COOL SHIT 4-3-14

CROSSED: BADLANDS #51: To be honest, I’m not a big fan of the patient zero story of this series. I much prefer not knowing how the plague started. Yet, it IS written by Garth Ennis, and it’s winning me over. It’s so strange to see the Crossed running around without the cross and still remaining somewhat lucid in their rape-y violence. It’s also becoming very apparent that the whole thing will be kicked off by some fuck-up from a bureaucrat, which titillates me to no end.

G.I. JOE SPECIAL MISSIONS #13: I’m practically checked out of IDW’s G.I. Joe books, ever since they ended THE COBRA FILES. Still, this issue features a guest appearance from Putin hisownfuckingself. I’m waiting for the day the real Putin kicks the shit out of a reporter on live TV. He’s probably too cold for something like that, but he does have a pumped up masculine image of himself, so . . .

CALIBAN #1: A double dose of Ennis! This one’s weird because Avatar doesn’t often do SF (hey, it’s been a while since they regularly published STARGATE SG-1), and neither does Ennis. Here we have an interesting concept: what happens when two spaceships, both in their own subspace, cross paths. It doesn’t turn out well for the crew of the Caliban, in particular the poor bastard pictured above. It’s going to be interesting to see where the story goes from here.

TRILLIUM #8: Did I miss a memo or something? I could have sworn this was a regular monthly series, and here we are at the last issue. I did some poking around, and it would seem that it was always meant to be eight issues, but I have my suspicions that it wasn’t. If it was canceled, shame on Vertigo. This is one of the best books they have going right now. Still, it came to an amazing, mind-bending ending. The last few pages contain some of the best work I’ve seen from Jeff Lemire. All told, this couldn’t have been a more perfect ending. I’m very satisfied. I’m going to miss this book.

C2E2 2013 PANELS: AVATAR PRESS

Big surprise:  the trend continues, and Avatar Press panels remain very small affairs.  There couldn’t have been more than 20 people in the room, including me.  Here’s the big disappointment:  Mike Wolfer couldn’t make it.  He was too busy working on Max Brooks’s new book, EXTINCTION PARADE.

That left us with one of Avatar’s executives, Jim Kuhoric, the creative director.  That’s right, a one-man panel.  Remember my first year, when they had Wolfer, Jacen Burrows, Brian Pulido, and William Christensen?  How awesome was that?  And now we just get Kuhoric?

Let me be clear, I liked the guy.  He was very nice.  But he tended to be a bit monotone, unless someone asked him a question which amused him.  Not a good way to get across your plans for the next year.

Regardless of his delivery, he did bring us lots and lots of news.  Oh yeah, I mentioned that Max Brooks has a new book with them, right?  EXTINCTION PARADE, which is going to be out on June 19, a day before the WORLD WAR Z movie is released.  Its Brooks’s take on zombies vs. vampires, but it’s not as cheap as it sounds.  He’s working with a lot of social commentary, according to Kuhoric, so it should be pretty interesting.  It’s based on a short story Brooks wrote, and it’s going to be 11 issues long.

Kuhoric talked about UBER from Kieron Gillen.  For those who don’t know, it’s about what would happen if Germany came up with actual supermen before the end of the war, and how that changes the outcome.  Kuhoric says that it doesn’t just automatically show Germany winning the war, but just how that CHANGES the war and the nature of reality.  Personally, I didn’t care for UBER, but we’ll see where it goes.

Speaking of Gillen, he’s also got another book coming out from Avatar called THE HEAT, but Kuhoric didn’t talk much about it.

Remember when Avatar worked with George R.R. Martin a while ago?  Well, he’s got a new book coming out from them called SKIN TRADE, based on the novella he wrote a while ago.  Many of you probably don’t remember, but it was published in NIGHT VISIONS 5, otherwise known as THE SKIN TRADE with short stories by Stephen King and Dan Simmons, as well.  It’s an amazing volume, even though I’m of the opinion that Martin’s piece is the weakest of the bunch.  Kuhoric also suggested that Martin might cover superheroes after this one.

