Do you know what I would do if I ever found myself in a position of power in the world? If my name is ever big enough to hold clout in the creative industries, I hereby pledge to make a TV series out of the greatest DC comic book ever published (even better than JONAH HEX, and I hold that title in high regards): HITMAN. You see, I’ve long stated that my favorite comic book of all time is PREACHER, but I miss HITMAN so much more. It ended long before it had to. This book, well, it couldn’t go on forever, but it could have gone on a lot longer than it did. It’s just that not enough people were reading it, which makes no sense to me. Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, Green Lantern, they’re all unworthy of their readership. Well, maybe not Batman, but the rest can go fuck themselves.
You know the best part? I could probably make this TV series on network channels. Sure, there’s a lot of violence, drinking, smoking, and people acting far below an acceptable moral level, but there’s no cursing. There’s no nudity. Writer Garth Ennis even figured out how to make the no-cursing thing seem realistic: the guy who curses the most swore to his dying mother that he’d stop. Therefore, “fuck” and “shit” doesn’t exist in these pages.
I wouldn’t get any big names for the main characters, but I know the series inside and out. I know the characters. I know what makes this a great series. I would make this right, and you would all love it. I’m willing to bet that if I count you among people I would honestly call a friend, you would LOVE this book. Love it like no other. Because if I don’t think you would like this book, I would deem you unworthy of friendship.
Fuck it. The real reason I’m writing this is because I miss HITMAN more than ever, and I want to talk about it. If you’ve never come upon Tommy Monaghan before, I’d like to introduce you. If you’re familiar with Tommy and the boys at Noonan’s, it’s time to reminisce.
Once upon a time, a newcomer to American comics named Garth Ennis, who was only known for writing HELLBLAZER at the time, and his close friend and longtime artistic collaborator, John McCrea, took over the helm of THE DEMON from Alan Grant. The timing was perfect, because shortly after they started, they got the chance to take part in DC’s crossover at the time, Bloodlines. You might remember that this was when a bunch of aliens came to our planet and attacked a bunch of humans. Most of the victims died, but some of them developed superpowers and thus became the new generation of DC superheroes.
The future writer of THE BOYS, Ennis knew even then that he didn’t care for superheroes, so he took the opportunity, in the second DEMON annual, to introduce the world to the hitman with a heart of gold, Tommy Monaghan. While getting ready to take out a big-time mobster via sniper rifle, a Bloodlines alien named Glonth attacks his target. Unfortunately, Glonth notices Monaghan and attacks him.
The mobster is unlucky and dies. Tommy is . . . well, more fortunate. Instead, he wakes up in a hospital with x-ray vision and the ability to read people’s minds. It’s a bit hard for him to control (he wears a pair of sunglasses, even at night, to give him that extra layer so he doesn’t have to spend his life looking at people as skeletons all the time), and it hurts like a bitch (so he spends a lot of his time drinking to kill the pain). But with these newfound abilities, he adopts the name Hitman (although he never uses it himself ever again) and exclusively takes on metahuman jobs. Well, okay, he still takes on mobsters for pizza and beer money. But mostly, if you’ve got a pesky supervillain hanging around, he’ll take the job.
In Tommy’s first adventure as Hitman, he goes to the wake of the mobster Glonth killed, mostly to kill the mobster’s sons, a set of conjoined twins who have put a contract out on Monaghan’s head. In an orgy of blood and violence, Tommy kills one of the twins (which leads to a pretty funny story later on in his life) and meets Etrigan for the first time (also something that will lead to more hilarity down the line).
I don’t know if Ennis meant for Tommy to be a recurring character, but the fans spoke, and he became very popular. He made a couple more appearances in THE DEMON before Ennis ended the book. [HERE’S THAT SPOILER WARNING] In Tommy’s last appearance in the book, he took part in one of the awesomest story arc conclusions ever. He helps Jason Blood, Etrigan’s human host, steal the Demon’s heart. Etrigan, ever popular for his rhyming speech patterns, suddenly loses his playful nature and starts speaking straightforwardly for the first time ever. Now, Tommy’s a pretty questionable sort, but let’s face facts, Etrigan is actually evil. So it’s only natural that Tommy would want to help put the Demon down. However, when he sees just how helpless Etrigan is, he can’t help but add insult to injury . . . BY PINCHING THE DEMON’S CHEEK AND CALLING HIM A BIG PUSSYCAT. (Oh yes, that move does indeed lead to more insanity later. Tommy has made himself an enemy for life with that little move.) [END OF SPOILERS . . . FOR NOW.]
