GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #576: RIP NEGAN AND FRIENDS

 I was a fan of The Walking Dead for a long time before the show premiered. I knew the team of Kirkman and Moore before even the first issue came out. I was a huge fan of their previous book, Battle Pope, and at my first comics convention I bought a Battle Pope shirt off of them personally.

In case you're not familiar with Battle Pope

When I saw that they were putting a book out through Image about the zombie apocalypse, I got very jazzed. Bought it fresh off the press. The Walking Dead #1. I eventually got it signed by Kirkman and Moore. This was in the days just before the show started. Kirkman was easy to get. He wasn't even on the list of guests. He was just hanging out at the Image booth. I got to talk to him while waiting in line for Moore, who had been on the guest list. Our talk went so well that he gave me volume one of the Invincible omnibus for free. That's a hell of an expensive book, but it paid off. I got all the others in the series, too. Moore was a lot harder to get, and that's a story for another day because this isn't about the comics.

It's about the show. I remember when the first episode aired. It was a double episode, if I recall. I made it very clear to my girlfriend at the time that no matter what we did it would involve watching The Walking Dead. So we did. I loved the hell out of it, and after getting fabulously drunk and having lots of sex, we both passed out only to be woken up in the middle of the night by the replay. Specifically by the car alarm scene because I'd left the TV blaring when we passed out.

But after that first season the show had its ups and downs. A lot more downs than I would have hoped for. It got to the point where I was baffled by the writers because they weren't doing anything cohesive with this. If they found an opportunity to make a tangent, they would do so and follow it until they had no choice but to go back to the story. They lacked focus. But every once in a while they fired on all cylinders, and that kept me engaged.

And then they introduced Negan. They handled the end of his first episode poorly. His second went pretty well when he out-Neganed the comics Negan by killing Abraham and Glenn. That was pretty sweet. But Rick and his crew kept descending into madness and stupidity until I reached the point where I thought FUCK THEM. I want Negan to kill them all and take over the show.

And so Negan and Friends was born. And when I got tired of Fear the Walking Dead, I started calling it Where's Negan and Friends? But then it got really good and I started calling it The Adventures of Victor Strand in the Nuclear Zombie Apocalypse. And now it's going to be stupid again, so it's back to Where's Negan and Friends?

They really should have called Dead City Negan Lives, but what the hell. It will probably get bogged down by Maggie's bullshit, so I'm calling it Negan and Friend. The Daryl Dixon show? I won't bother. Maybe it will be Friend of Negan? Don't even ask me about the Rick and Michonne one. I have the least interest in that one unless Rick and Michonne die horribly in the first episode. It could be called Negan and Friends: Pee-Pee Pants City.

World Beyond? What's that?

PS:

PSS: This always makes me laugh.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #540: IS ANYONE REALLY SAFE?

 So I read this last week, and I think you should give it a glance before continuing with me.

So yeah, I've been seeing a lot of talk about this lately, and people seem to think Darryl, Maggie and Negan are safe because they're getting spin-off series. But is anyone really safe?

Because I don't take it for granted that those shows are happening. I think the one with Rick and Michonne is definitely happening because for some reason, unbeknownst to me, everyone loves Rick fucking Grimes even though he's a murderous psychopathic piece of shit who seems convinced that he's a good guy. But it's happening. The others? I'm not convinced.

Not following me, Axel? Check this out:

Do those covers look familiar? They might. They might not. But at the very least, if you read the comics, you might think, hey, didn't TWD end at issue 193? Why yes, it most certainly did. Then what are these covers? Fan art?

Nope. Kirkman wanted to shock everyone with an unexpected ending to the series, so he had two covers made up so he could solicit them as if the comics were actually going to exist. It angered a lot of people, but I gotta say it impressed me. I didn't think anyone was capable of such trickery, and I appreciate the effort that went into this.

So do you really put it past AMC to make up spin-off series just for the sake of lulling you all into a sense of false security? "At least I know my beloved Darryl won't die on the show! He's getting his own show after this!" Until they kill him in the last episode, and Norman Reedus and Scott Gimple and Robert Kirkman show up on Talking Dead to explain their ruse.

Does that seem so far fetched? Does it?

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #510: REDEMPTION

The true hero of The Walking Dead

 

I'm a sucker for a great redemption story. The farther a villain goes, the better before they try to bring themselves back to humanity. The purest form of it that we're going through right now is Negan on The Walking Dead. He brutally and graphically murdered the second most beloved character on the show, and now that he's seen the error of his ways, he's trying to be a good man. To say nothing of poor Abraham. No one remembers that part. Everyone cares about their sacred baby Glenn.

So I've adopted the same stance through much of my writing. I'm bringing Dong of Frankenstein back into print, hopefully before the year is done, and it will be accompanied by other out of print stories. One of them is "Zero Recall," in which I detail the crimes of a horrible rapist/murderer, and yet I somehow bring him back from the brink to the point where people who have read the story feel bad for him. I'm doing this on a much grander scale with my forthcoming SF novel, Eye Cutter. You'll see what I mean when it's released.

So I found myself wondering a while back why that kind of story is so interesting to me, and when I was preparing my piece on why people hate the Star Wars prequels, I figured it out.

Darth Vader has done a lot of horrible things, up to and including the murder of children. Does he deserve redemption? Maybe. Just maybe. Because he fell under the sway of someone far more evil than he. Many of the things he did were done because he truly didn't understand the situation. It was easy for Palpatine to manipulate him into becoming the ghastly thing known as Darth Vader.

Who sees this possibility of redemption? His son. Luke tries to save his father, and holy shit, it actually works. (Spoiler.) It works to the point where Vader saves his son's life at the cost of his own and kills Palpatine. Yes. Kills Palpatine. Because that guy never comes back. Ever. If they made a ninth Star War, he absolutely, most certainly wouldn't come back as the villain because Vader definitively kills him in Return of the Jedi. Permanently.

