COOL SHIT 3-13-14

FBP #8: This issue contains what is possibly the strangest bar fight you will ever encounter in fiction. Apparently, the FBP is now located in Alaska as their funds dry up even more. The locals aren’t fans of the government agents, but they aren’t afraid to try to hustle them out of money by playing pool with Adam and Rosa, the latter of which has never played before. She learns fast, though, as she talks about the multiverse. Before long, they’ve gotten the better of the locals, but things turn violent. That’s when Rosa apparently bends space in order to throw a ball at their attackers, which has seemingly picked up the attributes of perpetual motion and terminal velocity. I’ve got to say, I never saw anything like that in PREACHER . . . And then there’s the reveal that Rosa grew up in an alternate universe. And what the fuck is Cicero up to? Just when you think things in this book can’t get weirder.

THE TRANSFORMERS: MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE #27: Well. That was . . . unexpected. Shockwave has finally revealed his endgame, and it’s a real motherfucker. He’s decided to end existence. Kind of. He intends to funnel the universe into himself, thus rendering it into one giant black hole. It’s hard to say why he wants this, but there you go. This just goes to show you that Shockwave is the nastiest villain in the TF world. Not even Megatron is that fucked up. In fact, he’s not all that bad. Remember, he started out as a revolutionary. It’s just that his hatred and his desire for power overcame his noble intentions and he turned into the monster he is now, which is why I think a small part of Optimus Prime admires him a bit. Speaking of Megatron, Ratchet has repaired him, and in an odd moment of introspection, Megatron finally understands his own tragic flaw (and I’m talking real tragic flaw, as described by Aristotle, not just as a common phrase that has almost lost its meaning).

THE WALKING DEAD #123: Remember last issue when Negan upped his game by smearing all of his army’s weapons with zombie gunk so they don’t have to actually strike killing blows? Well, the time has come to use them, and boy, does he ever. At this time, I feel it’s important to remind you all that spoilers are fair game here in Cool Shit, because this one’s a doozy. You see, this issue ends with a motherfucker of a cliffhanger: Dwight shoots a soiled arrow (sorry, I mean “bolt”) into Rick’s back. Which, in theory, means Rick is fucked. He’s going to go zombie on us, and it’s not like you can cut his fucking torso off to save him. Personally, I think Dwight’s arrow wasn’t soiled. We don’t technically see him put the zombie gunk on it (the zombie’s back covers up that scene), and remember, he’s supposed to be a spy for Rick. Kirkman constantly says that no one is safe in this book, and usually, he’s right. However, I think most of his fans would turn their backs on him if he really killed Rick off. I wouldn’t mind if Kirkman killed off all of the people we’ve been following for 123 issues and replace them with Negan and his Saviors, but he swears he’s not going to do that. Three more issues of “All Out War” to go . . .

RED TEAM #7: This is it, the final issue. Garth Ennis and Craig Cermak go out with a bang. A lot of bangs, actually. We now know who Eddie and Trudy have been telling their story to: the captain. Oddly enough, he seems to be taking it pretty well, considering what an absolute clusterfuck it would be if the press got their hands on this story. It’s interesting to see how Eddie and Trudy get out of the horrible mess at the cabin, but the absolute shocker of this issue is the captain’s conclusion. But that couldn’t be the end of it. Garth Ennis has a real bastard streak in him. That final page will break your heart. I’m going to miss this book.

COOL SHIT (and SHIT SHIT) 7-25-13

JUDGE DREDD #9:  The world of Dredd is pretty crazy sometimes, but this is the craziest to come from the new IDW series.  Dredd wanders out into the Cursed Earth, looking for a hovercraft that “could save Mega-City One.”  Instead, he finds a family of mutie hillbillies running an amusement park with some of the most ghastly rides ever.  My favorite is the Kamikaze Matterhorn.  One of these guys has the ability to touch someone and make them apathetic, which is what he does to Dredd, and now Dredd has to face off against all these freaks and even worse, the Mirrored Madhouse.  (And no, it’s not what you think it is.  It’s far more insidious.)

FERALS #16:  This time out, we take a break from Dale Chesnutt to explore the life of Major General Richard W. Arthur.  It’s a fascinating look at someone who was born Feral, but he never knew it.  Even now, he seems to be in denial.  Even after he finds himself in a life and death battle with another Feral.  And to top it all off, he’s kind of an important guy in the government . . . .

CROSSED:  BADLANDS #33:  It’s good to see David Lapham back on the series.  I wasn’t too impressed with Christos Gage’s story.  Now, we return to Amanda, Lorre’s old victim/survivor.  She’s still living in her fantasy world with her two companions, but now that’s about to be fucked.  It would seem that a group of religious Crossed have moved in on her territory . . . .  I miss Raulo Caceres on this book, though.  Miguel Ruiz isn’t bad, but Caceres is a fucking genius.

RED TEAM #4:  Whoops.  It seems that for all the planning that the Red Team goes through, they dropped the ball on this one.  Thinking to take out a Bernie Madoff type (except this guy was found not guilty), they off him without thinking that maybe the reason the guy got off in court was because he’d made a deal with the prosecution to turn weasel on his friends.  Now all of those guys are going to walk free.  Like I said, whoops.  This leads to a few changes in policy, but it’s not enough to keep certain members of the team for losing it in a questionable bar bathroom with a date rapist . . . .

And now for some SHIT SHIT!  That’s right, 3 books really disgusted me this week.  Let’s start with . . . .

JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK #22:  Ah yes.  Behold that cover.  Then take a look around inside to see that our boy John Constantine is hanging out with the big superheroes this issue.  Sure, he had a run in with Flash lately, but now he’s rubbing elbows with the likes of Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman.  And yes, he’s a bit snarky, but for the most part, he doesn’t give them any crap.  Since when does Constantine not give the capes a hard time?!  Oh right.  I’m sorry, I keep thinking this is MY Constantine, not the pisswarm version in the New 52.  This leads us directly to . . . .

CONSTANTINE #5:  JLD continues right into this issue with Constantine hanging out with Shazam.  Why would he do that?  Well, remember when I said, back when DC brought John Constantine back to the DCU, that they were going to turn him into a superhero?  I was speaking metaphorically.  I guess I was wrong.  In this issue, they turn him—quite literally—into a superhero.  I can’t believe it, either, but look at that picture above.  Do you think I made that up?  I can’t tell you how much this disgusts me.  And then there’s this happy horseshit:

ALL STAR WESTERN #22:  Yep, this asshole is Dr. Arkham’s great-great-grandson.  As much as I despised the idea of bringing Hex to his future—our present—at the very least, it got him away from having a sidekick.  That was worth a lot to me.  And now, even that is undone.  Yeah, this new Dr. Arkham is Hex’s new sidekick.  Oh, and by the way, it looks like they’ve given up on finding a backup story for each issue, but instead of taking pages out and letting us keep an extra dollar, they thought this story was so good that we needed more of it.  Fuck.  (One more thing:  it’s hinted that Hex will be hanging out with Batman in the next issue.  After what’s been going on with Constantine, that shouldn’t surprise me one bit.)