GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #452: THE BEST NIGHT OF SLEEP I'VE EVER GOTTEN

 First off, I want to say that you should not try this at home (or anywhere else for that matter). It worked very, very well for me, but I have a high substance tolerance. And I've only been able to do this once, anyway. So yeah. Keep that in mind.

I've never been very good at sleeping. I'm a lifelong insomniac who discovered that alcohol can help me get to sleep, so I did that for years. The thing is, it was rarely a rewarding sleep. I still felt miserable and tired the next day. But at least I lost consciousness.

Cannabis helps quite a bit. I'm still not fully rested the next day, but it works better than the booze did.

So this happened the last time I was in the hospital for an overnight stay. It's impossible to sleep in a hospital, by the way. Nurses and techs disturb yours sleep constantly to the point where you're lucky if you can close your eyes for longer than a half an hour. It's even worse if they have a blood pressure cuff on your arm at all times.

But this was the first time since starting my cannabis habit that I was in the hospital for an overnight stay, so I came prepared. I wanted to make sure that I would sleep through anything and everything, including when the blood tech visits at the crack of dawn to exsanguinate me.

So here's what I did. I timed it perfectly. About an hour before I wanted to go to bed, I popped an edible, then watched some TV while waiting for it to kick in. An hour after that, I took a few Unisom and another edible, got into bed and hit the button for the nurse. I had to time it right, or I wouldn't get what I wanted, which was my next dose of morphine, because I was in constant pain from my guts. Too soon, and I wouldn't get it. Too late, and I might pass out and not get that optimal night of sleep.

The nurse arrived and gave me my dose, and I closed my eyes. I slept wonderfully! It was so amazing, it's one of my favorite things I've ever done. And yes, I slept through the blood tech and a bunch of other nurse visits. I knew the blood tech had visited because I had a new bandage on the inside of my elbow when I didn't have one the night before.

Holy shit, that was great. I think about that night of sleep often, wishing I could replicate it on my own. I've never felt so fresh in my entire life as I did the next morning.

So yeah. The next time I go to the hospital, I expect I'll have yet another perfect night of sleep. If not for the whole hospital part, I might actually look forward to it.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #309: LIVE TO YOU FROM THE HOSPITAL!

 First point, yes, this is a weird time for me to be posting this, but after I do so, I am going to go to sleep, as I have not done so in a very, very long time. Bringing me to my second point. I am doing this from the hospital. Once again, my insides have risen up against me, but like the Pentahook, I'm a bastard who can't be killed.

Why am I doing this instead of sitting back and enjoying the morphine while my death wracked body begs for mercy? I found out something so horribly disgusting today about maybe the toneless and most greediest thing I have ever heard about.

So I'm in the ER, just about learning that I was to be admitted, when the nurse and the tech started talking about a possible raise they were going to get. I'm a personable guy in these situations because I know how difficult and sometimes horrifying their jobs can be. One of them said she thought they'd get a flat 3% raise. The tech said it had better be 5. I wished them good luck, as they were about to leave to handle a patient who wanted his fluids orally because he was scared of needles.

"I hope we're lucky," the nurse said. "They just took away our 401k plans."

Wait, now what? Who? And who suffers? Well, they were recently bought by a corporate entity, and while I believe the idea came from these new administrators, I highly think that they would never apply such a grim plan to themselves. Doctors? Lucrative, I'm sure, but somehow I feel that the doctors had the pull to keep them out of it. Nurses? Techs? You know, the guys who do the real work? When was the last time you saw a doctor put in an IV or one do a CT Scan themselves? No, they just make the big money from looking at the results and from sometimes making you say "Ahhhhhhhh."

Just so we're clear, the front-line responders at a hospital, the one who get most of the hands on experience, are doing so during the most deadly plague we've experienced in a while and having the most risk of getting it are now doing this with the sudden absence of their 401k plans?! What fucking CEO-in-Robocop prick came up with this solution? Did he laugh to hookers in chains while wiping at the cocaine ring around his nostrils? What kind of evil shit is this?

This hospital, I should mention, has proudly bragged about how awesome they score on national tests. It's a very effective place. I use it a lot, and it's only let me down twice. I've been here once a month at least every month of this year. In May, I went here a staggering four times in five days. I almost had you beat, October! Damn it! Damn you!

So every time you see all those children's signs on the outside, keep in mind that while those are pretty good, they would much rather have their 401k plans. (Hey, I did this all on morphine. I think I did a fair job.)