The end of Return of the Jedi infected me with a joy in this kind of redemption arc. I can safely say that it changed my life. Because I've done some pretty bad things over the course of my life. I've said vile shit that I shouldn't have. And I'm trying to be a better person every day. If someone like Darth Vader can come back from the evil he committed, then my own redemption should be a breeze.

Taking it like a champ!

OK, some of you think Rick should have let Negan die when he slit his throat. And yeah, Negan did some bad shit, too. But think about why you like Rick and hate Negan. I call Negan the hero of the show because at least he has no illusions about himself. Rick and friends are absolutely delusional in thinking they're the good guys. If you hadn't spent so many seasons with Rick and Daryl and Glenn and T-Dog (RIP, you sweet bastard) and the rest, and the characters you followed for all those seasons instead ran into Rick and Co., you would recognize them as the morally bankrupt pieces of shit they really are. Negan said that his only regret, when he killed Glenn AND ABRAHAM, is that he didn't just kill all of them. I was kinda hoping he would. Hence the reason I call TWD Negan and Friends.

Also, when Negan comes to realize what a bad guy he really is, he genuinely feels bad about the horrible things he'd done. Can you imagine, even on Rick's most optimistic day, that Rick would ever even think about doubting himself?

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #313: ROBERT KIRKMAN AND INVINCIBLE

 

It has become fashionable to talk shit about Robert Kirkman. I think I know why. 90% is that he is a lowly comics writer who has suddenly made it big. Which is bullshit, and I dismiss it. The other 10%? I think they're pissed off about how he ended The Walking Dead. It upset me a bit, too, but when I actually read it? It made perfect, wonderful sense. Say what you will about the man, he writes the perfect endings, no matter how much they can tear your heart out. Brian K. Vaughan is better at that. After Ex Machina and Y: The Last Man, I am deathly afraid for every character in Saga. But Kirkman is fucking great at it.

Before I continue, I should say that I currently read no Kirkman books. I try them all, and none of them recently has connected with me, so I don't read on. That's just in the interest of full disclosure. If you enjoy them, cool. I'm glad. I hate it when perfectly good art is wasted, because I'm not always the best judge of that.

So Invincible. I've been talking about it a lot on my social media because I get the Ultimate editions. I only get them at comics conventions. And, well, I don't attend these anymore. It's not because of the 'rona. I stopped doing these shows years ago, and that's a story for another day. Maybe tomorrow, if I'm sober enough and anyone is interested. The reason I'm talking about these books is I just finally ordered the last three online, and I'm reading them now. Anyway, I'm quickly approaching the ending. That's why this has been on my mind.

Getting back to how I started off, it's fashionable to talk shit about Kirkman. I'll get into that shortly, but the important thing to take away from this is, I'm going to say some awesome things about him right here, right now.

I knew Kirkman before TWD took off. I should amend that. We're not friends. We are barely acquaintances. Didn't want to give the wrong impression there. I remember ages ago when I picked up this book called Battle Pope off the shelves of a comic book store. I fell in love immediately. Fast forward a few years, and I found myself actually becoming friends with Brian Pulido, the guy who created Evil Ernie and wrote (and still writes) Lady Death. Over a phone call, he invited me to my first comics convention, which was Wizard World Chicago many years ago. I went specifically to meet him and talk about cool shit with him. And then I found a few other great comics writers there, including Garth Ennis, when Preacher was just barely into its 21st issue.

And then I ran into Kirkman and Tony Moore at their Funk-O-Tron booth. It was just them. No one else. No crazy shit. Very few fans. Knowing Battle Pope, I got excited and talked with them for a while. I got them to sign some Battle Pope issues, and I got one of my favorite shirts ever. I got too fat and can't wear it now, but it showed Battle Pope's face, smoking a cigar, and it said BRING ON THE WHORES!

Remember that. I'll get back to it soon.

So the next con I went to, I brought my own issues of Battle Pope and got them signed by both. And the next one (I think; if memory serves). It was the next one where I saw Kirkman wouldn't be there, but Moore would be. I gathered together my TWD books that were illustrated by Moore (first editions, all), and I went to this con, super excited. To be fair, I didn't think TWD would last long. Who bought zombie books in black and white except for Evil Ernie fans? I dug it, though, so I was happy. I stood in line for Moore, and guess what happened. Yeah, surprise! Kirkman was there, after all. I just glanced over and saw him working the table behind Moore. No one seemed to know who he was. I said, "Kirkman! I had no idea you would be here!" We talked a bit, and being a super nerd, I got him to sign the issues of TWD I brought (again, those are the first issues, first editions, that I eventually got Moore to sign, too). We talked a bit, and I told him how much I liked the new series. And then he said, "Have you tried Invincible?"

I don't like superheroes. I'd vaguely heard about it, but I didn't know he'd written it. I didn't mention that, but I said I hadn't. What did he do? He pulled out the first Invincible Ultimate Collection (there was only one at the time), and he gave it to me. For free. He signed it, and then he turned to this guy I didn't recognize. It turned out to be Ryan Ottley, who started illustrating the book starting with issue 8. He signed it, too.

It took me forever to get to Moore. Like, I was next, and then he announced that he had to go sign elsewhere. So he said go here, and he'll be there. I got there second in line, but the dude in front of me asked for this crazy, elaborate commission, and he paid enough to get it immediately. Long story short, I waited three hours to get Moore to sign my first issues of TWD. Not complaining. It sucked, sure, but I know cons. I get how they work. But dammit, I got my issues signed. Before anyone who might be prosecution for my bankruptcy case reads this and gets ideas, I can't prove it. I have no certificates. No pictures of me with these guys. In fact, without those things, my issues of TWD are probably worth less with their scribbles on them. But I don't care. I treasure them because they mean something to ME.

