GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #313: ROBERT KIRKMAN AND INVINCIBLE

 

It has become fashionable to talk shit about Robert Kirkman. I think I know why. 90% is that he is a lowly comics writer who has suddenly made it big. Which is bullshit, and I dismiss it. The other 10%? I think they're pissed off about how he ended The Walking Dead. It upset me a bit, too, but when I actually read it? It made perfect, wonderful sense. Say what you will about the man, he writes the perfect endings, no matter how much they can tear your heart out. Brian K. Vaughan is better at that. After Ex Machina and Y: The Last Man, I am deathly afraid for every character in Saga. But Kirkman is fucking great at it.

Before I continue, I should say that I currently read no Kirkman books. I try them all, and none of them recently has connected with me, so I don't read on. That's just in the interest of full disclosure. If you enjoy them, cool. I'm glad. I hate it when perfectly good art is wasted, because I'm not always the best judge of that.

So Invincible. I've been talking about it a lot on my social media because I get the Ultimate editions. I only get them at comics conventions. And, well, I don't attend these anymore. It's not because of the 'rona. I stopped doing these shows years ago, and that's a story for another day. Maybe tomorrow, if I'm sober enough and anyone is interested. The reason I'm talking about these books is I just finally ordered the last three online, and I'm reading them now. Anyway, I'm quickly approaching the ending. That's why this has been on my mind.

Getting back to how I started off, it's fashionable to talk shit about Kirkman. I'll get into that shortly, but the important thing to take away from this is, I'm going to say some awesome things about him right here, right now.

I knew Kirkman before TWD took off. I should amend that. We're not friends. We are barely acquaintances. Didn't want to give the wrong impression there. I remember ages ago when I picked up this book called Battle Pope off the shelves of a comic book store. I fell in love immediately. Fast forward a few years, and I found myself actually becoming friends with Brian Pulido, the guy who created Evil Ernie and wrote (and still writes) Lady Death. Over a phone call, he invited me to my first comics convention, which was Wizard World Chicago many years ago. I went specifically to meet him and talk about cool shit with him. And then I found a few other great comics writers there, including Garth Ennis, when Preacher was just barely into its 21st issue.

And then I ran into Kirkman and Tony Moore at their Funk-O-Tron booth. It was just them. No one else. No crazy shit. Very few fans. Knowing Battle Pope, I got excited and talked with them for a while. I got them to sign some Battle Pope issues, and I got one of my favorite shirts ever. I got too fat and can't wear it now, but it showed Battle Pope's face, smoking a cigar, and it said BRING ON THE WHORES!

Remember that. I'll get back to it soon.

So the next con I went to, I brought my own issues of Battle Pope and got them signed by both. And the next one (I think; if memory serves). It was the next one where I saw Kirkman wouldn't be there, but Moore would be. I gathered together my TWD books that were illustrated by Moore (first editions, all), and I went to this con, super excited. To be fair, I didn't think TWD would last long. Who bought zombie books in black and white except for Evil Ernie fans? I dug it, though, so I was happy. I stood in line for Moore, and guess what happened. Yeah, surprise! Kirkman was there, after all. I just glanced over and saw him working the table behind Moore. No one seemed to know who he was. I said, "Kirkman! I had no idea you would be here!" We talked a bit, and being a super nerd, I got him to sign the issues of TWD I brought (again, those are the first issues, first editions, that I eventually got Moore to sign, too). We talked a bit, and I told him how much I liked the new series. And then he said, "Have you tried Invincible?"

I don't like superheroes. I'd vaguely heard about it, but I didn't know he'd written it. I didn't mention that, but I said I hadn't. What did he do? He pulled out the first Invincible Ultimate Collection (there was only one at the time), and he gave it to me. For free. He signed it, and then he turned to this guy I didn't recognize. It turned out to be Ryan Ottley, who started illustrating the book starting with issue 8. He signed it, too.

