen right now. I wonder who will be there to pick up the pieces? Certainly no one with mercy in their hearts for us.

If you're into adult babyism, I don't mean to kink shame. That's not my intent. To each their own. If I offended  you, I apologize.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #930: THE LAST LINCOLN

 

Yeah, I know. That's a lot of small print. It's pretty clear if you zoom in on it. You don't need to if you don't want to. The only interesting part is the larger pull quote. But the headline was correct, on December 24, 1985 the last descendant of Abraham Lincoln died.

It's kind of weird when you think about it. Nearly a quarter of the human race alive right now is descended from Charlemagne. In 2003 it came out that 16M people alive had descended from Genghis Khan. I'm sure there's some overlap, but soon you'll be able to point to just a handful of major historical figures and say we all descended directly from them.

And then you get Lincoln. Beckwith was his great-grandson. One of the most influential people in our history, and his line got wiped out in just a few generations. Gone. To think nothing of Alexander the Great, whose only child had been murdered.

Not that I'm comparing myself to the aforementioned people, but my line ends with me. Probably for the best, all things considered. My mom's line has a few other chances. I have three brothers on that side. They have yet to reproduce (probably also for the best), but they have their whole lives (I hope) before them. My dad's line is going to be in good hands, I think. I have a brother and sister on that side, and my brother has already introduced the next generation.

Such is life, and life is such.

THOMAS H. "BOSTON" CORBETT

 You can easily be forgiven for not knowing who Thomas H. "Boston" Corbett was. He did one super important thing in history, and you all know what that deed is. You just don't know the man behind the deed.

Don't look him up yet. Just go with the flow on this.

He was born in England before going to New York City with his parents as a child. They wound up in Troy, NY, and he started working as a milliner. Back in the 19th Century that involved working with a lot with mercury nitrate, ie. the reason the Mad Hatter is mad. When you take this into consideration, his later life makes a lot of sense. He did many crazy things, and chemical psychosis explains that away pretty neatly.

He married and became an American citizen, but he found it hard to keep a job in Virginia because he was very much against slavery. There are abolitionists, and there is this guy. He chomped at the bit whenever the subject came up. His wife grew sick and died, and he took up the bottle and drank heavily until he fell under the sway of the Methodist Church. They sobered him up, and now that his head was clear, he devoted his life to God. So much to the point that whenever someone cursed in his presence, he stopped to sing and pray for the lost soul doing the cursing. He regularly stopped doing his job to do this, so he made a lot of bosses angry.

And Corbett didn't fuck around. He took the teachings of the Bible literally, especially when it comes to what happens when one's eye offends thee. He desperately wanted to be celibate, but his sexual thoughts kept getting in his way. So he did the Biblical thing to do: he castrated himself. With scissors. He didn't rush to get to a hospital, either. He had enough time to grab a bite to eat and to go to church and pray first.

And he was happy about it. Without sexual thoughts he was able to preach more. At around this point he picked up the nickname "Boston." It was the city in which he'd converted. He spent a lot of his time rounding up drunks and feeding them, getting them sober and hopefully converting them to Jesus.

And then the Civil War began. As anti-slavery as he was, he couldn't wait to join the Union Army even though he had to cut his Jesus-long hair to do so. He carried a Bible with him always and read to his fellow soldiers whether they liked it or not. He routinely got into trouble with his superiors and eventually was sentenced to death by firing squad for taking one to task over cursing and using the Lord's name in vain. They decided not to shoot him and discharged him instead. He quickly joined up with the Cavalry where he was demoted from sergeant to private over something that history has forgotten.

Late in the war he found his unit surrounded by Confederates. His fellow soldiers were captured, and he was left in a ditch with a repeating rifle. They didn't stop him until he ran out of ammo. One of the Confederates put a gun to his head but was stopped because "[h]e has a right to defend himself to the last!" And so he was sent to the horrorshow that is Andersonville. After months of torment and torture he was released. For his heroics he was promoted back to sergeant.

And then came April 14, 1865. You know that date. And now you may suspect why Corbett is important to history.

When Abraham Lincoln was shot, Corbett was part of his funeral parade. Not long after that he was given orders to follow up a lead on John Wilkes Booth's location. They had him cornered at a Virginia farmhouse. Corbett had his men surround the house, at which point David Herrold, one of Booth's co-conspirators, surrendered, leaving Booth inside on his own. Corbett asked his CO for permission to go in alone to get Booth. He reasoned that if Booth shot him, then the other soldiers can get Booth. He was denied and positioned at the perimeter around the farmhouse. They set it on fire to burn out Booth, but Corbett found himself near a large crack in the wall, where he could see into the house and to Booth.

Corbett said that he saw Booth aim his carbine, forcing him to shoot Booth before he could pull the trigger. The minie ball struck Booth in the exact same place that he'd earlier shot Lincoln. Pure coincidence. Corbett might have called it divine intervention. In fact when asked about it, he said, "Providence guided my hand."

