Monday, March 18, 2024

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #816: THIS ALSO SHALL PASS AWAY

 The older I get, the more I hear people say, "Oh God. I'm so old!" And the funny thing is, I hear people in their fuckin' twenties saying it. Granted, the world is so fucked right now that I'm not surprised they feel old. But I have a theory. People who say they're so old absolutely fucking love saying it. I think deep down they don't actually believe they're really old.


I think I'm old, but 45 isn't that old, big picture. Not only that, but the longer I live, the more I realize that appearance of age has changed drastically since I was a kid. People who were in their sixties when I was a wee lad looked more like they were in their eighties. Sixties looks a lot younger these days than it used to. Not sure what caused that, but people are staying more youthful than they used to. As a result, I think the only people allowed to say they're old are people aged seventy and above.


Conversely, don't ever dare tell a young person that they're young. Young people fucking hate that with a passion. I think it's their urge to grow up and be taken seriously. Young people look even younger to me today. College kids look like junior high schoolers to me. And they will fight tooth and nail to be considered old. Maybe that's why they start saying it in their twenties. It's an attempt to appear more worldly in the eyes of others.


I swear to fuck, youth is wasted on the young. If I knew all the things I do now back when I was still a teenager, I would have maximized my youth to its fullest potential. But I didn't. I was too busy thinking old. But there are things that I was very much aware of back then.


I was one of the very few kids who didn't want to grow up. (Yes, I was a Toys Backwards R Us kid.) I tried to hold onto the things of childhood later than others my age because I knew that the real world would be waiting to chew me up and spit me out, and I wanted to prolong that day for as long as possible. I still played with my GI Joes and Transformers long after I should have. I'd tell you when I stopped, but I'm going to leave that to your imagination. You'd think I was crazy. Considering all the other crazy shit I've said here, that's probably saying something.


I remember the last class I had in high school. I remember looking around, thinking I would never see this place again. I'd graduate, and that was it. When I walked out the main entrance to the buses, then I would no longer be a student. And I have never gone back to York Community High School since graduation. I clutched at these things, trying to stop time from moving so goddam fast. Savoring experiences that no one else ever would simply because I knew I wouldn't have that in adulthood.


When I hit adulthood, I hit pretty hard. I accepted that my world had moved on, and I had to move on to keep up. The world is always moving on. And I think that's what's at the heart of my midlife crisis.


"This also shall pass." Contrary to popular belief that's not in the Bible. It's in Solomon's Seal by Edward FitzGerald. It's probably an old Persian saying, but FitzGerald popularized it. I suppose it's easy to see why so many people think it's biblical. But here's the quote: "The Sultan asked Solomon for a signet motto, that should hold good for Adversity and Prosperity. Solomon gave him, 'This also shall pass away.'" I'm certain it's what Chuck Berry was thinking of when he wrote "Pass Away."


It's possibly the wisest thing someone could say. It's 100% true in the best of times and the worst of times. It was true before humanity rose from the beasts, and it will be true after we're gone.


I want you to think of your favorite toy from when you were a kid. Some of you may even still have it, but I'll bet for most of you it's long gone. Do you long for it? Or do you think, ah, that's just kid stuff. Now hold your most prized possession and know that one day either you will not have it, or it will not have you. You always hope for the former, but the latter is always there, waiting. As Chuck Berry said, "But mortal flesh must come to clay, even this must pass away."


"I'm so old!" Maybe. Maybe not. But the next time someone says that to you, look them in the eye. You'll feel the words are exaggerated frustration, and that there is a gleam of pleasure in that person's eyes. Don't be so quick to age. If you live long enough, you'll get there, and I'll bet not a single one of you will facetiously say you're old. When you say it in the future, YOU WILL MEAN IT. And then there's no turning back. The world will have moved on.

Friday, March 15, 2024

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #815: SNOW FORT

 When I was a kid I built my share of snow forts. The unfortunate thing is, I was lousy at it. Thankfully, and this is probably the only time you'll hear me say this, but thankfully I had my stepfather.