Finally!  Two years ago, they announced a follow up to Christos Gage’s ABSOLUTION, which would be called ABSOLUTION:  RUBICON.  Well, that kind of dropped off the face of the earth.  Good news!  It’s coming soon!  And in one throwaway remark, Kuhoric mentioned something about Gage working on CROSSED, so it would seem that he’s the next writer on the BADLANDS series.

Looking for more Alan Moore news?  It looks like he’s teamed up with Jacen Burrows on another Lovecraft project, this one called PROVIDENCE.  It’s being advertised as a follow-up to NEONOMICON.

Here is a bit of unexpected news:  Boundless, the imprint Avatar publishes LADY DEATH and WAR GODDESS under, has been put on hiatus.  I suppose it’s not performing as well as they’d like, and they’re reevaluating everything.  It will return soon with new LADY DEATH and a few other titles that Kuhoric couldn’t discuss at this time.

They also announced that they would soon have issues available from Comixology, if that’s your thing.

And then there’s CROSSED, but you already know about the webisodes coming soon from Garth Ennis, and the new webcomic, not to mention the one they actually have going on right now.  Actually, this segment turned into Garth Ennis news, rather than CROSSED news.  He’ll have a new SF book coming out from them soon that is supposed to be ALIEN-ish.  There’s also a war story, which I suspect is the submarine story he mentioned at a Dynamite panel two years ago.  And there’s another book, too, something that is along the lines of Evan Dorkin’s BEASTS OF BURDEN.  I don’t know if I like the sounds of that last one, but he handled the talking rabbit in THE CHRONICLES OF WORMWOOD pretty well, so . . . .

By this point, we’d reached the Q&A session, and most of the questions were about how people could submit work to Avatar.  But there were some interesting questions.  One person asked about the two incomplete Warren Ellis series.  Kuhoric jokingly said that Ellis still owes them scripts, but they would really like to continue working with him.  Someone else asked him if they ever received hate mail due to the extreme nature of their work.  They very rarely get such correspondence, and Kuhoric thinks it’s mainly because people who pick up an Avatar book know what they’re going to get.

And then there were my questions.  I asked him who he would want to work on CROSSED, if he had the choice.  He said there were a few writers and artists he couldn’t talk about at this point, but he’d really like to see what Tim Seeley would do on the book.  I also mentioned that the most extreme thing I’d ever seen outside of Avatar was Howard Chaykin’s work on his BLACK KISS titles.  Since BLACK KISS 2 came out late last year, I asked if Avatar tried to get the title.  They did.  They would love to work with Chaykin, considering how Harlan Ellison-esque he is.  The man speaks his mind without fear, which means he’d be a perfect fit for Avatar.

Then I asked if there was anything Avatar wouldn’t put in their books.  He didn’t think so.  They’d never turned down something in the past for being too extreme.  This led to a question about the CROSSED videogame I’d heard about two years ago.  Yes, they still wanted to do it, but there is nothing going on in regards to it at this time.  Kuhoric thinks videogame companies are afraid of something like this, and fair enough.  If there was an outcry over GRAND THEFT AUTO 3, CROSSED might crack the world in two.  At one point, Kuhoric glanced around the room, looking for children.  When he found none, he said, “What would the weapons be for a game like that?  Would you be able to kill people with a horse cock?”

Yes.  Once again, horse cock has been mentioned at an Avatar panel, and I couldn’t be happier.

Which reminds me, you better fucking believe that I asked about the new DICKS books.  Finally, it can be said:  DICKS 3 is happening.  A few issues are even finished, but at this time, it’s not on the schedule.

And that’s it.  So yeah, we have a lot to look forward to from Avatar Press.  If you’re not onboard with them yet, what the fuck are you doing reading this?  Get on CROSSED, CALIGULA, DICKS, FERALS, DAN THE UNHARMABLE, and everything else that they publish.  Do so immediately.  They’re doing some of the best work in the industry at this time.

P.S.  Every time I see William Christensen, I try to get an interview with him.  Sadly, he was not there this year.  Not that I expected to finally score the interview, but I would have liked to at least try.  The guy has an amazing eye for talent, and something tells me his sensibilities run in the exact same direction as mine.  I think such an interview would have been a showstopper.

