GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #269: I WAS PART OF A NIELSEN FAMILY

I wasn't allowed to talk about it because they were afraid that if I mentioned I was part of a Nielsen ratings family, friends would want me to watch their shows to make sure they got renewed. So I kept my mouth shut.


Here's how it worked: I had to wear my meter wherever I went so that it could keep track of all media I consume, even if it's something as innocuous as the overhead music in a grocery store. That leads to my part of the ratings system, which led to whether a show, TV or radio, got renewed or canceled. It also determined how much money a network could charge for advertising. So I wore it everywhere. I can't tell you how many people asked me, "What, is that a pager?" As if I was a loser, or maybe they were looking for shit to make fun of me for. I told everyone no. When they asked what it really was, I told them, "It's a secret." So if you were one of the people who got that response from me, now you know the truth.


It's funny. If I had gotten this thing just a month earlier, I could have helped #SaveConstantine. Ah well. Here's something I noticed: while I wore the meter, all of my shows prospered. When I turned the meter in, my shows started getting axed left and right. What the fuck? Was my meter that important?! The bastards almost got GOTHAM, for fuck's sake. I'll bet it would have gotten canceled if it wasn't a Batman show. As it is, they're only renewed for a final half-season, anyway.


I didn't matter for very long, but for the brief period of time I had that meter, I MATTERED.