I talk shit about him all the time with good reason, but no one is completely a piece of shit. Except for Donald Trump, but he barely qualifies as human. At any rate, my stepfather had a few good qualities, and one of them was he was a genius. He was a biologist with a well-known Chicago area university, and he wrote books on the subject.


I should probably mention, before you start armchair shrinking me, that I wanted to be an author *before* I met him. Just a weird coincidence.


One of the things he was really good at was building snow forts. They were masterpieces of architecture. He tried to teach me how, but I have no skill for building anything, the reason being is I can somehow measure out, say, an inch, but anyone else measuring the same inch would get two. At first I thought I was so unlucky that I blamed every ruler I ever got for being wrong until I realized that the problem was with me.


Hey, I was ten years old when I came to that conclusion.


I shit you not, someone could live in his snow forts. The walls were so solid you could probably punch one and break your hand. And these fuckers were huge. As a child I could stand up inside, reach my hand up and barely touch the ceiling. And he didn't just build this part, because he knew that you needed a refuge during a snow battle, but you needed ramparts to defend, too. He also built those ramparts so that they were nearly impenetrable.


No one could sack our snow fort, no matter how hard they tried. I rarely won anything when I was in his presence, but I could win snow wars. And yes, I did pretend I was on Hoth during such skirmishes.


You know what I never see anymore? Kids building snow forts. It seems they're only interested in snowmen, and that's just barely. I know, I know, kids today have so many things vying for their attention, but I *did* have TV when I was a kid. Maybe the other parents back then forbade their kids from watching TV for too long, and they're not doing that for any and all devices today for whatever reason.


I don't want to come off as a grumpy old man complaining about kids today ("But?" I hear you ask), but my complaint is *not* with the kids. It's with their parents. We have adults today who were raised on the internet and tablets and smartphones, and that can't possibly be healthy. Why aren't parents more vigilant today? I'm sure middle-aged men when I was a kid were bitching about how TV couldn't possibly be healthy for kids, so maybe I'm just muttering darkly at the cloud instead of yelling at it. I *do* think I'm going through a midlife crisis, after all. I could be talking out of my ass, but the older I get the more I enjoy time away from any screen, any modern tech. It feels better, and I'm not sure why other people don't do that. I get it. Devices are addictive. They're designed that way, like cigarette companies putting nicotine in their product.


*sigh* Ah well.


I have very few happy memories with my stepfather, but I do miss those days building snow forts with him.

Thursday, March 14, 2024

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #814: OH, THE SPINAL INJECTIONS YOU'RE GOING TO GET!

 I think I might have mentioned here that I've been getting spinal injections for my bad foot and for the pain in my back. I've had three of them so far, and the fourth and final one is scheduled for next Thursday.


Except . . .


Today I saw the doctor I originally saw for this, not the pain clinic doc. We were discussing next steps, and I told him about the injections. He said he does those procedures himself and knows they're good, and he's glad I'm feeling better, but he doesn't think that last injection will help me. It will be the same as the one I got last Thursday, meaning it won't be different like the other two. It's for arthritis in my back, and he doesn't think it will help with what he thinks is causing the pain.


Because now that I've had an MRI he can see the discs between my vertebrae. Two of them we already knew were too thin, but now we can see they're bulging, too. Not much. Just enough to cause the pain. He says an epidural injection would be more beneficial to me, and that it should kill the pain but good.


So now I'm wondering what the hell I should do. I'm leaning toward doing the epidural and canceling next week's injection, but I want to talk to the pain clinic first. I also have a bunch of new info in my MyChart to look over in regards to the epidural. It's not a decision I need to make today, so I'm going to think about it tomorrow and over the weekend. I'll figure it out by Monday.


To do one spinal injection, or to do a different one? It's gonna suck either way. I view it as an Alien v Predator situation: whoever wins, we lose.

Wednesday, March 13, 2024

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #813: TIKTOK BAN


 

You probably heard about the TikTok bill working its way through Congress today because the House passed it on to the Senate, where it's likely to pass on to Joe Biden's desk. Biden has already said he would sign it into law.