Shortly after the demise of THE DEMON, Ennis and McCrea were given the chance to let Tommy have his own monthly book. In April 1996, HITMAN #1 was unleashed on the world, and the DCU was never the same. It begins simply, with these words: “My name’s Tommy Monaghan, and I kill people for money. It’s a living.” He then goes on to kick off his first story arc by puking on Batman, accepting a job to break into Arkham Asylum and kill the Joker, and battling with a multi-armed Nazi monster called the Mawzir. Hot shit! And over the course of the next few years, SHIT JUST KEPT GETTING BETTER!
Welcome to the Cauldron, which is essentially Gotham City’s version of Hell’s Kitchen. On a particularly dingy street corner squats Noonan’s bar, proprietor Sean Noonan. This is where Tommy Monaghan and all of his friends hang out. We learn over the course of the years that Tommy was an orphan left on Sean’s doorstep as a baby. The bartender then raised young Tommy up alongside his own son, Pat. Sean, a retired hitman himself, pretty much caters to other hitmen. Pat doesn’t go down that path, but he’s more than happy to help “manage” Tommy’s business. Also present are Ringo, Tommy’s main competition and also one of his closest friends, and Hacken, who talks a good game but is ultimately Gotham’s biggest moron. Later on, an old friend from Tommy’s days in the Marines joins the cast, Natt the Hatt, who also, it turns out, is a hitman.
Let’s not forget about Sixpack, the resident drunkard. He believes that he’s a superhero, and he certainly dresses like one, but to give you an idea of what he’s like, he once got drunk and passed out in an alley in the winter, pissing himself. Later, he thought he’d been in a battle with Mr. Freeze. Yeah, he’s like that.
And he’s not alone. He’s the leader of Section Eight, the greatest superhero team to ever grace a comic book page. For example, among their ranks is the Defenestrator, who carries a window with him for the express purpose of throwing evildoers through it. Then there’s Flem Gem, who spits radioactive gunk at bad guys. And how about Dog Welder, who welds dogs to criminals’ faces? But my favorite of all is Bueno Excellente, who fights crime with the power of perversion. Meaning, he sneaks up on the bad guys and rapes them.
With such an august cast, how can you ignore this book? It’s so batshit crazy and off the wall that it is IMPOSSIBLE to ever get bored with this book. And to top it all off, none of these characters are safe. Guess how many of these guys are still alive at the end of the series. Go on. Guess. I’ll tell you a bit later on.
The adventures these guys share are incredible. Remember the time Tommy went up against Nightfist? Yeah, you know the guy. He’s the vigilante who takes on drug dealers . . . so he can steal their drugs . . . so he can do them. Or how about when the Green Lantern stopped by Noonan’s and revealed himself to be a cheapskate? I’ll never forget the Zombie Night at the Gotham Aquarium. Who would? A mad scientist decides to make a bunch of fish and penguins and walruses into zombies?! But I really hold dear the Ace of Killers story arc, when Etrigan returned to Gotham. Catwoman was in on that one. Tommy was real fuckin’ glad to have x-ray vision for that one. [SPOILERS AGAIN] Remember when I said that Tommy had made an enemy for life with that face-pinching incident? Etrigan came back and bargained hard. Some of you may recall that was how he got his heart back. Of course, his grand scheme of betrayal almost got Tommy and Natt killed, but it gave us one of the more memorable characters back from the world of THE DEMON: Baytor. Come on, you know Baytor. Everyone knows Baytor. He goes on to become the back-up bartender at Noonan’s, where the only thing he will ever say is I AM BAYTOR! [END OF SPOILERS]
Tommy and the boys even managed to get in on some of the bigger DC crossovers, like the Final Night, when all the hitmen were stuck in Noonan’s, discussing the time they came closest to getting killed. Shit, Ennis even managed to get Tommy in on the 1,000,000 crossover. Remember that one? Where all of DC’s creators tried to envision what the millionth issue of each book would be like? Seeing as how Tommy is a mere mortal, there is no way in hell he’d be still alive for the millionth issue, so . . . Ennis came up with this time travel thing which has to be read to be believed. (Best part about this one? Look at the cover below. TOMMY IS LIGHTING HIS CIGARETTE WITH A LIGHT SABER!)