It took me forever to get to Moore. Like, I was next, and then he announced that he had to go sign elsewhere. So he said go here, and he'll be there. I got there second in line, but the dude in front of me asked for this crazy, elaborate commission, and he paid enough to get it immediately. Long story short, I waited three hours to get Moore to sign my first issues of TWD. Not complaining. It sucked, sure, but I know cons. I get how they work. But dammit, I got my issues signed. Before anyone who might be prosecution for my bankruptcy case reads this and gets ideas, I can't prove it. I have no certificates. No pictures of me with these guys. In fact, without those things, my issues of TWD are probably worth less with their scribbles on them. But I don't care. I treasure them because they mean something to ME.

But read all that again. In what fucking world does a creator give away something that is super fucking expensive for free just 'cause? I'd get giving away a trade paperback for free just for the read and the likes, but a giant, thick, expensive hardcover book? Maybe worth fifty bucks? No. I think he trusted that I would like this. And I did. I fucking did.

I don't like superheroes. I think they're stupid (unless Ennis is writing Punisher or Fury, Azzarello is writing Batman or Wonder Woman or Brubaker is doing Captain America or Daredevil, etc.). And I'm about to blaspheme here, but Batman is the fucking worst of the bunch. Again, that's a story for another day. But Batman can eat my ass. I dig the movies (most of them), but fuck Batman. DC said they're killing him but not really. BIG FUCKING NEWS, RIGHT?! STOP THE PRESSES! DC IS KILLING BATMAN AGAIN BUT NOT REALLY!

Yes, that's a sore spot. But superheroes are stupid. The only one I ever truly liked was Punisher, and he's a vigilante, not a superhero (except for that awful time that he had superpowers from heaven, I think?). I celebrated when he killed the Marvel Universe, and I'm getting way the fuck off track again.

But I loved Invincible. He was the most plausible superhero ever. He was also pretty R rated despite his appeal to a PG-13 audience. Hell, maybe a PG audience. But this book was not for kids. There is a lot of blood. So much blood. And popped eyeballs. And other gross stuff. Hell, here's an exclusive (not that any single person in the world gives a flying fuck about it): Invincible was a huge influence on my book, And Jesus Came Back. My shit usually wears its influences on its sleeve, so if you've read my book and not Invincible, read Invincible. The influence will be very apparent.

Hell, even my brother (the Vegas one, who works in security and probably doesn't want me to name him here) loves the series, and I didn't know he liked comics until we talked about the book years ago.

Kirkman gave me that first book, just like a drug dealer. The first is always free, right? But while the idea may have flitted at the back of his head, he did not mean it like that. For all he knew (and this was before he was on the board of directors for Image), his book would be canceled the very next day. But he gave it to me, and I have always been grateful. It's a great book.

I've got one full volume left. I'm a few issues into the 11th. And goddammit, I'm dreading the ending. But I know he'll do it right. He may have fucked with the distributors for TWD, but his ending was really fucking good.

I think in about a week, he will have torn my heart out again, and I'll be very happy about it.

PS: At the last convention I went to, I'd talked with a lot of my indie comics friends. They said they were having an after party at such and such restaurant, which was down the street. I went there to discover that the line to get in was fucking huge. Out the door huge. But they were already in, and I was a guest, so I pushed through as best I could. I was wearing my Battle Pope shirt, the one that says BRING ON THE WHORES. Some guy stopped me and said, "Hey, I know Kirkman!"

"Yeah, me too." Kinda.

"I designed that shirt!"

"Cool. I like it, man!"

"He treated me like shit! Fuck that guy!"

Now, I don't know if this guy was telling the truth, but it sounded like he believed it, at the very least. To quote Raymond Reddington, "I have no interest in things that don't interest me." One of the things that doesn't interest me is getting into arguments over pop culture. If you like the same stuff I like, cool. If you hate the stuff I like, cool. You do you, and I'll do me. So I said, "He's always treated me well." The guy waved a dismissive hand at me, and I went about my life. But yeah, for various reasons, people can't help but talk shit about Kirkman. Oh well. I like him plenty.