I hesitate to use the word ban, because that's technically not what Congress is doing. Technically. Their problem is that ByteDance, who owns the company, is located in China, and we all know that talking shit about China gets politicians' dicks hard. Their concern is that the Chinese government might try to force the company to surrender its American users' data. (What about the rest of the world's data? Ah, fuck 'em, right?) What the bill actually says is, in order to continue operating in the US, ByteDance must sell TikTok to someone we're *not* enemies with. Either that, or they can kiss the US market goodbye.


So it's not a ban. It's a my-way-or-the-highway suggestion. It's altogether possible that ByteDance will eat the loss and move on because the US is only number three when it comes to population by country in the world. We're not even at half a million, and China and India have about 1.4M each. Granted, they're not all TikTok users, but that's a pretty wide market to take a bite out of. That's still not taking into account the populations of the other 231 countries. I saw a stat that says there's 172M TikTok users in the US. It would be painful to move on without us, but it's doable.


So it's possible it could turn into a ban, and all those politicians who voted for it will have their kids at their throats. I'm sure they live there on those various and sundry throats already, but I'm a little eager to see how that unfolds. Because I actually agree. TikTok should be held accountable, but not for the reasons Congress thinks.


Because ANY AND ALL corporate social media platforms do not give a single solitary fuck about their users' data. They view it as their job to take as much as possible from the users, not to help them. Helping people is detrimental to a company's bottom line. Social media is a huge fucking scam, and none of our data is safe.


If you doubt me, try turning down the terms and conditions when you sign up for a site. Have you ever read the terms and conditions? I'll bet you haven't, and if you did you wouldn't be so fast to sign away the rights to your data. But let's say you wanted to read the whole fucking thing. How long would it take?




That long. Whoo-boy, that Microsoft one is an absolute killer. These terms are designed that way to discourage you from reading it. Why spend the time when it's just easier to click on YES?


And don't get me wrong. I'm with you all, too. I signed my data away, as well, because there were more advantages to having, say, a Facebook page than there were disadvantages. But the longer I think about it, the less I'm comfortable with that.


I read a story today about how a bunch of people got scammed by a chef on Facebook. The problem is, it wasn't him. It was his profile, but someone hacked him, and when he tried getting his page back Facebook was absolutely no help. Such complaints apparently fall down into a black hole and are never seen again. No, really!


Like the guy in that story, most people who are hacked out of their profiles are so frustrated they give up and leave social media altogether. I understand that, but how comfortable are you knowing that a scammer now controls your Facebook page and has access not only to all your pictures, but also to those DMs you send?


You've known me a while, so I'm sure you know what my next step is. That's right, social media isn't special. ALL corporations do this. If you're unfamiliar with Cory Doctorow's concept of "enshittification," it goes like this. Companies are super helpful to their users while they're building their audience. Then they fuck over their users in favor of advertisers. The final step is when they fuck over the advertisers in favor of their own products. Since we're using Facebook as an example, you can very easily track their enshittification. The moment Meta reared its head was when it entered the third stage. For some reason, though, Facebook has not collapsed like so many others before it. But as Doctorow is fond of quoting, "Anything that can't go on forever will eventually stop." Cheerful thought. Seems obvious, but think about it for a moment. What would you do if tomorrow Coca-Cola went out of business? Doesn't seem possible, does it? But one day Coke will be gone. It's a fact. We might not be around for that day, but it will come.


Long story short (too late) I don't think Congress is going far enough. TikTok is doing to its American users exactly what EVERY FUCKING SOCIAL MEDIA SITE DOES TO ITS AMERICAN USERS. All of them. No exceptions. So why go after just TikTok? Because they're Chinese and thus are our enemies?


Maybe we're getting a glimpse into the mind of Americanus politicianis, one of the most terrible species on the planet. The message I'm getting from them is, Chinese companies can't fuck with American users because, dammit, that's our job. We can't be outsourcing the abuse of American consumers to foreign nations. American companies might starve to death, and that's unthinkable.


Apply this bill to all corporations doing business in America, you fucking cowards.

Tuesday, March 12, 2024

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #812: RANDY'S CHEESEBURGERS

The Jim Lahey Show and Randy

 

If you follow me on social media, you know I did a rewatch of Trailer Park Boys. It turns out I missed a couple of movies the first time, and there's a new series. I finished it all, but that new series is exclusive to Swearnet. If you don't know, the boys created their own streaming network so they didn't have to be constrained by someone else's rules. For just two bucks a month you get access to everything.