COOL SHIT 1-17-13

G.I. JOE #21:  In today’s issue of G.I. JOE, the role of Hawk will be played by Bruce Willis.  Seriously, this one could have been an ‘Eighties action movie.  Hawk has retired and is living out in the woods when he is suddenly beset by the forces of Cobra, intent on kidnapping him and extracting intelligence from him.  They don’t count on him remembering his training, and they certainly didn’t expect him to be living with Timber, Snake-Eyes’s wolf.  One man against a team of terrorists?  Yeah, that’s some John McClane shit right there.  Oh yeah, and apparently Cobra has iPads with the Cobra insignia on it instead of the usual Apple.  That definitely makes sense.  The only problem is, the cover shows Flint, not Hawk.  Or maybe it’s the movie version of Hawk as portrayed by Dennis Quaid, but that makes no sense, as the worlds aren’t connected.  Am I nitpicking here?  Yeah.  Fuck it.  On to the next one . . . .

STITCHED #11:  Let’s face it, when Garth Ennis stopped writing this book and Mike Wolfer took over, things haven’t been going so well.  Not that Wolfer is a bad writer (although he is a much better artist than he is a writer), but he just didn’t have the same quality as Ennis did.  However, in this issue, we finally find out what caused the Stitched to exist, and it’s a pretty interesting tale.  Hint:  ancient, black devil cum is responsible in some way.  That’s definitely something Ennis would have done.  Hats off, Mr. Wolfer.

CROSSED:  BADLANDS #21:  Speaking of books Ennis used to write . . . .  Unlike Wolfer, David Lapham is an intense motherfucker and constantly tries to one-up Ennis.  Sometimes he succeeds.  This is one of those instances.  Remember Amanda from the “Psychopath” storyline?  The one with Lorre?  Well, she’s back, and it seems that her encounter with Lorre messed her the fuck up.  She’s batshit crazy now, seeing Lorre in every stranger she meets.  And yes, she’s willing to kill all of the suspected Lorres in the world.  Now she might have gone completely off the deep end, though, especially now that Danger Montana is in her life.  He looks suspiciously of a guy who is very familiar with lost arks, temples of doom, last crusades, and crystal skulls.  In fact, he claims that those movies are based on his life.  Even stranger than that is the company he keeps.  In my opinion, there’s no way that this is actually happening.  Amanda is probably already dead, and this is a goofy afterlife or something.  Then again, Lapham is a rabid beast.  He could do anything, so I’m definitely along on this ride.

AND NOW FOR A SPECIAL EDITION OF . . .

SHIT SHIT

Remember a while ago when I brought you news of IDW’s newest bullshit crossover?  And you all called me crazy, that it had to be a hoax, that no one would ever go ahead with such an awful idea?  Behold!  IDW has revealed the proof!  This month will be consumed by their MARS ATTACKS crossover!  Now, MARS ATTACKS is pretty cool, but the other series they’re going to cross it over with?  Uh . . . it’s so bad, it’s sickening.

Shit, I know I’m kind of late with this one.  It just slipped under my radar.  Apparently, three of these books are already out.  First up:  Popeye.  Yes, Popeye.  The guy with the giant forearms and the spinach habit.  Second up?  KISS.  Yeah, no kidding.  The aliens actually go up against fucking KISS.  This week, it was Ghostbusters, but that was just to be expected.  The one that’s going to hurt the most for me is next week’s, which involves the Transformers.  The final one is supposed to be something called Zombies vs. Robots, so I don’t really give much of a fuck.  As if this wasn’t bad enough, they have incentive covers for comic shops.  Though they’re not really actual storylines, the fact that someone thought this shit up disgusts me.  One of them features Opus, from Bloom County.  Or Outland, if you’re too young to remember that.  Or how about a Judge Dredd crossover?  Maybe you’d like to try out Chew and Madman, or how about Spike, from the Buffy universe?  Or . . . fuck it.  I can’t go on.

I told you so.  That’s all I’m trying to say.

