GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #236: PUTTING THE RUMP IN TRUMP

Wow. I can't believe what just happened tonight. There's a part of me that thinks that something is going to happen, and it's going to be revealed that there was some fuckery going on with the election. Probably not. If there was, we won't hear about it for years.


Whoo-boy. That's some rigged election we had there, Trump.


Sorry. I couldn't help that little jab.


It takes a lot to surprise me, folks. This surprises the fuck out of me. Maybe I got too confident in my ability to foresee the political future of America. I was born in 1978. The first election I was aware of was 1988. That was Bush I vs. Dukakis. I figured Dukakis would win because my grandfather wanted him to win (because he was Greek, just like my grandfather). In the gambling world, that's called "betting your heart." I lost, naturally.


Ever since then I have never EVER EVER been wrong about a presidential election . . . until today. I was certain Clinton would win. Surprise! I was so certain that I now have to rewrite a story in which I assumed Trump was going to lose.


I can't grasp it. President Trump. It's been a joke for so long, but I can't believe that he's going to take office in January. I wasn't thinking, I guess. I'd forgotten the wild card. The wild card that is 2016. It's been a shit year. I should have expected the worst.


I fucking loathed both Trump and Clinton. Fuck 'em both. They're scumbags of the slimiest order. They're both lower than whale shit. But, well, I figured Clinton would have been preferable. She's crooked at the least, a murderer at most. But she knows how to do the job. Government is so full of bullshit, as George Carlin once suggested, that if we removed it, the system would fall apart. She's the right scumbag to run this nation. Who knows? Maybe she even learned a few things from her husband. Remember when he ran this country? WE DIDN'T HAVE A DEFICIT. That's right, we lived debt free. We owned our own country. That's pretty remarkable. Maybe she would have gotten us out of our current mess.


No, I didn't vote for her. I didn't vote for anybody, not even myself. But! I live in Illinois, and the last time Illinois went to the Republicans was '88. (The grim specter.) Once again, IL went to the Democrats. My vote would not have mattered, just as I expected.


Then again, a lot happened tonight that I *didn't* expect.


I've seen a lot of my friends fall to pieces over this decision. Understandably so.


Ah fuck. I don't even know where I'm going with this. It's been so long since I've been wrong about an election, I'm in shock.


I'd say that Trump is racist, sexist, transphobic, etc. But I don't think he is. He just blurts shit out without thought. He's just a dick sucker. He'll say anything to get his way. Somehow he sensed that he'd get elected if he appealed to America's primitive underbelly, the one that thinks African Americans should be shipped back to Africa. Those who are surprised to learn that Native Americans are still around (didn't we kill them all?). The ones who think if you were born a certain sex and exhibit a need to be otherwise, you're subhuman. When you think about it, it's kind of shocking that Trump was able to say anything with that giant cock in his mouth.


Enough negativity. We're stuck with this situation. Let's try to look on the bright side. There is one. We still have hope. Maybe, just maybe, his garbage personality will result in something positive. I know, it's a long shot, but still.


A lot of my friends are in a bad place tonight. I'm sorry. I think we're all fucked, too. But there's a small part of me that thinks maybe something good will come of this. Maybe. I don't know. Neither do you. Or anyone. Not even Trump knows. He's too busy wrapping his lips around the rancid cocks of the lowest common denominator of the American people to think about the future.


I leave you with these final words. It's the best I can do right now. I hope those of you who feel miserable find some kind of comfort in them. I wish I could lay claim to these words, but all the credit goes to J.R.R. Tolkien:


Gandalf: "He hates and loves the Ring, as he hates and loves himself. He will never be rid of his need for it."


Frodo: "It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance!"


Gandalf: "Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many that live deserve death. And some that died deserved life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill, before this is over. The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many."


Goodnight, you poor bastards. Goodnight, and good luck.