But read all that again. In what fucking world does a creator give away something that is super fucking expensive for free just 'cause? I'd get giving away a trade paperback for free just for the read and the likes, but a giant, thick, expensive hardcover book? Maybe worth fifty bucks? No. I think he trusted that I would like this. And I did. I fucking did.

I don't like superheroes. I think they're stupid (unless Ennis is writing Punisher or Fury, Azzarello is writing Batman or Wonder Woman or Brubaker is doing Captain America or Daredevil, etc.). And I'm about to blaspheme here, but Batman is the fucking worst of the bunch. Again, that's a story for another day. But Batman can eat my ass. I dig the movies (most of them), but fuck Batman. DC said they're killing him but not really. BIG FUCKING NEWS, RIGHT?! STOP THE PRESSES! DC IS KILLING BATMAN AGAIN BUT NOT REALLY!

Yes, that's a sore spot. But superheroes are stupid. The only one I ever truly liked was Punisher, and he's a vigilante, not a superhero (except for that awful time that he had superpowers from heaven, I think?). I celebrated when he killed the Marvel Universe, and I'm getting way the fuck off track again.

But I loved Invincible. He was the most plausible superhero ever. He was also pretty R rated despite his appeal to a PG-13 audience. Hell, maybe a PG audience. But this book was not for kids. There is a lot of blood. So much blood. And popped eyeballs. And other gross stuff. Hell, here's an exclusive (not that any single person in the world gives a flying fuck about it): Invincible was a huge influence on my book, And Jesus Came Back. My shit usually wears its influences on its sleeve, so if you've read my book and not Invincible, read Invincible. The influence will be very apparent.

Hell, even my brother (the Vegas one, who works in security and probably doesn't want me to name him here) loves the series, and I didn't know he liked comics until we talked about the book years ago.

Kirkman gave me that first book, just like a drug dealer. The first is always free, right? But while the idea may have flitted at the back of his head, he did not mean it like that. For all he knew (and this was before he was on the board of directors for Image), his book would be canceled the very next day. But he gave it to me, and I have always been grateful. It's a great book.

I've got one full volume left. I'm a few issues into the 11th. And goddammit, I'm dreading the ending. But I know he'll do it right. He may have fucked with the distributors for TWD, but his ending was really fucking good.

I think in about a week, he will have torn my heart out again, and I'll be very happy about it.

PS: At the last convention I went to, I'd talked with a lot of my indie comics friends. They said they were having an after party at such and such restaurant, which was down the street. I went there to discover that the line to get in was fucking huge. Out the door huge. But they were already in, and I was a guest, so I pushed through as best I could. I was wearing my Battle Pope shirt, the one that says BRING ON THE WHORES. Some guy stopped me and said, "Hey, I know Kirkman!"

"Yeah, me too." Kinda.

"I designed that shirt!"

"Cool. I like it, man!"

"He treated me like shit! Fuck that guy!"

Now, I don't know if this guy was telling the truth, but it sounded like he believed it, at the very least. To quote Raymond Reddington, "I have no interest in things that don't interest me." One of the things that doesn't interest me is getting into arguments over pop culture. If you like the same stuff I like, cool. If you hate the stuff I like, cool. You do you, and I'll do me. So I said, "He's always treated me well." The guy waved a dismissive hand at me, and I went about my life. But yeah, for various reasons, people can't help but talk shit about Kirkman. Oh well. I like him plenty.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #256: MAD'S MAKE YOUR OWN WALKING DEAD EPISODE

For those of you who missed MAD MAGAZINE #542, one of the features was MAD'S MAKE YOUR OWN WALKING DEAD EPISODE. I love shit like this. Jonathan Bresman is the genius behind this one. I thought I'd post how my episode would go based on his wonderful chart. Ready? Here we go!


Our story begins . . .


Daryl uses advice picked up from SHARK TANK to fight the man-child charm of Aziz Ansari. Chaos erupts until everyone recognizes that they completely forgot to DVR the TV Land Icon awards. Meanwhile, Negan hatches a plan to change the way America cleans its gutters while at the same time stocking up on Glade plug-in refills just as tragedy bears down in the guise of an F. Murray  Abraham sexting scandal.


The end.


Thank you, everyone, for indulging my idiocy. If you have the chart (posting it here would probably be a copyright infringement), please feel free to post your own version in the comments below.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #230: 5 REASONS THAT THE WALKING DEAD FUCKED UP TONIGHT

John Bruni is the author of a crime novel, STRIP (from MUSA), and a collection of short stories, TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE (from StrangeHouse). His shorter work has appeared most notably in SHROUD, MORPHEUS TALES, OVER MY DEAD BODY!, PRODUCT OF SOCIETY, CTHULHU SEX MAGAZINE, TRAIL OF INDISCRETION, AOIFE’S KISS, TALES OF THE TALISMAN, THE BRACELET CHARM, HOUSE OF BIZARRO and a number of other magazines including anthologies from StrangeHouse (ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG!), Pill Hill Press (A HACKED-UP HOLIDAY MASSACRE), Comet Press (the critically acclaimed VILE THINGS) and Nightblade (LOST INNOCENCE). He was the poetry editor of 



blah blah blah blah. I hope that's enough for the Facebook preview that usually accompanies these posts. Truth is, well . . .


Made you look! Silly geese. Seriously, if you avoid every stupid clickbait article about The Walking Dead, your life will improve greatly. This has been a public service announcement from an asshole.


Stop reading analytical posts about shows you like. (Unless it's Rob Bricken writing about Gotham, because he's a funny motherfucker.) Everything else is garbage. The show is all that matters. I get it, it's tempting to click on that tomfoolery. But don't do it. This behavior should not be encouraged.