They dragged a screaming, mortally wounded John Wilkes Booth out into the open like a vampire. He begged for water, but when he got some he couldn't drink it. Lincoln had been lucky. He'd been unconscious until he succumbed to the assassin's bullet. Booth was not so lucky. He remained conscious as he died inch by inch. It took him so long to die that he literally begged the Union soldiers to kill him. Then, finally, hours after being shot he died. In case you were wondering, his last words were, as he looked at his hands, "Useless . . . useless."

Here's the thing: by shooting Booth, Corbett had gone against orders according to some historians, and it was a bit of a scandal. Corbett insisted that he thought Booth was going to shoot his way out, so shooting him dead was self-defense. "Booth would have killed me if I had not shot first. I think I did right." He then said that he hadn't intended to kill Booth, but at the same time he didn't have any problems with the result. Secretary of War Edwin Stanton famously said of Booth and Corbett, "The rebel is dead. The patriot lives. He has spared the country expense, continued excitement and trouble. Discharge the patriot."

Corbett became a celebrity. People wanted his autograph. They wanted to hear him tell the story of killing John Wilkes Booth. They wanted to buy the gun that killed the rebel, which he wouldn't sell "at any price" because the gun belonged to the government. But this is how he usually told the tale:

I aimed at his body. I did not want to kill him....I think he stooped to pick up something just as I fired. That may probably account for his receiving the ball in the head. [W]hen the assassin lay at my feet, a wounded man, and I saw the bullet had taken effect about an inch back of the ear, and I remembered that Mr. Lincoln was wounded about the same part of the head, I said: "What a God we have...God avenged Abraham Lincoln.

The public didn't agree with that last part. Corbett picked up another nickname: Lincoln's Avenger.

The fame had a double edge to it. Southerners routinely sent him death threats, so he made sure to be armed at all times. When discharged he went back to being a hatter but kept getting fired for stopping work to pray. When he could no longer find work as a milliner he capitalized on his fame and gave lectures and such, almost like the Coward Robert Ford did after killing Jesse James. But due to his fame and the threats to his life and the constant stream of being fired, he became paranoid, and his speeches became more incoherent as he ranted and raved at anyone who would listen.

In 1875, while attending a soldiers' reunion, one of the men expressed his doubt that Booth had even been killed. This enraged Corbett to the point of him pulling his gun on the accuser. The others rushed him out of there. Like when someone told Buzz Aldrin that the moon landing was faked. Aldrin and Corbett didn't respond well to such accusations.

In a last ditch effort at a normal life Corbett was given a job as the doorkeeper of the Kansas House of Representatives, but his paranoia got the better of him. He thought the Representative officers were after him, so he brandished his gun and chased after them. He didn't hurt anyone, but that was enough for a judge to sentence him to a mental institute in Topkea.

In 1888, around the time Billy the Kid was fighting a war in Lincoln County, AZ, Corbett escaped from the asylum on horseback. He was last seen in Neodesha, KS, where he stayed with a farmer before moving on to Mexico, or so the farmer said. People speculated that he'd actually gone to Minnesota where he died in the Great Hinckley Fire. Why speculated? Because if the story about Mexico is true, he did exactly what Ambrose Bierce did decades later: he went to Mexico and was never seen again.

Bizarrely there were two people who later claimed to be Corbett, one of them as late as 1905, but both were dismissed as fakes and were imprisoned.

So what really happened to the man who shot John Wilkes Booth? No one knows. But it's a strange way to end the strange tale of Thomas H. "Boston" Corbett.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #790: TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE

 

There aren't a lot of photographs of Abraham Lincoln delivering speeches. In fact, there's only one. On March 4, 1865, he delivered his second inaugural speech from the picture seen above. I know it's a little hard to see specifics, but maybe this close up will help:

You can read the full speech here. It's a good one. So good they inscribed it on the Lincoln Memorial with the Gettysburg Address. I can't imagine any modern president giving a speech like this.

He had 41 days to live.

On March 11 he issues Proclamation 124, pardoning any and all deserters of the Union Army provided they return to their posts within a certain time. The war seemingly is running its toll on the nation. Keep in mind that Virginia, a Confederate state, is not that far from Washington, DC.

On March 14 he issues an executive order on the subject of retaliation. For every Union soldier killed, a Confederate soldier must also be killed. For every Union soldier taken into slavery, a Confederate soldier must be captured and put to hard labor until his corresponding soldier is set free. This is possibly the president who wanted peace more than any other president in history. To resort to this must have been like acid in his bloodstream. A necessary evil? If only he knew what would happen in less than a month.

On March 17 he addresses the Indiana regiment, pumping them up for winning the war. He mentions that Confederates are pressing 1 out of 4 slaves into fighting the war for them. Looking back on the speech with modern eyes is a definite collar-puller, though. You can read it here. Lincoln may have been the best of the presidents, but he was far from perfect.

