I remember when I was a kid, A New Hope was simply known as Star Wars. There were two movies at the time, and Return of the Jedi would soon become the second movie I would ever see in theaters. (The first is Star Trek III: The Search for Spock.) Being a Star Wars fan back then wasn’t very fun. I mean, the movies kicked all form of ass, but that was evident to a very small group of people. It’s hard to understand how small (but loyal) that group of fans was when Star Wars has become one of the most popular properties in history. I mean, everyone—EVERY FUCKING ONE—goes to the theater to see any new Star Wars film that comes out. It’s like crack. They can’t stay away. Even if they’ve come to hate Star Wars, they would never find it remotely imaginable to miss a single one of these things.
I remember loving Star Wars as a kid and catching all kinds of grief for it from my peers. I can’t tell you how many times I was called the other f-word simply for loving Star Wars. And most of the people who called me that name? They’re probably head over heels with Star Wars now.
I can’t tell you how many times I played Star Wars, whether it was a lightsaber fight on a bridge at the playground, or standing on a swing to simulate crossing the great chasm in the Death Star. I did it all. There were two beds in my bedroom when I first started living with my grandparents. I’m shocked I didn’t break my neck jumping from one to the other while trying to do a flip, emulating the skiff battle early in RotJ. I tried bending the Force to my will many times. I mean, I wasn’t stupid. I knew the Force wasn’t real, but at the same time, you never know until you try it.
When I still lived with my mom and stepdad I had a Luke Skywalker poster on my bedroom wall held in place by Smurfs tape. I had a ridiculous amount of Star Wars books including one where you could punch out the pieces of cardboard to fold them together into models.
I have two scars on my body because of Star Wars. One is hidden under the hair on my head, but the other is clear as day on my left forearm. Technically I was playing He-Man with my cousin, but instead of Grayskull’s sword I had a Return of the Jedi lightsaber. When I was about to turn into He-Man I thrust that lightsaber up, shouting, “I have the power!”
Right into a chandelier that came crashing down on me.
I would endlessly watch the original theatrical releases taped off of TV, so they had deleted scenes left in. I’d watch them over and over and over again. So yeah, I loved Star Wars when I was a kid.
Never in my life would I have imagined that we’d get more than the three original films. And the two Ewok movies. And the cartoons, Droids and Ewoks. OK, that’s a lot, but still. How could I have expected Star Wars to become the juggernaut that it is today?
It all started with Lucas releasing edited versions of the originals. I’d never seen A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back in theaters, so that was cool, but I preferred the originals.
And then came the prequels.
And boy, did they piss a lot of people off. Why? The Phantom Menace got the most heat, and to a degree I could understand it, but Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith? While I had my problems with them, I figured they were serviceable movies. Clones gave me two things I’d always wanted to see: a lightsaber war and Christopher Lee in a Star Wars movie. Those two things alone were worth the price of admission. And Anakin’s "last" stand against Obi-Wan is one of my favorite Star Wars moments ever. Obi-Wan, in a moment very unlike a Jedi, displays emotion almost out of control as he looks upon Anakin, this young man he raised from a child with the expectation that he would be the chosen one who brings the Jedi to the next level. And his heart has been ripped apart. He’s aghast that it’s come to this, that he must face and destroy his former padawan. It’s a real kick in the ass.
So I had some time on my hands lately. This thought popped up in my head a few years back when I was in the hospital and watched the prequels again. So a few weeks ago I watched them yet again in preparation for this, wanting to make sure I remembered them correctly. I did. Because what I really want to know is, why do so many people hate the Star Wars prequels?
Before we go any further, let’s just get IT out of the way. You know exactly what I’m talking about. There’s no easy way to go about it, so I’m just going to say it. Jar-Jar Binks. I remember hating him at the time. (Very un-Jedi of me, I know.) I turned a blind eye because it’s new Star Wars. I was grateful just to have anything new from George Lucas. But upon this most recent viewing I can’t help but notice that somehow Jar-Jar is even worse than I remembered. Holy fuck. I’m very forgiving when it comes to stuff like this, so the fact that I’m saying this should mean something. I can only imagine how others thought about him. If I’m a fallen Jedi, then everyone else in the theater with me must have turned into raging Sith lords. I wonder if people would have hated Phantom as much as they did if Jar-Jar was played any other way.
Oh yeah, and the pod-race. A lot of people hated that, too, and honestly I didn’t dig it all that much. But I remembered something most others didn’t. Star Wars is geared toward children, and children love that kind of thing. So I didn’t pay it much mind at the time or now.