The shows are awesome as they are. The only interpretation that matters is what YOU get out of it.



Have fun with your shows. Don't turn it into science.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #156: IF YOU DON'T READ THE WALKING DEAD, TURN BACK NOW

I'm serious. I mean it. If you don't read THE WALKING DEAD comic book series, you need to turn back now. This also includes those of you who have not watched tonight's episode. I'm giving you a chance to back away. Spoilers lay ahead. I'm not fucking with you.
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I'm pissed off about tonight's episode of THE WALKING DEAD. I think I might be the only person in the world who is angry that Glenn is still alive. I think the writers took the coward's way out. They decided not to kill a fan favorite because that would kill ratings. Sure enough, it would. But it's not the right creative answer.


I wanted Glenn to be dead because of one reason and one reason alone. Those of you who follow the comic book series know that Glenn meets his end when Negan beats his fucking head in with Lucille, a baseball bat wrapped with barbed wire.


If Glenn died the way the TV series suggested he might have, do you realize who would have died beneath Negan's Lucille? If the TWD writers had balls (which, at this point, I have to believe they don't), they would have killed Glenn episodes ago, and in his place, they would have put Daryl. That's right, Daryl would have died due to Negan and his love of Lucille. How incredible would that have been? Yes, there would have been riots . . . online. Not in real life. No one loves a character enough to actually riot BECAUSE IT'S NOT FUCKING REAL. It's a story.


That's a great story that could have been told, but it won't be. Because the people who write for THE WALKING DEAD thought they had balls, but they don't. They just wanted a who-killed-JR moment in TV history. They proved that tonight.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #135: TOO MUCH TV

Once upon a time, when I was in junior high, one of my fellow students was taking a poll for class. It was about the TV habits of preteens, and she asked me what shows I watched on a regular basis. I told her I don't really watch TV. All I watched in those days were reruns of THE TWILIGHT ZONE (and cartoons, of course, but those were usually on VHS and didn't count). Truth be told, I thought everything on TV was complete garbage, so I didn't watch it.


Fast forward more than twenty years, and I'm watching TV every night, at least for one hour. Don't get me wrong, I still think there's a lot of garbage on TV. I think Sturgeon's Law might be a bit too generous for what's being broadcast these days, but I do have my shows. Now, with so many shows taking a break for the holidays, I don't watch TV EVERY night, but when I was a kid, I would have never thought I'd have ended up like this.


Mondays are for GOTHAM. Tuesdays for Marvel's AGENTS OF SHIELD. Wednesdays are for AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAKSHOW. Thursdays are for WHITE COLLAR. Fridays are for CONSTANTINE. Saturdays are for HELL ON WHEELS. Sundays are for THE WALKING DEAD, THE TALKING DEAD and COMIC BOOK MEN. Repeat.


It's a marvel I get anything done. What happened? What changed me?


I actually don't think I'VE changed. I've always eagerly consumed excellent content, be it from books or movies. I think TV changed. The quality is better (which doesn't say much, but still). When they upped their game, I took interest, that's all.


But I am glad that great TV isn't in the majority. If every show was good, I would probably have dedicate a lot more time to watching TV, and I shudder to think of that as a good thing.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #119: TONE OF A TOWN

I just came back from Las Vegas, and the tone of the town never ceases to amaze me. A city always has a vibe, and for the most part, it's almost always the same. There are exceptions, but Vegas is by far the most different in the US.


It's not about prostitution. That's actually illegal in the city limits. In fact, these days there is a remarkable shortage of people passing around the hooker cards you would have seen ten years ago.


You can still smoke in buildings, which is unusual, since I come from one of the first states to adopt anti-smoking laws inside of buildings, even in bars. But that's not what it's about.


It's not even about gambling, which you can do almost anywhere now. The state of Illinois has opened up to the idea in a major way, and you're hard pressed to find a bar that doesn't offer gambling in some way. Which isn't to take away from the fact that Vegas has a slot machine for any intellectual property--even THE WIZARD OF OZ and THE WALKING DEAD (and I'm sure there is a slot machine dedicated to THE FOUNTAINHEAD somewhere)--but it's just not that special anymore.


No, take a walk down the Strip, and you'll feel a different energy from any other city in America. Everyone's drunk and happy just to hang out in a city where you can get anything at any time. Hell, there's an M&M store, and it's not just a little corner shop. No, it's a giant store with several levels, and they pump the smell of chocolate out into the street to entice people to come on in. At any given hour, you can find some drunken woman hanging off of the statue of the yellow M&M guy from the commercials that they have outside. Nearly all of those women are not concerned with their mini-skirts riding up to give a pervert the chance to see their panties, just so long as their friends get pictures they can post to Facebook later.


In any other town, everyone would be on guard, but in Vegas, almost everyone has a license plate issued from out of the state of Nevada (unless it's a rental car). This truly is a party town.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #97: NOT MY CONSTANTINE

Looks like tomorrow is the debut of CONSTANTINE, a TV show based on one of my favorite comic book characters from the Big 2. I know I'm going to hate it. I'm going to give it a shot, but I know I'm just going to shit all over it later.


I don't want to, but the thing is, this show is based on the New 52 Constantine (pronounced CON-stan-TEEN), not the HELLBLAZER Constantine (pronounced CON-stan-TYNE) that I loved so much. It's pretty easy to cover that bullshit version of Constantine pretty well, since bullshit is easy for TV to deal with. However, I think it's impossible for a TV network to capture the essence of an incredibly complex character, like the Constantine portrayed in HELLBLAZER.


