OK, I'm pretty sure this is the most horrible thought I've ever had. Number one with a bullet. Some background first.
Remember when I was busting my ass, saving every cent I could to get the third and final issue of Tabard Inn published? I often had the Sobriety Clock going because I had to do without precious alcohol in the name of fiction. I remember when I was down to my very last dollar, and I asked you all for help with something. I needed to cast a spell on the world, and I'd heard Grant Morrison had done something similar. I was desperate. I had to try it.
So I named a date. I named a time. I named a task: we must all masturbate on a dollar bill and cum at the very same time. That would clearly convince the universe to send money my way. I would find out for sure when, after I'd spent my seed on that dollar bill, I used it to to buy a scratcher from 7-Eleven. And I think some of you might have actually done as I asked because I won enough money on that scratcher to get a couple of airplane bottles of booze.
Regardless, I was thinking about this last night, and it infected me. It's probably extraordinarily illegal (writing on money is surprisingly illegal; could you imagine what the government would think of cumming on money?), but what if we just started to cum on money? Not small bills like ones or fives, but on bigger bills. Hundreds. Bills likely to get into the hands of the more affluent. What more horrifying way to disgust the world than to cum on every single hundred dollar bill that comes into your possession and then unleash it into the world?
Yes, I know that's a horrible thought. That's why it says so in the title of this GF column. I'm not actually going to do it. But what if hundreds of us did? Or thousands? Or, dare I say it, millions? What if every hundred dollar bill in the world came with a cum load on it? In some cases, it could actually be deadly. I don't know what the life of the AIDS virus is after it leaves the body, but it can't be measured by seconds, can it?
I originally called this Welcome to Cum City, but I changed it to Cum World because, well, how often do hundred dollar bills travel on their own? Surely the load can transfer to adjacent bills. One cum sodden bill can suddenly become three. Or seven. Or nine. It could go up exponentially like when people use a plague simulator to see how fast, say, the zombie apocalypse could spread.
Everyone wants money. Even though it's technically only worth something because we say it is, people would much prefer cash in hand. It feels secure. So cum bucks could spread across the country--nay, the world--pretty quickly.
Every time someone asks why I think I'm a horrible person, I think of things like this. Don't worry. If I owe you money, I'm much more likely to Paypal you.
Probably.
I warned you this one would be gross.
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