I also remember seeing a complaint at the time that somehow, in the prequels, the technology is better than what we saw in the originals. I disagreed with this one because think about the state of that galaxy far, far away when we first saw it. The Republic died an ignoble death, and all the glitz and glamour were gone by the time we got there. Of course everything looks shiny and new in the prequels. During the Empire’s reign, everything has turned into shit. There’s sand everywhere. The Millennium Falcon is filthy. Only the Empire has the means to clean things up and make new things, and are they doing that? Nope. They’ve got Star Destroyers to aim at rebels. They’re busy.
But these are surface things. People really can’t hate surface things. Star Wars must have hurt them deep down in order to get this rage out of these “fans.” So why is that?
Perhaps one reason is the mystery of the Force and the Jedi. In Hope we only know one Jedi, Obi-Wan. Or Ben. He’s a hermit living in the desert, and we know next to nothing about him. He talks about how he used to be part of bigger things, and then he tells Luke that he knew his dad, who was killed by Vader. A lot of people give Obi-Wan grief for this because they thought he lied to the boy. I don’t think he did. OK, he was misleading, and what I’m about to say next is conjecture, but I’m pretty sure Obi-Wan thought it was of utmost importance for Luke to NOT know Vader is his father. I mean, shit, what happened when Luke accepted this truth? He got a crazy idea in his head to turn himself in to his father. The titular “new hope” of that first movie was essentially taking himself out of play, possibly forever. This is something that Obi-Wan absolutely would not have wanted. I think Yoda might have agreed with him.
But I’m getting away from the mystery. With each original movie we know more about the Jedi Knights, but we only get the lore. It’s kind of like being Matthew, Mark or, uh, well, Luke writing about the crucifixion years after it happened, having never actually been there. Only John was there. But we get the idea from the other three, yet at the same time we don’t get the truth, the reality. That’s how it is with the Jedi in those originals. But when we get the prequels? All mystery is stripped away. There is nothing to marvel at, nothing to wonder about. It’s no longer wearing clothes, and a sudden realization comes over us. The Jedi are kind of assholes. They weren’t the mystical philosopher warriors we took them to be. I mean, that’s there, but it’s nowhere near what we thought it was.
Such a revelation could seem like a betrayal of what you thought the story was. I don’t think of it that way, but I can see why others do. Given the truth or the legend, I will always want the truth. Almost everyone else is not that way.
Another reason for the hatred is Anakin Skywalker. We’re used to the badass (and mysterious, there it is again) Darth Vader. Most people don’t want to know how he got that way. All we know is he has a magical ability to fuck people up. He’s scary. He’s intimidating. Even his own men feared him. No one wanted their lack of faith to disturb him. He is, flat out, a monster.
Monsters don’t come out of nowhere. No one is born bad. So what were the set of circumstances that took Anakin and turned him into Vader? It’s an important question and very relevant to the real world.
But no one wanted to know the answer. To see a child Anakin clearly disappointed people. To see him growing into a petulant teenager probably did not help matters. But when you stop and think about it, this is clear evidence that Luke is his son. Both were incredibly petulant as children or young men. Vader went to the dark side, and Luke became an elder statesman of the Jedi, definitely not petulant.
Except that one time. You know what I mean. “THE SACRED TEXTS!”
How could this asshole kid turn into the badass Darth Vader that everyone loves and fears? We have our answer now, and a lot of people were disappointed with it. What did they expect, though? Was little Ani supposed to be a badass from jump street? Fuck no. That wouldn’t make sense.
An argument could be made that Anakin WAS born bad. There is a theory (that I subscribe to) that his virgin birth was orchestrated by Palpatine manipulating Midichlorians. Even so, he still had to be seduced to the Dark Side. As a child Anakin said, “The problem with the universe is that no one tries to help each other.” Truer words, li’l Ani. Truer words.
I’ll up the ante. When he was a teenager in Clones he said, “Sometimes we have to let go of our pride and do as we are requested.” We sure could have used someone like him during the recent plague years, when everyone was fucking concerned with themselves and themselves only. Here we have the future Star Wars villain saying these sorts of things. Of course that would turn people off.
Speaking of Midichlorians, that’s another sore point, I’m sure. When I was a kid anyone could use the Force. You just had to learn how. Now in the prequels you had to have these Midichlorians to use the Force, and the more you had, the more powerful you were. I think a lot of people misunderstood that explanation back then. I did, too. A more recent viewing helped me realize that everyone has Midichlorians. They could help you subconsciously realize things or react to attacks, but if you wanted to actively use the Force, you had to learn to use them.
Which leads me to another thing. That first trilogy was pulp action as you like it! Beginning to end with some philosophy thrown in. Or, if you want to go a little deeper into Joseph Campbell territory, it has all the power of ancient Greek and Roman myths. There is political intrigue, but it’s all overshadowed by blasters firing and lightsabers clashing.