I think they're going to pull a WALKING DEAD on us. In the TV version of TWD, the characters of Michonne and Andrea are written as if they're the comic book versions for TV. Here's the problem: on the TV show, neither of those characters earned the things their comic book counterparts achieved so well. TV Michonne displays a hatred for the Governor that borders on the insane, which only makes sense if it's comic book Michonne, who was raped and tortured by the comic book Governor, things that never happened to TV Michonne. The same goes for TV Andrea, who thinks she's a bad-ass only because comic book Andrea really is a bad-ass. TV Andrea is a full-on fuck-up. I'm thinking the same thing is going to happen with TV Constantine.


At least this time they got a guy who actually looks like comic book Constantine. That's the best I can say, so far. I'm sure I'll let you know more of my thoughts when I see the series premiere tomorrow. Until then, goodnight fuckers.




























PS: If you're doubting my pronunciation of the HELLBLAZER CON-stan-TYNE, then we're going to have a problem. Alan Moore created the character for SWAMP THING. Constantine proved to be so popular, he wound up getting his own title, HELLBLAZER. I forget which issue it was in, but in the letters column of one of them, Moore is quoted as saying that Constantine, who was born in Liverpool and therefore has a Liverpudlian accent, pronounces his last name as CON-stan-TYNE. Here's a secondary source, which is also pretty official. Just scroll down to Major Story Arcs, under DC Comics: New Earth Swamp Thing.

COOL SHIT 4-10-14

KICK-ASS 3 #7: (Please remember that Cool Shit contains spoilers. To quote a great man, “Tread lightly.”) Mark Millar’s not fucking around. This is the end of KICK-ASS. He pulls a very bizarre move in this issue though: he has the Motherfucker turn on his Mafia family and try to save Hit-Girl. I’m unclear as to why he does this. It’s completely out of character for him. Is it just so he can have his Hobgoblin-from-the-third-Spider-Man moment? Ugh. Not that it matters, though, since the Motherfucker gets killed in this issue. Seriously, Millar is an animal. He could do anything. There is one issue left, and there’s no way to predict the ending. For all we know, Hit-Girl and Kick-Ass die in the end. I suspect Hit-Girl will get it. I don’t know about Kick-Ass, but we’ll see soon. (PS: I love Big Daddy’s monster truck.)

G.I. JOE: SPECIAL MISSIONS #14: This one is reminiscent of the old Marvel G.I. JOE book. This is the perfect example of a Special Mission, taking one character and spotlighting him in the field. This is Lowlight’s book as he faces off against a Cobra sniper with a wounded Mainframe in the middle of it all. Since COBRA FILES ended, I’ve been greatly disappointed with this title. It was nice to see this one go out on top with a cool issue. That’s right, this is the last issue of SM. We’re stuck with the regular G.I. JOE from here on out (and the original Hama series, which is hit or miss). It’s a shame. I hope the next step for IDW and these characters is much better than what we’ve been getting lately.

THE TWILIGHT ZONE #4: And so the first story arc ends. It comes to a very satisfying ending. I’m not sure if it’s something that Rod Serling would have done, but tone-wise, I think he would have been proud. The only problem I have with it is the introduction of the next story by interweaving it with this one in an odd hybrid of an epilogue/prologue. It seems a bit cheap. I’d rather do without it. Besides, it ruins the effect of the final monologue (which, presumably, belongs to Serling). But I’ll reserve judgment until I’ve read the next issue.

THE WALKING DEAD #125: Here we have it, ladies and gentlemen. The moment of truth. Rick vs. Negan, one on one. Except . . . it’s not the two-fisted battle in a boiler room you might expect. No, it’s a verbal argument. And shockingly enough, Rick gives Negan a wonderful argument for why the war should end. He’s of the opinion that they could achieve wonderful things if they just worked together instead of trying to kill each other. Surprise! Rick gets through to Negan. He sees the light. It looks like we’re going to have a peace agreement. Too bad Rick fucking slits Negan’s throat. All right, I don’t really think he does a good enough job. I’ll bet next issue, it will be revealed to be a shallow job, and Negan’s going to make it. Kirkman’s not done with a guy like Negan, not yet. No fucking way. We don’t have his backstory yet. But we’ll see. Next issue is the last of “All Out War.”

Here’s a bonus: NEXT TESTAMENT #8. I’m going to review it next week on Wednesday at the Napalm Reviews, but I just wanted to share this wonderful image from this book with you. Haemi Jang is a wonderful artist.

Stay tuned next week for a special announcement concerning this column.

COOL SHIT 3-27-14

THE WALKING DEAD #124: “All Out War” continues, and the injured members of the Hilltop are starting to turn into zombies. Jesus pieces Negan’s plan together, and everyone starts looking at Rick, realizing that he was wounded by one of the tainted weapons. Or was he . . ? Ah, fuck it. We all know Dwight didn’t taint the bolt. Please. Everyone else is turning, but Rick isn’t? Why else would he not be? I hope Kirkman proves me wrong. Now would be the perfect time to kill Rick. Could you imagine if Jesus was the protagonist instead? Or even better, Negan? I know, I keep saying that. I know Kirkman will never let Negan lead the book, but Jesus? It could happen. (Hey, one more thing: I can’t wait for this story arc to be over, not just because I have high hopes that it will be bloody and it will change everything, but also because I’m sick of these bland covers. They’ve all sucked.)

THE TRANSFORMERS: DARK CYBERTRON #2: Wow. They killed off some big characters with this story arc. Last issue, they offed the most popular character in their history, Bumblebee. Now, Shockwave is gone. And . . . well, I’ll let Megatron speak for the rest of this entry. Nothing I could say is cooler than that.