COOL SHIT 2-9-12

FERALS #2: David Lapham runs rampant once again with his new werewolf book for Avatar. As with last issue, there isn’t really anything remarkable about it, except for a stunning amount of gore. To be expected from a guy whose credits include CROSSED and CALIGULA. The only new development is that our protagonist, Walnutt, is apparently the suspect of the gruesome mutilations, as his semen was found in two of the victims (not surprising, since he’d fucked them both in the recent past), and due to the werewolf attack at the conclusion of last issue, he, too, is one of the Garou. Since he’s sworn to destroy the original monster, it’s pretty obvious where this is going. Considering Lapham’s ruthlessness, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

DICKS #1: YES! YES! YES! DICKS is back! Well, kind of. Avatar is reprinting all of the previous issues before they get to new DICKS about a year or so down the line. In fact, this is the second time they’ve reprinted this issue, except this time it’s in COLOR. Somehow, this makes it even more obscene than usual. And the best part: they reprinted the extras from BIGGER DICKS #1! (In case you don’t know, DICKS was originally put out by Caliber. Avatar bought the rights and reprinted all four issues with extra stuff, hence the title, BIGGER DICKS.) Trio the Fucking Whore is back, as well as Mick O’Lobb and Buddy Wizer, to say nothing of the Wanker’s History of Wanking. Seriously, if you’ve never heard of DICKS, this is your chance to get in on the ground floor. (Well, technically it’s not the ground-ground floor. That would be TROUBLED SOULS and FOR A FEW TROUBLES MORE, the books that got Garth Ennis and John McCrea started. Dougie and Ivor were minor characters in the former, and the latter was pretty much a cleaner version of the first DICKS storyline. But you’ll never find those books, and they’ll probably never be reprinted. Besides, you don’t need to have read them to enjoy this.) Do not hesitate. Get down to your local comic book store and get a copy. Get the offensive cover before they’re all gone. You’ll suck my dick to thank me later.

THE AVATAR PANEL AT C2E2 2011

Well, this year they had a bigger room, but there still weren’t enough people in there. William Christiansen and Jacen Burrows presided over the panel this time around. Mike Wolfer was supposed to be there, too, but he’d lost his voice and was not able to attend.

The first bit of news was the release of the first issue of CALIGULA (I will have a review of this up before this C2E2 orgasm is done). David Lapham is “thrilling,” according to Christiansen, so he will be working for Avatar for quite a while. Garth Ennis loves his CROSSED stuff, which is a hell of a good sign.

Ah, CROSSED. It has been, according to Christiansen, an “insane success for us.” This has undoubtedly led to CROSSED going monthly! That’s right, when the “Psychopath” story arc is done, the monthly will begin with a new CROSSED tale from Ennis and Burrows. After that . . . JAMIE DELANO TAKES OVER! That’s right, the original HELLBLAZER writer will be taking the reins!


Also, Christiansen’s “personal albatross,” the CROSSED 3-D book is done except for the 3-D effects themselves. This has been going on for a long time, but he swears that it will be out soon, and “I’m not lying this time.”

I asked him about where the CROSSED movie stands, and he says that while Kevin Spacey’s production company still has it under option, he doesn’t think it will happen. I also asked him that if they still planned to have the horsecock character in it, and Burrows said that he saw the screenplay. The character is still there, but modified. Still, he doesn’t think Horsecock will disappoint hardcore fans. At this point, Christiansen joked about giving Horsecock a spin-off series. “You know I’d do it!” All things considered, he probably would, and I’d probably buy it.

On to Boundless news. Someone asked why they’d launched Boundless, and Christiansen said it was because Lady Death didn’t seem to fit with their other titles, so why not start a sister company? The next title, coming soon, is WAR GODDESS, written by Mike Wolfer. It will be kind of like the classic ‘Nineties bad girl books, but slightly less ridiculous. Pandora, Widow, Hellina, and the rest will be in the book (in fact, War Goddess herself is Pandora), but they don’t want to flood out their fan base. They want to keep Boundless small. “Slow and steady wins the race,” Christiansen said. There will be no silly, forced cross-overs, not like with, say, the JLA for example.


