Ever since I was a young man, I had a phrase I've always wanted to say. I never could because I was never old enough.
I got this line from an author I used to highly respect. He lives in disgrace now, as he should, because he didn't treat women authors as well as he claimed he did. Hint: he used to get annoyed when people used to confuse him for Nick Cave's excellent violinist. Now, I'll wager he wished that people would think he was Nick Cave's excellent violinist.
I used to have another quote of his on my office wall for the last 15 years: DRUNK SINCE 1983, AND I CAN STILL DEFEAT YOUR ENEMIES. A lot of people thought that was me in that picture because I shared the same evil genius beard when I had it. But the picture showed nothing above his eyebrows, which would have shown a bald head. I have a full head of luscious hair at the age of 42. That is one of two positive things I can say about my physical appearance. I have run into my fellow high school students over the years and have discovered that I'm a rarity in that I have all of my hair, and it is a veritable mop. Almost all of it is still black, too. I'm not a vain man, but I'm glad I still have all of my hair. I figured I'd be bald by thirty. I had my mom's hair, and all males until me on that side went bald by 20. But my dad died nearly 60 years of age with a full head, so I guess I have his genes to thank.
By the same thought process I thought I would age early. I would need a cane early. But I never thought I would need it this soon.
His other phrase: SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'LL HIT YOU WITH MY CANE. I have eagerly wanted to say that to someone. Now that I need a cane to get by most days, I actually can say it.
But none of you fuckers have given me an excuse. Please. Say something stupid to me. I want to say this line so badly. And mean it. Seriously. I'd like it if a stranger gave me the opportunity, but I need this in my life.
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