FATALE #21: In this issue, we get even more information about Josephine’s past, in particular about her relationship with Otto, the only man who is completely immune to her wiles. But the big deal about this issue is the party Jo drags Nick to. She’s interested in stealing a very important artifact, something you wouldn’t expect. And though it’s been done several times over the course of the series, it never ceases to amaze me how men respond to Jo, especially when she isn’t around them. It’s painful to watch, and it never stops being so. THREE ISSUES TO GO!

COOL SHIT 3-13-14

FBP #8: This issue contains what is possibly the strangest bar fight you will ever encounter in fiction. Apparently, the FBP is now located in Alaska as their funds dry up even more. The locals aren’t fans of the government agents, but they aren’t afraid to try to hustle them out of money by playing pool with Adam and Rosa, the latter of which has never played before. She learns fast, though, as she talks about the multiverse. Before long, they’ve gotten the better of the locals, but things turn violent. That’s when Rosa apparently bends space in order to throw a ball at their attackers, which has seemingly picked up the attributes of perpetual motion and terminal velocity. I’ve got to say, I never saw anything like that in PREACHER . . . And then there’s the reveal that Rosa grew up in an alternate universe. And what the fuck is Cicero up to? Just when you think things in this book can’t get weirder.

THE TRANSFORMERS: MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE #27: Well. That was . . . unexpected. Shockwave has finally revealed his endgame, and it’s a real motherfucker. He’s decided to end existence. Kind of. He intends to funnel the universe into himself, thus rendering it into one giant black hole. It’s hard to say why he wants this, but there you go. This just goes to show you that Shockwave is the nastiest villain in the TF world. Not even Megatron is that fucked up. In fact, he’s not all that bad. Remember, he started out as a revolutionary. It’s just that his hatred and his desire for power overcame his noble intentions and he turned into the monster he is now, which is why I think a small part of Optimus Prime admires him a bit. Speaking of Megatron, Ratchet has repaired him, and in an odd moment of introspection, Megatron finally understands his own tragic flaw (and I’m talking real tragic flaw, as described by Aristotle, not just as a common phrase that has almost lost its meaning).

THE WALKING DEAD #123: Remember last issue when Negan upped his game by smearing all of his army’s weapons with zombie gunk so they don’t have to actually strike killing blows? Well, the time has come to use them, and boy, does he ever. At this time, I feel it’s important to remind you all that spoilers are fair game here in Cool Shit, because this one’s a doozy. You see, this issue ends with a motherfucker of a cliffhanger: Dwight shoots a soiled arrow (sorry, I mean “bolt”) into Rick’s back. Which, in theory, means Rick is fucked. He’s going to go zombie on us, and it’s not like you can cut his fucking torso off to save him. Personally, I think Dwight’s arrow wasn’t soiled. We don’t technically see him put the zombie gunk on it (the zombie’s back covers up that scene), and remember, he’s supposed to be a spy for Rick. Kirkman constantly says that no one is safe in this book, and usually, he’s right. However, I think most of his fans would turn their backs on him if he really killed Rick off. I wouldn’t mind if Kirkman killed off all of the people we’ve been following for 123 issues and replace them with Negan and his Saviors, but he swears he’s not going to do that. Three more issues of “All Out War” to go . . .

RED TEAM #7: This is it, the final issue. Garth Ennis and Craig Cermak go out with a bang. A lot of bangs, actually. We now know who Eddie and Trudy have been telling their story to: the captain. Oddly enough, he seems to be taking it pretty well, considering what an absolute clusterfuck it would be if the press got their hands on this story. It’s interesting to see how Eddie and Trudy get out of the horrible mess at the cabin, but the absolute shocker of this issue is the captain’s conclusion. But that couldn’t be the end of it. Garth Ennis has a real bastard streak in him. That final page will break your heart. I’m going to miss this book.

COOL SHIT 2-13-14

KICK-ASS 3 #6: This is a bit of an odd story to tell this late in the series. The prison shrink is trying to get to the base of Hit-Girl’s problems by asking her to tell the story of the first time her father made her kill someone. It’s a walk down memory lane for her, where we get a little more of her backstory, even though the series is almost at its conclusion. Still, it’s a lot of fun, especially since she had performance anxiety at first. Big Daddy came up with a spectacular way to make killing fun for her, as well as to help her overcome her issues. Not a lot happens to move the main story along, though . . . except that last panel, of course. 2 MORE ISSUES TO GO!

THE TRANSFORMERS: ROBOTS IN DISGUISE #26: Dark Cybertron has been sucking pretty badly, but IDW seems to be pulling it around. In this issue, Megatron actually helps save the day. Not only that, but the Lost Light has returned, reuniting the two books. And we learn a lot about Orion Pax in this one. After he learned how all of the Primes were scumbags, he couldn’t go on endorsing them by keeping the name Optimus Prime. However, Rodimus, of all people, turns him around on this by saying he’s always wanted to be, not just a Prime, but Optimus Prime. In his time as Optimus, Orion brought greatness back to the title. And yes, due to this, we have Optimus back!

FATALE #20: It’s great to see Jo back in action now that she finally knows who she is again. She’s making her way through the world, killing the cultists on her trail and . . . saving Nicholas? Could it be that she actually likes him? Is that why she “lets all of her nightmares” into Nelson? Or does she have something else planned for poor Nicholas? It was interesting to see Jo’s suicide attempts over the years. But even better is Nicholas’s revelation that maybe, just maybe, Jo is not a good person to have in his life, even if she just saved it. FOUR ISSUES TO GO!

THE WALKING DEAD #121: Oh shit. Rick has lost his number one secret. Negan has found Eugene and his bullet factory. Things don’t bode well for the Community. Not to mention the fact that Dr. Cloyd is gone, and the Community is so fucked up Rick can’t defend it. They actually have to flee to the Hilltop, and even Ezekiel has given up. But my favorite part is when Carl calls Rick a “wimp” for passing out. Seriously, Rick passes out more than a governess in a bodice-ripper. Good for Carl for pointing out what we all want to say. Well, maybe my favorite part is when Negan consults his, uh, crystal balls.