Someone said they had a question about Warren Ellis’ books. “No, you don’t,” Christiansen said, as if he knew what was coming. Sure enough, he was right. The audience member wanted to know what the deal was with Ellis’ late books, like DOCTOR SLEEPLESS. A fair question, and something I’d like to know, as well. What’s the hold up? “I have no fucking idea,” Christiansen said. The covers are done, but he simply doesn’t have scripts from Ellis. “He just never fuckin’ wrote ‘em.” There is a bunch of other new Ellis stuff waiting in the wings, but Christiansen says he wants to finish up old business before bringing out anything new.

Speaking of Ellis, there is a new GRAVEL project! Sadly, Ellis won’t have a hand in it, but writing duties will be taken over by Mike Wolfer, who was with the book since the very beginning. (Hm. It seems like Wolfer is writing just about everything for them these days . . . .) This new monthly will be more about the combat magician side of Gravel. There will be a lot of kick-ass military stuff, and 18 issues have already been plotted out. Christiansen also said that Legendary still had the series under option. We’ll see if that movie ever happens . . . .


Did I mention that they have a new LIVING DEAD series coming out? DEATH VALLEY #1 is already on the market. It’s the only license they seem to have held on to. (Remember when they had the rights to Freddy, Jason, and Leatherface? Or how about STARGATE SG-1?)


Christiansen also said that they’d be putting out more webcomics, like FREAKANGELS, in the future. He didn’t clarify, but he said that either “I’m retarded or a genius.” There can’t be a lot of money in it, but it certainly gets a lot of attention. I’m sure the FREAKANGELS merch goes pretty quickly, too.

The NEONOMICON trade will be released later this year. Burrows listened to a lot of Lovecraft stories on CD while working on this one. Alan Moore, who is notoriously difficult to please, is very happy with the artwork. Even though he’s very strict with his scripts, he let Burrows play fast and loose with the Deep One. They also confessed that this sequel was never planned, that when they did THE COURTYARD, they never considered returning to this world.


THE CHRONICLES OF WORMWOOD #6 is almost here . . . AND IT’S SUPER-SIZED! Not much else was said about this one, but it was enough to give me a woody.


Lastly, someone asked about variant covers. Avatar is well-known for having an insane amount of variants, but without them, Avatar wouldn’t be here. Christiansen said that the collectors are the ones who really keep them in business. It’s surprising how much of a difference they make. Burrows added that, as an artist, one can do a lot more with a variant cover that one usually couldn’t get away with on a straight-forward cover. Good to know. I’d been wondering about this, too.


To conclude, Christiansen said that they’re doing well, it’s just that they need to overcome a lot of lateness problems. Too true. But in this market, better late than never. You know I’ll be out there buying ‘em.

DYNAMITE PANEL AT C2E2

It was horrible! There were only three panels I was interested in going to this year at C2E2, and they were all happening at the same fucking time! Avatar, Vertigo, and Dynamite were all taking place at around the same time (Avatar 1-2, Vertigo and Dynamite 1:30-2:30). Sophie didn’t have this difficult a choice.



In the end, I decided that Avatar deserved my attention most (as they put out the best books). When this panel was done, I’d see if I could make it into Dynamite (since I covered Vertigo last year). As it turns out, Avatar ended early, and I made it to Dynamite just after they made the introductions. So I didn’t know who was who . . . EXCEPT FOR GARTH ENNIS! Yes, my favorite comics writer was sitting front and center, surrounded by other folks who I didn’t know. (Although I noticed one of them was wearing a Chaos shirt; more on that later.)


They decided to do a Q&A for the whole time. When they first asked for questions, no one rose to the occasion . . . except for me. You see, of all Ennis’ Section Eight characters from HITMAN are dead but for one. Bueno Excellente, who fights evil with the power of perversion (i.e. he rapes the bad guys) is still roaming the DC Universe. I asked Ennis if he ever wanted to do a Bueno spin-off. He told me that he’d love to revisit Section Eight, but for now there are no plans.


Remember last year, when I asked him about the possibility of bringing DICKS back? Great news: DICKS 3 IS IN THE WORKS! To quote a great man, “I have an erection.”

John McCrea, who illustrated DICKS (among others, including HITMAN), was a latecomer, and his fellow panelists seemed to give him shit. It is clear that he is the hard-drinking member of this crew. The way they talked about him made it seem like he was always drunk and he worshiped the devil on a regular basis.