THE JOHN BRUNI MUSEUM OF MEDIOCRE (AT BEST) SHIT #17: REVIEW OF EVIL ERNIE WAR OF THE DEAD #1

[I still hadn’t learned my lesson. Here I go, back to the books I enjoy, and fuck everything else. I’m shocked that no one called me on it. I’m not talking about readers. Very few readers read my comic book reviews. I’m talking about editors who had no choice but to read them. From the Elmhurst College Leader, Oct. 25, 1999.]

Just in time for Halloween, Evil Ernie has returned with War of the Dead, which is a part of the Armageddon lineup for Chaos! Comics. This is quite refreshing, considering the other components of this immense crossover event. Lady Death and Purgatori series are quite dull compared to the megadeth—the eradication of all the living—that Ernie brings in his wake.

As with the past issues, the artwork is okay and nothing more than that. David Brewer, the artist, needs to stop imitating Spawn and try being himself. The gory scenes are excellent, but that can’t be everything, can it? Ever since Steven Hughes left the comic, Ernie hasn’t been looking too good. There are some good moments, but mostly, it’s just downright bad.

As usual, the shining gem is Brian Pulido’s excellent writing. The comic starts out with one of the most questionable characters in comic book history committing very questionable acts. As seen at the end of the monthly series, Sarah, the scientist who was working on the virus that would eliminate the Dead Onez, was blown up in a helicopter explosion after she perfected the virus. Now Leonard Price, who is supposed to be the good guy (despite his propensity to ruthlessly kill innocents that get in his way of maintaining peace), has Sarah on an operating table. At least, he has part of her. He succeeded at reanimating her, but she is in mind-shattering pain. Not surprising, considering her lack of limbs and a face. Covered in blood, Price, glaring down at her with his relentless gaze, tells her that he will let her die when he gets the formula for the virus. It’s times like this when you really have to wonder, who is more evil? Ernie, the supernatural monster who strives to kill everyone living? Or Leonard Price, the man who will stop at nothing, no matter how evil, to destroy Ernie?

Now Price has teamed up with the Dead King to stop Ernie. The Dead King also has Smiley, Ernie’s former best friend. They split up because Smiley thought Ernie had abandoned megadeth to save Ernest Fairchild, Ernie’s good half.

They will have to use everything they’ve got because Ernie’s certainly got the upper hand. Little did the living know when the dead crashed through the Mississippi Wall (the wall erected to keep the dead away from the living) that Ernie was ambushing them, distracting them for his true purpose. Now Ernie’s gotten into NORAD. The last panel of the comic shows Ernie holding his hands up in victory, grinning, standing in front of a screen that reads, “NUCLEAR LAUNCH CONTROL.” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time since Destroyer, Evil Ernie has gotten control of the NUKES! Last time, Chastity, the vampire who used to love Ernie, pushed the abort button. Now there’s no one in his path.

The dead are finally killing all the living. Price has gone so far off the deep end that he could seriously be called a villain. Smiley and Ernie have separated. Ernie’s got the nukes, and he’s not afraid to push the button. This is Night of the Living Dead, Zombie, and The Dead Pit multiplied by ten thousand. Some supernatural creatures might survive it all, but humanity looks screwed. For the first time in Chaos! history, it really looks like it’s going to come to an end. Hurry up and read War of the Dead before it’s too late.

THE JOHN BRUNI MUSEUM OF MEDIOCRE (AT BEST) SHIT #14: REVIEW OF ARMAGEDDON #1

[Ah, yes. More evidence that I didn’t have a wide enough experience to review comic books. My focus was always Chaos!, Vertigo and Garth Ennis, essentially. I should have branched out a lot more. This is from the Elmhurst College Leader in the September 27, 1999 issue.]