COOL SHIT 1-23-14

THE WALKING DEAD #120: Finally, something happens! Granted, no one dies. Not really. But we do get some action. Zombie Holly has been gunned down, and Denise is certain to die, since her bitten arm didn’t get chopped off, like Rick wanted. And hey! Heath lost a leg. And Carl got an owie, as per usual. And Rick freaks out, as per usual. Ah, who am I kidding? The real star, yet again, is Negan, as you can see above. How can you hate someone as wonderfully profane as Negan? All right, maybe he’s a murderer and he’s mad with power, but still. He’s a fun guy, and judging from that last panel, he’s got a hell of a plan. Rick severely underestimated this guy. Of course, Negan has a great deal of hubris, which will probably bring him down in the end. But I hope not.

Also, it's worth mentioning that Kirkman has said there's a 98% chance of Negan appearing on the TV show. I don't know how the fuck that will happen. I'm sure AMC will frown upon using words like "fuck" and "cock" on the air. Then again, this show is popular enough. Maybe they'll break away from the FCC. Probably not, but you never know. The FCC doesn't apply to them, after all.

One more thing: is it wrong that I kinda' want the Negan action figure? I'm not much of a collector when it comes to things like that, but I am slightly interested in this.

COOL SHIT 1-9-14

SEX CRIMINALS #4: Of course I’m going to love a series called SEX CRIMINALS. It helps that it’s illustrated by the maniac behind PRISON FUNNIES, Chip Zdarsky. In case you don’t know, this book is about two people who discover that they can freeze time whenever they have an orgasm, so they decide to fuck each other and take advantage of the frozen world by robbing banks. Unfortunately for them, there is a police force that keeps an eye out for such things, and our sex criminals are now on guard against them. We learn a bit about one of the “cops” in this issue, that she’s a soccer mom whose job comes second to her precious kids. We also find out what happens when one smokes weed in frozen time. But best of all is Suzie’s roommate’s conclusion, that Suzie’s new boyfriend has gotten her hooked on public sex and now they’re planning bank heists together. In what world would one jump so readily to that conclusion? By the way, SC has the absolute best letters column ever. Even better than PREACHER’s. I love the sex tips at the top of each page. For example: “Nothing wrong with stopping at second base for the first few weeks. But if you were a pro baseball player I’d fucking fire you.” Or this: “Sex is a wonderful and natural way to discover if your partner is a lousy lay or not.” And be sure to check out Zdarsky’s pizza vagina.

FATALE #19: We’ve reached the end of another story arc, and it’s been a lot of fun to watch Brubaker return to his roots with a story like this. Of course it ends tragically. Maybe more tragic than on the surface, actually, considering the epilogue. Josephine has finally come back to herself. She knows who she is again, but there’s no way she can save the day, not for a group of people who were doomed from the very moment we met them. And then there’s Mr. Somerset, and I can’t wait to learn more about him. Brubaker says that the next story is going to be much different from anything else he’s done here. I have no choice but to believe him. This book defies expectations. It started with Lovecraftian noir, and it’s come so far, especially in the one-story issues. I can’t wait to see what’s next. (By the way, take a look at Sean Phillips’s illustration of Mr. Somerset above. I have never seen a creepier depiction of sheer joy in my life.)

THE WALKING DEAD #119: Truthfully, I haven’t been a big fan of ALL OUT WAR. It’s been a lot of build-up for very little payoff so far. Every time it looks like something big will happen, next to nothing does. This issue is probably going to lead to more of the same, but there are a few interesting things in here. For example, Michonne calls Ezekiel a pussy, and she’s right. Take his stupid fucking tiger away from him, and he’s a sniveling mess. Negan has arrived at the Community again, this time armed with explosives. And hey! We now know what happened to Holly. I swear to fuck, if this confrontation leads to more beating around the bush, I’m going to be sorely disappointed. (Also, pay attention to the letters column. Before, Kirkman has said this series could go on forever. Sure enough, it probably could. This is the first time that he’s admitted to working toward an actual ending. Don’t worry, though. We have plenty of time. He thinks he can tackle this in 300-500 issues.)

BROTHER LONO #7: This is it. The penultimate issue of this miniseries. And the moment we’ve all been waiting for is finally upon us. For six issues, Lono struggled with the beast inside of himself, doing his best to atone for his life of crime and sin. Last issue saw him captured, and now we witness his torture. Except it doesn’t end so well for his torturer as the real Lono rises from his self-imposed grave, ready to deal death to all who have it coming. ONE ISSUE TO GO!

COOL SHIT 9-12-13

KICK-ASS 3 #3:  Aw, man!  The BATMAN:  YEAR ONE plan didn’t work out.  That’s all right, I guess.  Things got pretty fucked up without it.  The Motherfucker is back in action, too, but the real star of this one was Hit-Girl and how she’s been conducting herself in prison.  Drinking whiskey, smoking cigarettes, and castrating drug dealers.  Good times.

THE WALKING DEAD #114:  The stage is set for “All Out War.”  Jesus did a lot of ass kicking this issue, more than you’ve ever seen him do before.  Hell, he managed to upstage Ezekiel’s tiger.  More importantly, Rick is constantly reminded of his fuck up by everyone else.  He’s been too undependable lately, so hopefully this shit gets him back in working order.  And Negan?  Oh, he’s pissed.  The shit hits the fan next month, and I can’t wait!