Someone asked a question about Kevin Smith working on THE BIONIC MAN for Dynamite. No one could comment on it, so I’m just going to assume it’s happening. Not that I give a shit. I find THE BIONIC MAN just about as interesting as clipping my nails. Considering Smith’s recent run on THE GREEN HORNET, I would stay away from more licensed stuff. Not that GH was bad, but Smith is capable of doing much more entertaining things.


Speaking of GH, Joe Rybandt, the moderator for the panel, admitted that they saturated the market with GH titles (and how!). They consider it a mistake and don’t plan on doing anything like that again. We’ll see.


Did you know that Dynamite acquired the rights to VOLTRON? Why? Who knows? Who cares? What’s next, SECTAURS? CENTURIONS? Will we ever reach a point where we’re done with the ‘Eighties?


Speaking of licensed crap, ARMY OF DARKNESS is making a comeback. There’s a crossover with Danger Girl coming soon, and then the AoD monthly will return. Which is a shame, considering how awful those books were. Don’t believe me? Remember the time that Ash saved Obama? That’s what I thought.

In other news, one of the audience members asked when we’ll be getting VAMPIRELLA out of her pants and back into her traditional outfit. Rybandt said that they did that because they didn’t want people to think of her as a T&A character, and that the only place we’ll see her in the little red number is on the covers. I hate to break it to you, but VAMPIRELLA is a T&A title. Do you think people read the book for the story? And the fact that she’s still on the covers like that says something, don’t you think?


Dynamite’s big announcement was their acquisition of all the Chaos characters (except for LADY DEATH, obviously). The guy with the Chaos shirt, Jesse Blaze Snider, is apparently the new writer of EVIL ERNIE. They plan to bring a new character back every four to six months.

I am a hardcore EE fan. This is the book that got me back into reading comics, along with HITMAN and PREACHER. I am a one time Fiend of the Month. And I know, some of you are pointing out that EE creator Brian Pulido is my friend, but I’d like to say that our friendship came from my love of Ernie, not the other way around. So I can see why you’d think what I’m about to say is biased, but keep in mind that I became Fiend of the Month that one time because I wrote an 8-page heavy criticism of where EE was going wrong.

These Dynamite fucks didn’t treat Ernie with ANY respect. While Snider went to lengths to prove that he’s a Chaos fan (he says he used to wear his shirt back in his CBGB days, and it makes sense, considering that his father is Dee Snider, who promoted a lot of STRANGELAND stuff with Pulido during the Chaos years), he completely shit all over the old books, saying that there wasn’t a lot of story to them. “They were good for what they were,” he said, but there wasn’t much in the direction of plot.


Bullshit. Fuck you. But I’ll bite. What’s your idea of story?

Well, they recognize that LADY DEATH was the lynchpin of the old Chaos Universe, but since Pulido held on to the rights and is publishing it with Avatar, Dynamite needs someone else to hold everything together. Evil Ernie is that fellow. The idea is to depict the battle between Heaven and Hell on earth (yeah, that’s a new idea). The reason good people die young is because Heaven needs them for their army. To keep up with the competition, Hell has sent Evil Ernie to earth to kill a whole bunch of baddies while they’re young for Hell’s army.

Wait, so Ernie is a glorified hitman for Hell? That’s the best you got? Where does the story come in? Snider's reason to tell this story was to give Ernie a reason to kill all of those people. Did he not read the original books? Ernie had plenty of reason to kill everyone in sight. Maybe at first he did so under Lady Death’s sway, but after a while, it was clear that this was definitely in his heart.

I’m sorry, but this pissed me off. In fact, the whole panel kind of tasted sour to me. They tried to glorify a lot of their books, and it’s just not true. Almost everything they put out is crap. If they hadn’t had the balls to pick up THE BOYS after it had been canceled by Wildstorm, I would have no respect for them.

Ah, THE BOYS. The main reason I wanted to go to the panel. Here’s a bunch of Ennis news for you all:


--Ennis will be doing two war stories for Avatar. If they are as awesome as BATTLEFIELDS has been, this should be mind-blowing.