After such a long wait, it’s finally here! Chaos! Comics’s Armageddon hit the racks with a vengeance, sporting a cover with Chaos! characters from Evil Ernie all the way to The Omen. Artist Luke Ross brings us the best artwork Chaos! has to offer, aside from Steven Hughes. Evil Ernie and company haven’t looked so good since EE: Revenge. The artwork is simply cataclysmic.

The writers Brian Pulido and Len Kaminski aren’t slacking off, either. They offer an explanation for both cattle mutilations and crop circles in a mere three pages. The beginning reads like something out of an HP Lovecraft story, complete with “Tekeli-li’s” that bring to mind the otherworldly creatures that dwelt under Antarctica in “At the Mountains of Madness.”

It soon returns to the world of Chaos! when we see Evil Ernie naming his plane “Scareforce One” in blood. It’s very reminiscent of the old days of Chaos!, especially when Ernie and Lady Death make contact for the first time since EE: Straight to Hell.

Speaking of, Lady Death is on earth again, and she’s brought Hell with her. The punchline: she’s in Las Vegas about to start the greatest fight Hell has seen.

The issue also marks the return of Chastity, Bedlam, and the Omen, all sorely missed for a while. There’s the moment of ultimate horror when the Father of Fear, the bringer of Armageddon, arrives on earth to start the . . . uh . . . chaos. Is it Shub-Niggurath, or any of the other Cthulhu Mythos as is suggested in the beginning? Or is it something Biblical? One way or the other, it looks nasty and dangerous.

This is probably the biggest crossover event comics has seen since DC and Marvel met a few years back. Not only that, but it’s aptly planned. The whole series will run almost weekly until the end of this year. It looks like the end of the world is very possible in the Chaos! Universe.

There’s one slight problem with the comic, though. Armageddon doesn’t mean the end of the world, as most people believe it does. Armageddon is merely the place where the battle between Heaven and Hell is supposed to take place. Apocalypse would be the better word to use. A small problem in the face of such wonderful writing and artwork.

If you don’t know the characters, this probably won’t be your kind of thing, but if you’ve followed Chaos! throughout the years, this is the greatest orgasm you’ll ever have. Evil Ernie, Lady Death, Lucifer, Purgatori, Bedlam, Chastity, the Omen, even Mitchell Wardlow, and that’s not the end of it. There are still twelve more installments to go. With Chaos!’s reputation for escalating plot lines to the very extreme, what’s not to like?

“You haven’t seen anything yet,” said Brian Pulido in the 24^th “Impending Chaos” column. With the vastness of the Chaos! Universe, it’s hard not to believe him. It’s a cataclysmic ride. Enjoy!

THE JOHN BRUNI MUSEUM OF MEDIOCRE (AT BEST) SHIT #7: LETTER TO THE EVIL ERNIE MONTHLY #10

[Surprise! I got another letter into Evil Ernie. This one was much shorter and full of a lot more praise. It felt like my letter influenced the book. It was in issue 10 of the monthly.]

Evil Ernie: Trauma! All I can say is HOLY SHIT! With Brian Pulido holding EE’s pen again, Megadeath is back on track, and Evil’s back in black and more terrifying than ever!

I do have a bit more sympathy for the people inside the Black Box. Most of them are just Joe Average after a long day’s work, wanting nothing more than to get home and kick back. We’ve all been there.

And Price is back! Even if he was only a silhouette on a monitor for two panels. It was very refreshing to hear from him again.

The virus scene is very disturbing. I know that the Dead Onez are a big threat to the living, and the virus is a good thing for them, but I can’t help but be reminded of Nazi scientists experimenting with the Jews. Maybe this is just another chemical warfare scenario—something that shouldn’t be. It had something that has been lacking in the most recent EE stories—horror. Horror that hits very close to home. Horror that has actually happened before. Hats off, Brian Pulido. This one kicks ass.

Sworn to the Black,

John Bruni