The prequels are a different kind of Star Wars. The blasters and lightsabers, while still there, take a back seat to political intrigue. Because it’s not just the story of Anakin becoming Vader. It’s also the story of the Republic becoming the Empire. How does something with the best intentions turn into something built for putting boots on necks?
What better allegory for the history of the United States?
Yeah, I heard you groaning a little, but it’s true. Long before “fans” started bemoaning the state of comics and movies in regards to politicizing everything, Star Wars fans did the same thing to Star Wars. And the prequels were definitely aping what was happening with George W. Bush and his post-9/11 war on terrorism. I’m not going to go too much into this, but think about how “reluctant” Senator Palpatine was to accept new power every step of the way. Even as Chancellor Palpatine he had to wait until the Jedi “attacked” him, revealing him to be Darth Sidious, that he made the ultimate grab for power, naming himself the Emperor.
Do you remember who helped him more than anyone else? In case you don’t, I’ll say his name again. Jar-Jar. (Sorry.)
(It’s worth mentioning that Palpatine’s supposed refusal of power mirrors the very same thing Julius Caesar did. He turned down the throne three times before pretending to give in and accept the offer.)
Those reasons seem to explain it all to me enough, but let’s take another approach. When I was a kid, boys who liked Star Wars were either a Luke or a Han kind of person. (I can’t speak of girls because I didn’t really know many girls back then, and the few I did certainly didn’t like Star Wars. That’s just my experience. I’m sure there were plenty of girls who liked Star Wars. I’m just saying I didn’t know any of them.) I was a Luke kid. I think I grew up to become more of a Han Solo, but back then Luke was my favorite character not just from Star Wars but from anything. When I grew up, I wanted to be Luke Skywalker.
That’s the way a lot of boys were back then. And they grew up holding the lessons they learned from their respective heroes close to their hearts. One of the biggest things you learn from the prequels is that you really know nothing about what actually happened. You have these stories of the past, and you think you know all about it. And then it turns out you didn’t know shit about shit.
It’s like growing up and finding out that everything your parents taught you was wrong. Or maybe discovering that the sky isn’t blue. It’s every color except for blue. You see it as blue because it’s the only color the sky reflects back to your eyes.
The prequels show that everything you thought you knew was wrong, and that’s a hell of a betrayal. But that’s life. Columbus didn’t discover America. How could he when there were hundreds of thousands of people already living there? Columbus didn’t even set foot on the mainland of America. The closest he came was the Caribbean, and while he was there, he was a real asshole. Slavery is just the tip of the iceberg. No wonder many Italian-Americans get pissy when someone shit-talks Columbus.
But teaching kids that Columbus was a hero who discovered America? That’s pretty simple and easy to stick into people’s heads.
Yeah, I know, I can hear you telling me this piece getting away from me. Maybe it is, a little. But I’m talking about this shit to prove a point. When you find out something that was fundamental to your childhood turns out to not be quite as true as you thought? That’s the kind of betrayal that gets deep inside you.
And THAT’s why Star Wars fans now hate Star Wars except for the Holy Trilogy.
Now I’m going to mention a few reasons why you should like the prequels. First and foremost is Qui-Gon. How often have we seen Jedi let their emotions control them? Get frustrated? Angry? Even a little hateful? Qui-Gon suffers from none of these things. He is the perfect Jedi. Look no further than his fight with Darth Maul. I’m thinking mostly of the scene where he’s chasing Maul, and they keep getting separated by the force fields. Maul paces back and forth like an animal, eager and impatient for the fight that is to come. What does Qui-Gon do? He stops. He meditates. He patiently waits. All the things a good Jedi is supposed to do.
Plus, that lightsaber fight is fucking awesome.
Christopher Lee as Count Dooku is top shelf. I love seeing him in everything he does. He absolutely kills it in Clones, and his brief time in Sith is very memorable, especially when Anakin cuts his arms off in one fell swoop. The look on his face is priceless. And then, when Palpatine tells Anakin to kill him, Dooku finally looks, well, I guess unsettled is a bit of a weak word for it, but it seems right.
That lightsaber war from above. Watching all those flashing laser swords was awesome. To see the Jedi in personal battle was a sight to behold, especially while in Dooku’s gladiator pit.
The stuff with Jango Fett is neat until he meets his demise so easily, but it was worth it to see li’l Boba Fett holding his dad’s helmet, presumably with his head still in it.