I’m not going to talk about every storyline they went through. They’re all awesome, and if you haven’t read them, you need to. It isn’t always about humorous violence and blood orgies. Some of them are pretty serious, like when Tommy finds out who his real father is and, in response to his sister being murdered by the old man, he goes to Ireland to kill the bastard. Or when Tommy goes up against bloodthirsty SAS soldiers, and in the aftermath, he becomes so ashamed of his lifestyle that he and the boys hire themselves out to what they believe is a good cause: a war in another country that turns out to be royally fucked. Or the time when Sixpack actually does save the world.
But for each of those times, something ridiculous happens, like Tommy going back in time and facing off against a T-rex.
And it all leads up to the final storyline, “Closing Time.” [SPOILERS HERE, AND THIS TIME, I FUCKING WELL MEAN IT.] Readership of this book was so low near the end that DC had no choice but to cancel it. However, they were gracious enough to let Ennis bring it to a logical conclusion. Boy, did he ever. Remember how I said very few of these guys are still alive by the end of the book? Only a handful make it. Tommy is not among them. Of Noonan’s boys, only Hacken remains standing at the end. Well, Baytor, too. He’s still tending bar in Sean’s absence. Of Section Eight, only Bueno Excellente still roams the earth.
When it comes down to it, all who remain are Tommy and Natt, trying their best to save a poor pregnant woman who has been targeted by a metahuman regulatory committee. Pinned down by sniper fire, Tommy gets his hand blown off, and as he and Natt run away, trying to escape, Natt gets shot in the chest. They run for the helicopter that’s going to get them out of here, but Natt falls down, unable to continue. Tommy could have easily gotten away. No problem.
But he’s a loyal guy. He goes back, guns blazing, intent on saving his best friend’s life . . . and he gets gunned down for it. The final panel of issue 60 shows Tommy and Natt, blown to shit, breathing out their last.
[END OF SPOILERS]
So, what does it take to make a good Tommy Monaghan? Quick wit. A lot of charm. A healthy dose of devil-may-care with a pinch of heart-of-gold. A lot of love, but a good reserve of hate on call, just in case. And loyalty. A lot of that.
Six years later, Garth Ennis and John McCrae gave us a gift. You see, a while ago, Ennis was supposed to write a JLA special in which Tommy guest starred, but it never happened. DC condensed it to two special issues, and we got the pleasant surprise of seeing Tommy in action once again. In November and December of 2007, we got the JLA/HITMAN crossover, in which Superman tells a reporter the story of how Tommy Monaghan saved his life and the lives of Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and the Flash when a new strain of Bloodlines aliens came to their moon base. The final five pages of issue two are the perfect epilogue to Tommy Monaghan’s story. Read it and see for yourselves.
Here’s my gift to you: a list of all of Tommy Monaghan’s appearances. Not all of them are written by Garth Ennis (as Tommy is owned by DC, not by his creators), but I think you’ll enjoy them all.
THE DEMON ANNUAL #2
THE DEMON #43-45 and 52-54
HITMAN #1-60 (obviously)
HITMAN ANNUAL #1
HITMAN #1,000,000
HITMAN VS. LOBO #1
JLA/HITMAN #1-2
THE BATMAN CHRONICLES #4
JLA #5
SOVEREIGN SEVEN #26
AZRAEL #35
RESURRECTION MAN #9-10
SUPERMAN 80-PAGE GIANT #1
Happy reading! I leave you with this final word on HITMAN:
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