LOCKE & KEY:  ALPHA #1:  Wow.  Now we finally know Dodge’s plan, and holy shit, it’s even crazier and more destructive than anyone could imagine.  It’s much better than the usual rule-the-world bullshit.  A lot of the plot gets wrapped up in this issue.  People die, things are destroyed, and Tyler shows off a very valuable talent.  It looks like all that’s left is an epilogue.  That final panel is an absolute heart-breaker.  And check it out:  in the back, they show some pictures taken during the making of the ill-fated pilot episode of LOCKE & KEY.  It looks like things really came together on that pilot.  It’s a shame this is probably the closest we’ll ever come to seeing it.  1 ISSUE LEFT!

COOL SHIT 8-15-13

THE WALKING DEAD #113:  Last issue was pretty intense.  If you don’t think it can get any crazier, you don’t understand Robert Kirkman.  Now that Rick has pissed Negan off more than ever, it falls to his son to turn Negan into a supernova.  Wow.  Poor Lucille.  The only problem is, it seems like Carl has doomed three of the community’s citizens to death . . . .  That’s to say nothing about Andrea’s little problem in the bell tower.  Yeah, this one’s pretty intense.  But I think next one’s going to be even more intense.  And if you don’t think so, well, you know.  (Next issue is supposed to be the lead up to the next huge story arc, “All Out War,” and they’ve gotten mighty ambitious with the release schedule.  12 issues in 7 months?  I don’t know if they can pull that off.  We’ll see.)

COOL SHIT 7-11-13

NEXT TESTAMENT #2:  Ah.  It’s so good to have some new Clive Barker.  Since he’s lost himself in the world of ABARAT (which isn’t a terrible thing, by the way), he hasn’t had much time for anything else.  I’m glad to see him working in comics again, and this is a hell of a book.  In last issue, Julian Demonde (get it?) went in search of God and found Wick.  Wick is a multi-colored man-shaped being (complete with multi-colored speech bubbles), and while he claims to be the Father part of the Holy Trinity, I have a sneaking suspicion that he’s lying to everyone.  That wouldn’t be so strange for Barker fans.  Check out WEAVEWORLD if you don’t believe me.  In this issue, he blames all of the horrible acts of God—Sodom and Gomorrah, for example—on the Son and the Holy Spirit.  He also says that he fully intended Abraham to kill his son, but the others stopped him.  They locked him away for thousands of years, and now he’s back to check things out.  He’s constantly thrilled by the ways human beings have adapted when it comes to technology.  However, he’s disgusted with the greedy, slovenly scumbags human beings have become.  He laughed his way through the New Testament, and now he’s ready to deliver unto the world his Next Testament.  And he’s not fucking around.  The dinner party he throws so he can meet all the world’s most important people in one go is amazing and worth the price of admission on its own.  Ten more issues to go.

THE WALKING DEAD #112:  Of course.  What would Cool Shit be without talking about TWD?  And after last issue, you know this one is going to be fucked up.  Negan gutted Spencer, and now he’s kicking back and relaxing, ready to surprise Rick.  In the last few issues, Rick has been gathering his forces in an attempt to stage a coup.  But now that Negan has surprised him, he decides to jump the gun.  And then we find out just how cunning Negan really is.  Things get really intense by the end of this issue.  Next month will surely bring a lot of death.  Personally, I think Rick’s going to get the iron treatment.  It’s been a while since a major character has been mutilated . . . .

Incidentally, fuck the Governor.  Negan is by far the greatest villain of this series.  A part of me wants Kirkman to kill Rick off and use Negan as the protagonist instead.  I just hope that whenever his story is inevitably revealed, it’s not lame.

COOL SHIT 1-10-13

THE SECRET SERVICE #5:  Mark Millar continues to kick ass with the penultimate installment of the sister book to WANTED.  (Let’s face it, it’s WANTED but for good guys.)  As with all of his books, this one isn’t even finished, and already the movie is in preproduction.  And as always, it certainly deserves it, especially when we finally learn why the villain is trying to kidnap Hollywood celebrities.  This issue comes with a cameo from Ridley Scott.  Even better:  check out how this issue ends.  Holy fuck, right?  That’s pretty intense work, and I can’t wait to see how it all ends!

THE DARK TOWER:  SHEEMIE’S TALE #1:  For the most part, when this book covers material that Stephen King already covered in the DT books, it’s been kind of lame.  Very beautiful, but I’ve read it all before.  I want something new, like when Marvel first started adapting the series.  Finally, we get something different:  Sheemie’s story and how he wound up at the Devar-toi.  We get our first look of the Taheen, and we get to meet the Breakers, including Ted Brautigan, a major character from HEARTS IN ATLANTIS.  Artist Richard Isanove is a genius.  Check out some of the scenes where Sheemie works on breaking the Beams.  It’s some of the most beautiful artwork to appear in a comic book.

THE TRANSFORMERS:  ROBOTS IN DISGUISE #13:  More Starscream action as he talks with Megatron’s supposedly unconscious form.  Once again, it’s very interesting to get into Starscream’s head as he talks about how he’s manipulated everything so that the Decepticons would win Cybertron without ever firing a single shot.  Being that he’s a coward, he has to rely on a bloodless coup, and it’s amazing to see him practically begging Megatron to just let him finish with his plan.  Naturally, Megatron has other ideas.  So do Prowl and Arcee, for that matter.  It looks like things are heating up to a conclusion for this amazing political story.

THE WALKING DEAD #106:  Rick has been going crazy with Carl gone, but now that he knows where Negan is, he can only assume that the new villain has absconded with his son.  He’s gotten together with Andrea, Michonne, and Jesus to find this place and, wait.  He’s going to calmly ask for Carl back?!  Right, because Rick is still trying to lull Negan into a false sense of security with a bunch of submissive moves.  Too bad Negan is on his way to bring Carl back . . . and with a final panel like the one in this issue, I’m sure #107 is going to be pretty fucking harsh.