The Death of #VoteBruniDanger2016

Whoo-boy. What an election. It was fun promoting books by running for president. For all of your John Bruni needs, go here. For all of your Danger_Slater needs, go here. Danger was a hell of a sport. I said a lot of crazy things in the name of this campaign, and he rolled with it all. Buy his books.


I guess that puts to rest the least popular hashtag in Twitter's history, #VoteBruniDanger2016. It was so unpopular that no matter how many times I typed it on my phone, it NEVER remembered it. It remembered the time that I fucked up and typed #VoteBr. It remembered that better than it remembered my own phone number. But I could never use auto-fill to get the actual hashtag up. I had to type it out each and every fucking time.


Ah well. Forget it. The election is over. Four years of chaos are upon us.


I just had a horrible thought. Checks and balances are supposed to keep anyone from achieving ultimate power in America. The Republicans have the executive branch. They're the majority of the legislative branch. The only thing standing between President Trump and Emperor Trump is the judicial branch. It's not looking good for the future of the Supreme Court. Check this out.


Yep, the Supreme Court is crumbling. If key members die--and it's very possible, considering how old they are--then Trump gets to appoint replacements. We all know he's not going to put anyone in there who disagrees with him. If that happens, then we no longer have checks and balances. That's kind of scary.


But there's nothing we can do about it (short of a bloody revolution). We're stuck with it, folks. I'm picking up my fiddle, and I'm gonna have me some fun while Rome burns. Embrace the madness. The Deathbird is coming. Get your kicks in while you can. It's time to get familiar with cannibalism.


Seriously, though. You assholes should have voted for me.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #235: #VOTEBRUNIDANGER2016

For my entire life I have been unsettled by our government and the way it is run. Our system is fucked. It's unfair. It's garbage. Long time readers will remember this from years ago, when I complained about how rich white men make all the decisions in this country, and that's the way our system was designed from way back when, back when democracy meant practically nothing.


For the most part I still believe this. Our whole system, which is fucking ancient, needs to be retooled. This garbage makes no sense now. BUT! I've done a lot of thinking about this, and it sucks. I might have been wrong back then. Not about the rich white men doing shit. That's always been the case. No, I mean that maybe I was wrong about going with the popular vote.


In my youthful naivety I forgot about one thing: human beings are pieces of shit. The public should not be allowed to make important decisions. They are guided by one thing and one thing only: ME. Fuck everyone else. It's ME I'm concerned with. Fair enough. We all want to preserve our own way of life. But human beings, for the most part, can't be bothered with other ways of life. We're tribal. If something falls outside of our belief system we feel a moral obligation to fuck it to death with our mind dicks.


I feel more impotent than I've ever felt in my entire life. There's no sane way out of this. We can let America's id run rampant and get Trump into office, or we can let our superego let Clinton win the White House. But there's no way to make us all happy.


Fuck Trump. Fuck Clinton. Fuck all these other assholes who will never win but are still somehow on the ballot. Fuck this country. We need something new. Something different.


Do you realize how insane this year has been? This election? If it had happened 50 years ago, everyone would have been executed for the best of our nation. Trump and Clinton are sick dogs that need to be put down so we can actually do something creative with our country.


I'd say to vote for me and Danger Slater, but even that's a joke. I wouldn't know what to do with this shit show that 2016 is. But what the hell? If I was president I might sell more books. Same for Danger, who is an amazing writer. The dude is unstoppable.


Yeah, it would be funny. But it would be pointless. Fuck everybody.


What follows is a quote from the smartest person on Twitter, Neil deGrasse Tyson. I take a lot of comfort in this quote, and I probably shouldn't. I love life, and I love our potential, but a philosophy professor once told me that he hates the word "potential." He said, holding his empty hand aloft, "Right now I'm holding a potential sandwich."


True. Enjoy the following words from a great astrophysicist. And try not to lose too much sleep. What we do here is meaningless. Our only purpose is to make life easier for each other. Don't hate. Love. In the end we're all dead. Let's make this journey as pleasant as possible. Fuckers.


In 5-billion yrs the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.

OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE FOR THE BRUNI/DANGER 2016 CAMPAIGN!

Horror and bizarro author John Bruni is running for President of the United States of America in 2016. He has no money to put into this. He has very little reach to make this happen. He’s got no plan to save this country. He’s got no experience in politics. However, he’s a pretty funny guy. Charisma goes a long way, right? And he’s a published author. That’s got to count for something. Plus he’s promised not to lie during the course of his campaign. He’s been brutally honest about his life on Twitter @tusitalabruni for a long time. Why vote for candidates who lie every time their mouths are open? And since he knows how the government works, he promises to make no campaign promises because the president doesn’t make laws. Congress does. Mr. Bruni is available for interviews, which will probably be phoners, since he has a job. Please contact him at johnbruni2016@gmail.com for inquiries. www.talesofquestionabletaste.com

By the way, his running mate is Danger_Slater, another fellow horror and bizarro writer. He can be found here.