So I finished what they had of TPB: Jail Shorts and moved on to other stuff. You all know I have an affinity for Mr. Lahey, as he and I were both thrall to the Liquor and its extremes. So I was happy to discover The Jim Lahey Show and Randy, a late night show with booze, cursing, alcoholic blowouts and other lunacies, weed and Randy's cheeseburger recipes.


Like, for example, Cheeseburger Pancakes. Yes, you read that right.


I'm a lot like Randy, too. When I'm at home I rarely wear a shirt, and I fuckin' love cheeseburgers. But I gotta get something off my chest. Randy doesn't know how to make a cheeseburger.


Randy is one of those assholes who puts the cheese UNDER THE PATTY. I'm a burger purist, and nothing should go under the meat. Everything should go up on top. Putting anything UNDER the meat changes the whole taste dynamic.


I think only cheese, ketchup and mustard should go on a burger. Some fast food places have decent onions and pickles, and I can live with that. I ordinarily hate bacon on a burger, but I've discovered that for some strange unfathomable reason the Bacon McDouble is great.


I'm never going to give anyone shit for putting tomatoes or lettuce on their burgers, but I would never put them on my burger. To me that's crazy talk. You can't let supposedly healthy food get in the way of a good burger.


And yes, if you were wondering I absolutely hate it when food touches food. Food must be pure and eaten separately from other food. And no, I won't just take the tomato and lettuce off the burger. THAT SHIT HAS INFECTED THE BURGER. It's of no use to me now.


And yes (again) I am a little OCD. Maybe more than that. I used to be a lot worse. I wouldn't exactly say I was Adrian Monk, but I was pretty bad.



*sigh* Maybe I'm being harsh on ol' Randers. I guess if it makes him happy, he should do it. I just hate to see good cheeseburgers go to waste like that.


And don't get me started on those damned kids on my lawn!

Monday, March 11, 2024

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #811: A RETURN TO WORK

 After being gone from work for nearly two months, I returned today. Of course I slept lousy last night, so I kind of shuffled through my day. I found, much to my delight, that I did not forget how to sell auto glass. Also, for the first time ever, I didn't have hours of emails and notifications waiting for me upon my return. I got through all of it before even punching in, and I was only five minutes earlier than usual today.


All in all, not a bad day. It felt good to be back to doing something with my days other than stewing in bed, waiting for my sickness bouts to be over. I almost got my quota before lunch. The afternoon slowed down, so I didn't get a lot of sales, but I made more than expected.


It was a fairly easy day until the last call of the shift. It's always the last call of the shift.


I had about eight minutes to go before quitting time, but I figured the incoming call wouldn't be the one to keep me late. It would be the next call. I was, of course, wrong.


"Lemme ask you a quick question," he said. You *all* know how I feel about "quick" questions. And, naturally, I had to do one of my most annoying tasks at work: I had to get OEM info for the customer.


Original Equipment Manufacturer, in case you were wondering. To do that I had to reach out to a dealership, and I usually have to call several of them before I get through to a parts department willing to help. This is where things get tricky because you can't ask what the part number is. 95% of the time they won't give it to you without a fight. The reason is, they want to sell the part, not help me with a fact finding mission. So I have to be very deceptive to get the info I need out of them, and it's a hassle. I have a long history of doing morally questionable things in the name of my job, but I'd just rather not. And then, my least favorite part, is tricking the parts desk guy into giving me the part number. I'm fairly successful at this. I'd say I only fail 20% of the time.


For this customer I called three dealers before I got someone who could help. And when I tricked him into giving me the part number, I saw it was nothing like the one I expected. This is because our system can look up any modern VIN (meaning, a VIN with 17 characters) EXCEPT for brand new vehicles. My system thought it was a Buick Envision, but in talking to the parts guy I discovered that this is supposed to be a brand new model debuting this year.


I kept working on it until I left, which was 20 minutes late. Fuck.