On March 27 he issues an executive order to raise the American flag at Ft. Sumter, won back by William "War is Hell" Sherman. If you don't know, that's where the Civil War officially began when Confederates raided the fort. The very same commander who lost the fort was the man to raise the flag over it again. It was a symbolic gesture to show that the war was finally going well for the North.

On April 3 the Union sounds the death knell for the South by taking Richmond, just a hop skip and jump from the White House. The very next day Lincoln visits Richmond without fear for his life.

On April 9 it happens. Robert E. Lee surrenders the Confederacy to Ulysses S. Grant, thus ending the Civil War.

On April 11 Lincoln makes his final speech on the White House lawn. It's his victory lap, but it's also about what the country needs to do next: Reconstruction. He talks about not just throwing the Confederates in the trash because that's where they belong. He talks about reform. Healing. Helping them become better people. As one can imagine, that doesn't sit well with many people. One person in particular. You can read this speech here. It's also a good one. A little awkward, again by modern judgment, but still good.

On April 14, 41 days after his second inaugural address, Abraham Lincoln goes to Ford's Theater for a play called Our American Cousin. He sits in the balcony overlooking the stage. He doesn't sense a shadowy figure behind him. He may not even hear the sound of a pistol going off. The bullet soars out of the gun and plants itself in the back of Lincoln's head.

Stop.

Let's take that bullet out of Lincoln's skull and put it back in John Wilkes Booth's gun. Let's walk him back out of the balcony. Back to the saloon where he spent the intermission. Back to earlier in the day when he told his co-conspirators that Lincoln was going to be at the theater that night. He sent someone to kill Secretary of State Sewell and one to kill Vice President Johnson. Go back earlier in the day to when Booth showed up at Ford's Theater to pick up his mail, to when he was told that Lincoln would be attending the play that night.

Back to April 12 when he learns of Lee's surrender at Appomattox. He tells others that he's planning to retire from the stage to focus only on Venice Preserv'd, a play about assassination. Because now he knows that Lincoln must die. This is when he makes the decision.

Back to April 11 as he watches Lincoln from the White House lawn giving a speech about winning the Civil War and the Reconstruction that must follow. As Booth learns that Lincoln intends to give slaves rights, he vows that this will be Lincoln's final speech.

It is.

Back to March 17 when Booth learns that Lincoln will attend a play called Still Waters Run Deep at Soldier's Home. Booth immediately plots to kidnap Lincoln and even puts his men on the road to Soldier's Home. Lincoln never shows. As we know from above, he was too busy on that day for theater.

Back to March 5 when he boasts to friends about how close he was to Lincoln the previous day. "What an excellent chance I had to kill the president," he tells them.

Because go back to that first picture. It's hard to see, but Booth wasn't lying about being close to Lincoln that day:

Look a little closer.

Time is a flat circle.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #765: THIS NIGHT ONLY

 

Imagine getting tickets to go to a play. The tickets say THIS NIGHT ONLY on them. You find out that the president of the United States is going to be there, watching the play with you. Sounds pretty interesting, no? And then some fucker (not one of you reading these columns, I mean an actual bad fucker) shoots the president.

This night only takes on a different meaning.

The play in question was Our American Cousin. The theater, Ford's. The president was none other than Abraham Lincoln. And the picture you see above is of two used tickets to the show. They went up for auction a few weeks ago and sold for $262,500.

It's kind of weird to sell historical artifacts like that, but this is the world we live in. It's not even the weirdest historical artifact to be sold. Rasputin's penis, for example, was sold to a museum in Russia. A lot of people doubt its authenticity, but it was sold to the museum by Rasputin's daughter, Maria. If anyone was to sell it, I'm pretty sure it would be someone who knew him personally. I still have questions, as I'm sure you all do, but I lean toward it being legit.

If GF can be said to have a slogan, it's, "History is never far behind us." That these tickets to Ford's Theater on that tragic night have resurfaced is proof of that. And there's more. The bullet that killed Lincoln is still out there. I think the White House Historical Society has it. And the historical museum where Ford's used to be has the gun that fired it.

Hell, there are life and death masks of Lincoln out there, too, just in case we ever doubt what he actually looked like. We have paintings and photos and such, but there is no substitute for a 3D image to give a dead historical figure life.

When I was a kid the Fullersburg Forest Preserve had a walkthrough exhibit where you could see bones of a wooly mammoth that had been found there. They recently put it together, and now it towers in the exhibit they currently have there, but back then I'd reach over the ropes and put my hand on the mammoth's bones. It seems kind of silly, but it transported me back. I felt a thrill, like I was actually touching history.

There's plenty of history out there, and one person just paid a shit-ton of money to touch (and own) one grim piece of it. If I had the money, I might have done the same.

And then I think of centuries from now, whatever civilization that takes over from us might find my old bones. I wonder if one of their children might pick up, say, my femur and wonder who I was.