Monday, May 9, 2016


Where the fuck have I been for the last few months? Good question. I'm going to answer it here.

It started as a lump in my armpit. It hurt like a bastard, but I assumed it was an abscess. I talked about it to several friends, and they said I should get it checked out because it might by lymph node cancer. So I went to urgent care in Lombard, and they said I was right. It was an abscess. And it popped the instant the doctor looked at it. Here's the problem: while I was in the waiting room, some fucking child ran around coughing and sneezing all over everything. I only get sick once a year. Unfortunately, that was the time of year I tend to get sick. So I caught whatever this asshole kid had, and it put me out of commission for a couple of weeks.

My doctor thought it was pneumonia, but after two x-rays, it turned out not to be true. There's a stomach virus going around, so they assumed I had that. Maybe I did, but whatever it was triggered something else off.

It felt exactly like pancreatitis. See my previous bout with it here. It wasn't, though. They tested me, and my pancreas can murder you to your face, it is that strong.

I had horrible bouts of puking, and when everything was out of my system, I dry heaved for hours, sometimes days, on end. I was in utter agony, and I couldn't sleep because of it. I was crippled for nearly the entire month of March and a lot of April.

Imagine that. Two months where for the most part, you can't take solid food. You're surviving on apple sauce and Tang alone. If you consume anything more solid than that, you're puking and dry heaving and in utter agony for hours. You're not sleeping because it hurts too much, and you haven't had a sexual thought because your body is too ravaged. Horrible. HORRIBLE.

It's been slightly more than a week since I've had a horrible episode. I went in for all sorts of tests, and none of them resulted in a satisfactory answer. I've missed my last two paychecks because my short term disability checks aren't coming through due to my doctor's refusal to sign off on them until he could see me again . . . except he couldn't see me for two weeks because he was booked solid.

It felt wonderful to be disconnected from the world because I don't have to hear about all the horrible shit going on in my country. Primarily Trump. But I miss things like reading. I couldn't watch shows I wanted to watch because some of the heavy drugs I was given meant that I might pass out at any moment.

But I've been good for slightly more than a week. When I learned I could keep solid food down, I went crazy. I ate every fucking thing I wanted to. Ever watch Lucifer? There's a character named Malcolm who went to Hell but was rescued by Michael to kill Lucifer. The problem: for the few moments Malcolm was dead, he was in Hell for two hundred years. It was so horrible that when he got back to our world, he gorged himself on all the wonderful food we have. That's me right now. Quesalupas, etc. are filling my belly because I was in Hell for a month in a half.

I did not have a sexual thought for a bit more than a month. When I finally started getting hard-ons again, I went down a fucking crazy porn rabbit hole that eventually led me to a guy cutting off his own dick, which finally brought me back from insanity.

Have you ever been confined to your bed for a month or longer? As soon as I found myself capable of getting out of the house, you'd better fucking believe I did. I went to just about every forest preserve in driving distance so I could sit there and read. I couldn't read while sick, but when I could, I did everything in my ability to not read at home. I got horrible sunburns on my forearms and face only because I was outside so much, just to get away from my sick bed.

I know it sounds crazy, but I'm eager to go back to work tomorrow. I've been driving myself insane at home. I deal with a lot of assholes at work, but when I'm sick at home, I have to deal with my own asshole self.

But . . . there's more. I've missed my last two paychecks because my doctor wouldn't sign the short term disability papers before he could send me back to work. I'm fucking broke. Seriously. I lived off my savings for two weeks, and I managed to survive the next month on the puny credit I had. Yesterday I was literally broke. I was going to lose my car and my insurance. I borrowed money from a family member, and that was going to keep me going until I finally got my STD payment next week. But that probably wouldn't have been enough. I lucked out and got my tax refund this afternoon. It's a hefty check, and it saved the shit out of me. I would have saved my car and insurance, but without this check, I would have lost an awesome credit score, and I would have lost just about everything else in about two weeks. This is the closest I've ever come to financial destruction. I grew up poor as shit, but this is the first time I have personally (not familial) come to losing everything.

I'm excited to go back to work. I'm glad to have this illness behind me. I want to go back to helping assholes and fuckfaces (and, occasionally, the honest person who isn't an asshole or fuckface who genuinely needs help; and I love them dearly).

I'm plugging myself back into the world. Fuck Trump. Fuck Clinton. Fuck everyone, except for Sanders, who I honestly feel sorry for. Fuck the people who are fucking us, and fuck the people who would throw us under the bus.

I'm back. Let's kick the shit out of everyone who is trying to take advantage of us.