--Someone asked Ennis if he was done writing about Ireland’s Troubles. He said that they’ve been over for 15 years, and he’d been living in New York for so long that he views the weird aftermath as an outsider. But he doesn’t discount the possibility of him returning to the topic.

--Ennis will be returning to CROSSED when the monthly begins (more on that when I talk about the Avatar panel).


--Ennis will also be returning to Marvel with a NICK FURY Max series.

--JENNIFER BLOOD will be handed off to a new writer with issue seven. Disappointing, but nothing new, considering Ennis’ approach to CROSSED.


--In July, we will get the first issue of THE BOYS mini-series on Butcher, illustrated by Darick Robertson. Ennis says that he is prouder of writing this book than any other.


--THE BOYS movie news: Adam McKay is attached to direct. Rybandt says that he heard McKay being interviewed about this, and it seems like he knows what he’s getting into, that he understands THE BOYS and wasn’t just looking for some "flavor of the month" to get his hands on. Ennis also said that he saw a version of the script that was rated PG-13, which was kind of startling. No worries; he says that McKay will be going for a solid R. Butcher probably won’t get to say “cunt” as much as he might want to, but it sounds like they know what they’re doing.

And that was it. They went around the table to tell everyone where each of them would be and when (for signings), and they shut the panel down. Rybandt said there would be a bunch of free books at the back, so we could grab ‘em on our way out, but most everyone rushed Ennis to get him to sign their stuff.

“THIS IS NOT AN IMPROMPTU SIGNING!” Rybandt yelled, and most people scattered. Ennis tried to be gracious and signed a few things, but it was clear that he had a tight schedule and couldn’t stick around.

I approached Rybandt because I had a question I wasn’t sure would be appropriate for the Q&A: “I noticed that Dynamite doesn’t have a presence on the convention floor. Why is that?”

Rybandt shrugged. “We just don’t do conventions.” A weird attitude to have for the event that is shaping up to be the biggest comic convention in the world, second only to San Diego.

I asked where Ennis was signing (because he didn’t say when it was his turn), and Rybandt said, “I don’t know. Look it up in the book.”


I searched the book and found nothing. I eventually had to go to an information kiosk to find out that it was a VIP signing, and you had to pay nearly $200 for a pass. I’m a huge Ennis fan, but no thanks.


As I was packing up, getting ready to go, Rybandt and Ennis breezed past me with frantic, rushed looks on their faces. Rybandt apologized for the people who wanted Ennis to sign things, and Ennis seemed to take it in stride. But he also thanked Rybandt for being very clear with the fans.


I also picked up a free comic book.  It didn't look like much, and when I got around to reading it, I'm sorry to say that it blew so much I didn't even want to review it.  The title will remain nameless, as I don't even want to think about it right now.


I finished grabbing my shit, intent on getting down to the Hero Initiative (so I could get McCrea to sign a few things), but I had to take a piss. I went straight to the bathroom and picked a stall.


I got a weird feeling and glanced to my side, to the person who was standing next to me. It was Garth Ennis. Distantly, I wondered if now would be a good time to ask for an interview.


But I kept my mouth shut. The red zone is for loading and unloading only. I zipped up and went to the sink. As I washed my hands, I looked into the mirror and saw Ennis standing there, waiting. Talk about fucking surreal.


Is this going to be a tradition for me at C2E2? Last year, I found myself in the very same position with Peter Straub, another writer I deeply respect. Hm. I wonder who it will be next year . . . .


[ON A SIDE NOTE, IT OCCURS TO ME THAT I MADE RYBANDT LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE IN THIS ARTICLE.  WELL, HE IS, BUT THEN AGAIN, SO AM I.  MORE IMPORTANTLY, I AM FAIR, AND IF I LEFT THIS PART OUT, I WOULD BE REMISS.  ON THE WAY OUT OF THE BATHROOM, I RAN INTO HIM.  HE WAS CLEARLY WAITING FOR ENNIS.  RYBANDT TOOK THE TIME TO GRACIOUSLY (AND POLITELY) THANK ME FOR ATTENDING THE DYNAMITE PANEL.]