I’ve mentioned it before, but the fight between Obi-Wan and Anakin really is the greatest lightsaber fight in the entire series. It’s also the inverse of the fight between Vader and Luke at the end of Jedi. Obi-Wan is clearly Anakin’s father figure. Of all the Jedi, Obi-Wan was the only one he didn’t want to kill. Not at first, anyway. Maybe because at the end of it all, he felt that his own childhood had been betrayed by his father figure. “I hate you!” he screams as the lava consumes him alive.
There’s a lot of that going around.
I’m not here to talk about the sequel trilogy, but I might as well mention a few things while I have your attention. One is decent. One is fucking great and is my third favorite Star Wars movie ever. And one is hands down the worst Star Wars movie ever.
I generally liked The Force Awakens. It would have been nice if it didn’t lean so heavily on a new Death Star. (OK, fine, it’s a Super Death Star. Whatever.) I ask for precious little in the world, and all I want, going forward, are Star Wars movies that don’t feature something that could be called a Death Star. And I really, really don’t want another movie featuring . . . I’ll get to that in a moment.
I really liked seeing how much Han Solo grew as an older man. He’ll always be a scruffy looking nerf-herder, but he really changed a lot since we first met him. He’s a lot more humble. He knows more about the galaxy. Remember how he thought the Force was mumbo jumbo? And now he knows “it’s true, all of it.” And that final moment with Ben Solo on the definitely-not-approved-by-OSHA bridge, when he’s trying to save his son like Luke saved his father, and Han gets a lightsaber through his chest for his troubles, is amazing. When he lifts his hand up to his son’s cheek in a loving, understanding and forgiving way brought tears to my eyes the first time I saw it. The Han we first met decades ago wouldn’t have been capable of that.
The Last Jedi is one of the best Star Wars movies ever. Luke has changed, too, and his self exile says it all. I love when Rey hands him his old lightsaber, and he irreverently tosses it over his shoulder. Or when he says what did you expect, me to ride to the rescue with my laser sword? Which was exactly what everyone expected. And when he tickles Rey’s face with the leaf saying, “You feel that? It’s the Force!” Because he knows how much of a fool he’s been, especially when he failed Ben, thus turning his nephew to the Dark Side.
I loved Last Jedi’s answers to fan questions. Who are Rey’s real parents? Who fucking cares? Who is Snoke? He’s dead now, so it doesn’t matter. You’re focusing on the wrong questions, young padawan.
The moment Luke faces Ben down is one of the greatest Star Wars moments ever especially because Luke isn’t actually there. And when he passes away under the light of two suns? It’s the perfect ending to his story.
I fucking hate that The Rise of Skywalker walked back everything that made Last Jedi great. Whoops! Uh, yeah! Snoke is fabricated in a tank. See? Here are all the faulty models! And Rey’s grandfather is Palpatine! Yeah, that’s the ticket! That Palpatine fucks is pretty scary on its own.
And by the way, surprise! Palpatine is back! He’s been alive this whole time! Fuck that shit. It renders episodes one through six pointless. Darth Vader sacrificed himself to kill the Emperor. That’s why Jedi’s ending is so powerful.
So can we please, please, PLEASE keep Palpatine dead and out of all future Star Wars movies? Please? Because I know somewhere out there someone remembers the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis, and while it was never confirmed in the films, it’s pretty obvious that Palpatine was his apprentice and he learned how to survive death forever and ever. Let’s skip that shit in the future, shall we?
All right. I think I’ve talked your ear off about Star Wars enough. I don’t know, folks. It’s like I actually like Star Wars. To borrow slightly from Cary Elwes’s Robin Hood, “Unlike other Star Wars fans, I actually like Star Wars.” Go figure.
One more thing. It’s just something I like to think about sometimes. Recall all those beautiful moments between Anakin and Padme in Clones and Sith. Do you think Darth Vader remembers those times fondly? Does he ever look in a mirror and miss his youth when he was in love and everything was right in the world? I suspect he does, but he hates the sensation. I didn’t notice this when I first saw Rogue One (my second favorite Star Wars movie), but Vader set up his home on the same lava planet where he nearly burned to death. I joked at the time that it was good to see that he lives in Mordor, but now that I know the truth, I can only think of one reason he chose to do this. Well, two. The other being, hey, at least there’s no sand here. But the primary reason, I think, is because he needs this place to remind him of who he is now, to help eradicate thoughts of who he used to be.
There does seem to be evidence that he missed Threepio. There’s a fan theory that says the reason he stopped Chewie from getting shot in Empire is because he had Threepio on his back, and Vader didn’t want the blast to pass through the Wookie and into the Droid; he didn’t want his creation to be destroyed. So maybe he does get nostalgic like the rest of us.
I’m sure the fans would find such a thought to be disgusting and a further violation of who they thought Darth Vader was, but who cares?
