You may have seen the news lately that New Orleans's days are numbered. Due to the rising sea level, and considering how most of that city exists below that sea level, it is in danger of disappearing altogether. It's possible that whatever civilization follows ours might find its ruins thanks to the distant descendants of our Atlantis hunters. In fact, according to a new study, New Orleans "may be surrounded by the Gulf of Mexico by the end of the century." That's a pretty grim diagnosis.
Think about that. New Orleans is a major city. There's a lot of culture there. And it's all going to vanish soon. Your kids might not see it disappear, but their kids might. The hometown of Anne Rice inspired vampires everywhere is about to vanish from the face of the earth. That's fucking crazy. They're saying people should start leaving right now. Get the hell outta Dodge. We have a few decades, but why waste time?
So I'm sure you know what I'm wondering about. No, it's not about where people will go now to flash boobs for beads and vice versa. (That's the second thing I thought.) No, I'm wondering about . . .
There are some grand cemeteries down there. Are we going to abandon them to a watery grave? In particular, ARE WE GOING TO ABANDON NIC CAGE TO THE GULF OF MEXICO'S MERCILESS WATERS?!?!?!?!?!?!
Because in case you've forgotten, that's where he plans to be buried, under this very pyramid. Is he going to change his mind? Can he be talked out of being buried there?
He's a weird guy. Maybe he wants his body to be flooded forever. Maybe he's into it.
Which reminds me, I learned the other day that he was offered the role of Aragorn in Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings movies. After ensuring I wasn't on the Onion's website, I sat back, shocked. How could that have been allowed to almost happen? I love Cage. I also love LOTR. But the two of them together, especially like that, would have been a disaster. It would have utterly destroyed those films for me. I am eternally grateful for the family obligations that kept him from taking the role.
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"NIC CAGE: LOTR"
A Shit Poem by John Bruni
"The same blood flows in my veins. The same weakness."
"Let's hunt some Orc."
"You cannot give me this."
"My friends, you bow to no one."
But with mega-acting.
Could you imagine the faces he would make during the battle scenes?
I'll bet he'd do really well with the scene where he has to throw Gimli.
He'd go over the top at the Prancing Pony in Bree
more like Father Karras in the darkness in The Exorcist III.
What do you say we cut the chit-chat, a-hole.
and stick to drinking beer from your enemy's skull like a bowl.
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