But I didn't talk to any asshole customers. I did have to clean up other people's mistakes, mostly customer mistakes, thankfully. But I made it through without suffering too much.


Except for one thing. After lunch I reached out to my contact in regards to that position I'm desperately trying to get with another team. It's a dream job (as far as dream jobs can go at this company), and I was afraid my time off might have fucked up my ambitions.


My contact was no longer with the company. I reached out to his boss, who would have been my boss, and he said that they decided not to go with anyone. They restructured the department instead. I am once again stranded at a sales job that pays fairly well but is otherwise not very pleasant for me. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that. We seem to run through supervisors pretty quickly. Maybe another position will pop up, and I'll try for that.


I'm sure that work treated me well merely because it was my first day back. I'm sure I'll be bitching and moaning again soon. Maybe even by the end of the week! We shall see . . .

Friday, March 8, 2024

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #810: THE RETURN, PART 2

 


So the next day I went back to Graceland Cemetery to find Death from issue 2 and the Greek ruins from issue 3. Finding the statue of Death is easy. It marks the family grave of the pioneers who founded the City of Chicago. But no one is interested in the plaque on the back. Everyone wants to peer into Death's face to see how they're going to die.


That's not me talking out my ass. That's the urban legend. The first time I looked Death in the face? I saw Death's face and nothing more. That's held true for every subsequent time, including this most recent visit. Nothing. But it was good to see an old friend.


I was tempted to pull a Bill Murray in Ghostbusters 2 when he's taking pictures of a certain Carpathian, but maybe a cemetery isn't the best place to do that. But know in my mind I screamed, "Destroy me!"


Finding the place that looks like the Greek ruins on the cover of issue 3 was a little more difficult. Death is practically at the entrance. But I had to find the little island from which Fuller and I got the pictures for the third issue of Tabard Inn.


The cemetery was fairly deserted that day. I'd only seen one jogger there. But as I got closer to a forgotten corner I saw a coyote wandering around. Coyotes aren't super common around here, but they're not uncommon, either. Although this close to the city is a little weird. I'm more likely to see them across the street from where I live. The Prairie Path is home to more than a few.


But this guy looked a little big for a coyote, so I took a curve, and as I saw more of the front of the coyote, I realized, holy shit, it's a fucking WOLF. I don't think I've ever seen a dusty-colored wolf before, but that's what I was seeing in that moment. I stopped the car, and the wolf and I looked at each other for a while. I wondered what it would be like to come across such a creature in the wilderness. Wolves usually only attack in packs, but I felt certain that if I didn't have the protection of society and the car I was sitting in, this thing could tear me to pieces. If it wanted to.


It didn't want to. It seemed a little curious about me, but not curious enough to approach. So I waved, and it turned its head a little, and I drove off.


I did find the island, but that didn't mean I knew where the ruins were. I just knew I'd be able to find them once I had the island. It's a little island for a few graves, but you cross a bridge to get there. I like standing on bridges over small bodies of water because I can usually see the bottom, which means I can watch the fish. There are a lot of carp in that little creek, and I enjoyed my time watching them.


An attractive young woman approached me and asked if I was looking for someone. I smiled and said that I'm just enjoying the view. She said OK and walked away. Only then did I realize she was looking for a blind date. Meeting a blind date on an island in a cemetery? I'd love to hear that story.


But I make it a habit of not putting my nose where it doesn't belong. I'd found the island. I didn't need to walk around on it and interrupt her quiet time. I left her leaning on a grave, writing in a notebook.


I followed the path around until I found the ruins. They don't look quite like Greek ruins up close, but when seen through the trees from the island? Different story.




It's still a pretty excessive grave, but then again Graceland is full of those. I got up close to what I thought of as the Greek ruins.




It's a pretty imposing structure. I don't know who the Palmers were, but they must have been either very rich or very important or very both. A lot of local historical figures are buried at Graceland, including Allan Pinkerton.


I had the pictures I wanted, so I headed out of the cemetery. Which is kind of difficult because it's big, and you can get turned around easily. If you live in the Chicagoland area, I recommend spending an afternoon at Graceland. It's at the corner of Clark and Irving Park. It's a beautiful place.


Watch out for wolves . . .