GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #224: KILLING HITLER

Earlier today I ran into a friend and his family. While he and his wife ordered food from McDonald's I found myself in an interesting conversation with their seven-year-old son. He's actually pretty smart. I've always thought that he was going to go on to do something important. He certainly knew more than I did when I was his age.

We started talking about time travel stories and historical SF. He'd just read some good stuff, and he was thinking about the age old question: if you could go back in history and kill baby Hitler, would you? He didn't want to do that. Blessed with coming of age in a more tolerant time he said he wanted to go back in time and help Hitler be a better person so he wouldn't do all of those horrible things. "I want him to experience beauty," he said. "Maybe he didn't have enough art in his life. Maybe he should have been a creator instead of a destroyer. I'd try to teach him an art, like painting or something."

My blood froze with that last statement. In that moment I realized that this kid was going to be a genius. One day he was going to invent a time machine, and he was going to go back in time to teach young Hitler how to paint. Which will lead to him being refused admittance to an art school. Which will lead to genocide and a wildly violent attempt at world domination.

There is no changing time. If you travel back in your future, it has already been done.

I just realized that I had to kill this child so he couldn't go back in time to try and save Hitler.

Wish me luck.

Just kidding. Children are not smart. They're stupid and disgusting. If you knew me you would have known this was a joke. Do you realize how many messes I've had to clean up because of children? I'm pretty sure that they're all Donald Trumps waiting to happen. Good luck in training that out of them.

All right, kids aren't that bad. I'm just glad I don't have any I have to take care of. I thought it was a good joke, that's all. I apologize to the children of the world for assuming they're all assholes. They're not. Well, most of them aren't. Some are good. Probably.  #VoteBruniDanger2016

SHIT ON TV by Dr. Jonah Chaos

Recently, the FCC reduced the Seven Words You Can't Say on Television to six.  You can now say "shit" on TV, and CHICAGO HOPE took advantage of this.

In Elmhurst, citizens are up in arms about this, going so far as to picket City Hall.  Mayor T--- M------- said at a press conference that he is indeed pissed off at the FCC, especially if it will win him votes in the upcoming election.  "What if children hear it on TV?" M-------- said.  "Fuck the FCC!  FCC stands for Fuckin' Cocks and Cunts!"

In fact, many children who overheard M--------'s speech have adopted his cry of, "Fuck the Fuckin' Cocks and Cunts!"  They shout it gleefully in the streets.

"Fuck those bastards!" said Thomas Finn, 8.  "How dare those cocksuckers expose us to the s-word!"

My question is, what's the problem?  There should be nation-wide celebrations.  One down, six to go.  As much as I despise the poison semen of Satan's crusty, wart-spotted, AIDS-infected cock (the mayor), I have no choice but to agree with him.  Fuck the FCC!  Not because they let "shit" slip by, but because they put so many regulations on TV in the first place.

Words are words.  Some may be powerful, some insulting, but is it wrong to say certain things just because they imply something dirty?  "Shit" describes something emitted from every human being.  It's perfectly normal to excrete a hunk of brown, stinking matter.  In fact, your bodies rely on the act of shitting.  Why, then, is the word "shit" considered immoral?

To "fuck" is for one being, be it male or female with a strap-on, to insert a cock-like object, be it dick or dildo, into the hole of another human being, male or female, cunt or asshole.  This act is also perfectly natural and quite pleasurable to boot.  In other words, not only do people do it, but people do it a lot.  Not only should it be allowed to say "fuck" on TV, it should also be allowed to fuck on TV, or at least have some sex scenes that show nudity besides some guy's wrinkled ass.

These are only two examples.  There are many more.  The question remains, then, why allow the existence of the FCC?  The argument that certain words are dirty does not hold.

The only possible answer is to lie to children, to maybe deter them from fucking by keeping them stupid.  Why keep them from fucking?  Teenage pregnancy, so-called decency, sexually transmitted diseases, and most importantly, fear.  God help them if these kids ever experience pleasure!

I implore you to stop lying to our future.  While you're at it, how about giving them some freedom, too?  Take age requirements off tobacco and alcohol.  It means nothing anyway, except to earn the city money when kids get fined for under-aged smoking or drinking.  To restrict something is to restrict thinking.  To restrict thinking is to restrict evolution.  To restrict evolution is to restrict intellectual growth.  Thus, to restrict kids from having a choice about anything is to reduce them to the level of morons.  Maybe if you start treating kids like intelligent human beings, with dignity, they might surprise you.

Think about it, if you're capable.