EVIL GOODNIGHT FUCKERS #5: WE THE OLIGARCHS PART THREE

 

FIRST AMENDMENT

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof (IT'S FREEDOM *OF* RELIGION *NOT* FREEDOM FROM RELIGION LIBERAL SCUM!), or abridging the freedom of speech (possibly a mistake, fucking BLM douchebags . . .), or of the press (FAKE NEWS!), or the right of the people to peaceably assemble (did you get the operative word there, antifa?), and to petition the government for a redress of grievances. That last part is probably a whoopsie. You, the people, will do as you're told. There will be no so-called "redress of grievances." One of the Jameses, Madison or Munroe, I can never tell them apart, probably put that in there as a joke.

SECOND AMENDMENT

A well-regulated militia (or any asshole with a chip on his shoulder), being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed. NO INFRINGING! That means we should be handing guns to the sickly and the mentally ill (but we should probably still make sure the person we're handing them to is white). And we should all have machine guns and rocket launchers and, yes, even a nuke.(Not more than one of those. That would be . . . excessive even for us.) I should be able to get all of these things on sale at Walmart during Black Friday.

THIRD AMENDMENT

No soldier shall in time of peace be quartered in any house without the owner's consent, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. Owners. Not renters. We're talking about oligarchs, yes? You, as the people, will yet again do as you're told. Wartime? Peacetime? We'll keep warriors for freedom in your hovel whether you like it or not. Why would you object? You're not a Commie, are you?

FOURTH AMENDMENT

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects, against any unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or Affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched and the persons or things to be seized. I feel this one's a mistake, too. If this is true, then all the cops who have murdered innocent Black men would be guilty of violating this Constitution. That can't be right, unless this is another whites-only amendment.

FIFTH AMENDMENT

Skip the text. This is the most important right after the 2nd Amendment. It means you have the right to not incriminate yourself. Also, if you kill someone and are found not guilty, even though you really did the crime, you can't be tried again. This is super important to have in your back pocket, especially when you're testifying before Congress. It also guarantees due process. Again, I think this only applies to white Americans.

SIXTH AMENDMENT

The right to a speedy and public trial. That's nice, but you don't want either of those things. Keep the public out of it if you can, and draw out the trial for as long as possible. This increases your chances of winning, and who knows? The other side might run out of money before finding you guilty! Remember, you are the oligarch. Not the sniveling people. You also have to know what you're being charged with and who is accusing you, which is a handicap for us. Do you realize how hard it is to try someone for a crime when they know what that crime is? It's a bureaucratic nightmare! Let's ditch this one. Wait, we also guarantee consul for these scumbags? Since when do criminals have rights?

SEVENTH AMENDMENT

If you're getting sued for more than twenty bucks, you have a right to a jury trial, but the results can't be reexamined by any other court. Seems shrewd.

EIGHTH AMENDMENT

Excessive bail and fines are bad. Which is a relief for us. We can afford those things. The people usually can't. Better that they should remain in jail until trial, anyway. Also, cruel and unusual punishment is forbidden. They can't possibly mean that. Every single one of our prisons is cruel and unusual. Shouldn't that kind of thing be mandatory? See above for my question regarding criminals and rights.

NINTH AMENDMENT

These rights are not the be-all, end-all rights of American citizens. This list of rights should not be interpreted as saying that any right not mentioned here is fair game. This is dangerous! The LGBTQ+ community could demand their rights using this amendment! Repeal! Or maybe we can go back in time and cut this part out before the second Constitution is signed. They had another amendment ready to go, so there would still be 10 of them in the Bill of Rights.

TENTH AMENDMENT

If the Constitution covers it, then it's federal. If not, then the states have to figure it out. I don't see abortion mentioned! So it's up to the states to ensure women must never have autonomous control over their bodies. That's their husbands' job. If she's unmarried, her father must control her. Or her brothers. Any male member of the family must step up. If there are none, just put her in prison. It's easier than trying to figure this one out.

ELEVENTH AMENDMENT

If the citizen in a case against the US is from another country, we won't handle it. Suck it, Frenchie! (Actually I don't know what this really means. Maybe the Frenchies are telling *us* to suck it?)

TWELFTH AMENDMENT

Electors send their voters to the seat of government to the President of the Senate (ie. the VP of the US), who will count ballots by hand. There's a lot of other stuff in here, but why go over it? We just witnessed our last election. Repeal!

THIRTEENTH AMENDMENT

Oof. Let's not talk about this one. Besides, it's a moot point. Soon we'll have slaves again, and America will be made great again!

FOURTEENTH AMENDMENT

SECTION 1: Were you born here or were naturalized? If yes to either one, then you're an American citizen! States can't make laws that violate this Constitution. Rich people only. Even the white poors are shit out of luck on this one.

SECTION 2: The number of Representatives is determined by the population of each state (not counting untaxed natives because fuck them). You have to be 21 years old to vote (which they sadly changed later; we should raise that age to 78). Also, you can't vote if you took part in rebellion (another post-Civil War amendment?) or if you've been charged with other crimes. Hm. Good thing no one knows about this. Did you see Trump brazenly voting on live television?

SECTION 3: If you took an oath of office and rebelled against the US anyway, you can't hold future office. What a harsh way of handling Confederate heroes! But with 2/3s of Congress that can change.

SECTION 4: The US public debt can never be questioned. How else can we spend unholy amounts of money on war--er, I mean, defense? We won't pay for anything incurred during insurrection, by the way.

SECTION 5: A useless section. A few of these amendments have such a section saying Congress has the ability to enforce this. Didn't you say earlier that they're the ones who make the laws? Why bring it up again? Several times? You high, bro?

FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT

The right to vote can't be denied or abridged. Fuck, we gotta stop clearing voter rolls? How else are we going to ensure that the lefties never get to vote? I'm not sure if we can rely on them making typos in the online forms. That's usually how we handle it. Does that mean that we have to acknowledge that it's possible for people to have the same name and birthdate? How are we going to hijack the republic? Oh right, we can ignore it. Good thing I remembered I'm a scumbag, myself.

SIXTEENTH AMENDMENT

Congress can tax citizens' income. Wait, so taxation is *not* theft? Are you sure?

SEVENTEENTH AMENDMENT

More boring Senate stuff. The governor of the state can temporarily fill vacancies until an election. Not even history professors will ask you about this one.

EIGHTEENTH AMENDMENT

The manufacture, sale and transport of booze is illegal. They said nothing about giving it as a gift. We just need to collect money for something else, that's all. Weird that Al Capone never figured that part out.

NINETEENTH AMENDMENT

Women get the right to vote. Yet they still vote men into office. Thank fuck!

TWENTIETH AMENDMENT

SECTION 1: The president must pass the torch on January 20 at noon. Representatives and Senators must do the same on January 3 at noon.

SECTION 2: Congress needs to meet on January 3, I assume for orientation?

SECTION 3: If the president dies before he can be sworn in, the veep takes over. Same if the president . . . doesn't qualify? Wait, so we can stop Trump from taking office? Better not let the libs find out about this. Can we redact this? I'll run a Sharpie across this part on the real Constitution. Also, if the veep doesn't qualify either, whatever that means, then Congress will figure it out.

SECTION 4: Congress will figure it out if there are no other options.

SECTION 5: This starts on October 15. I know you were really wondering about that.

TWENTY-FIRST AMENDMENT

The 18th Amendment is repealed! Yay! Except it's still illegal to deliver booze across state lines and other borders.

TWENTY-SECOND AMENDMENT

The president can't be elected more than twice. We sure learned our lesson from FDR! If you hold the office someone else was elected for for up to 2 years, you can still get elected twice. This doesn't apply to anyone in office at the time this amendment was proposed. Now that we have President-for-Life Trump, I'm sure we can dispense with this nonsense.

TWENTY-THIRD AMENDMENT

The seat of government determines electors. This is more bullshit meant to confuse the issue. Electors are important because if we became a democracy instead of pretending to be one like we do now, the peasants might elect someone who isn't bought and paid for by corporate interests. We must ensure that no one is elected who can destroy our precious system.

TWENTY-FOURTH AMENDMENT

Not paying taxes can't be used to prevent one from voting. No further evidence is needed to prove this country serves oligarchs, who pay zero taxes, and no one else. It's certainly not meant to benefit the poor! Nothing in this country is.

TWENTY-FIFTH AMENDMENT

SECTION 1: If the president dies or is removed, the veep takes over.

SECTION 2: If the veep dies or is removed, the president recommends a candidate for approval by Congress.

SECTION 3: If the president tells the President pro Tempore or the Speaker of the House that he can't continue his duties, the veep takes over.

SECTION 4: The veep can rat out the president if the president is incapable of performing his duties. I see you, JD Vance, you little shit weasel! Don't even think about it! (I apologize to shit weasels everywhere. It was not my intention to insult you. My apologies.) The president can be reinstated with a written declaration, and the veep and a majority of the executive branch must agree. The president has four (4) days to deny it. (Counting Sundays?) If Congress is not in session, they have 48 hours to be in session. They need 2/3s of the vote needed to deny the president's return.

TWENTY-SIXTH AMENDMENT

18 year olds can now vote. Bad idea. If they get sent to war and manage to come back home, they *won't* vote for the people who sent them there in the first place. Unacceptable.

TWENTY-SEVENTH AMENDMENT

This is a weird one. It was originally proposed at the first Convention as the original 11th Amendment. For some reason no one thought to bring it back for decades. It's about how much money Congress makes. Don't worry about it! Besides, considering the amount of graft they get up to, a dollar amount would be impossible to figure out!

TWENTY-EIGHTH AMENDMENT

Donald Jesus Trump is President-for-Life! And beyond. When his wretched and aged body finally gives out and he dies, we will worship him as a god if not the god. Okay, maybe I made this one up. But I'm sure it will come to pass soon.

This is the end of Evil Goodnight Fuckers. At long last. Our regularly scheduled programming returns tomorrow night.

EVIL GOODNIGHT FUCKERS #4: WE THE OLIGARCHS PART TWO

Glory be.

 

ARTICLE 3

SECTION 1: The Supreme Court. As opposed to all other courts, which the Constitution calls "inferior." Take that, you pisspoor local judges! I don't know what this part about "good Behavior" means, but it better not mean that our Justices can't commit crimes like accepting bribes. Without bribing them, our whole economy would collapse! And women would be free to get abortions! Get on that, Kavanaugh. I thought you were onboard with this kind of thing..

SECTION 2: This part is pretty boring. It lists the kinds of cases the Supreme Court can take. Listen, just do what we tell you to do. Don't worry about if it's legal or not. Just let your eyes glaze over. Also, all crimes are by jury EXCEPT impeachment, and they should be prosecuted in the state in which the crime occurred. Which is good news! Us Trumpsters are only committing crimes of the heart. Good luck finding a courtroom in my circulatory system! Oh wait. This says if there is no state in question, Congress gets to choose where the trial happens. Good thing we got the Senate! Now if only the House would fall in line . . .

SECTION 3: We can easily ignore this part. The definition of "treason" is about to change.

ARTICLE 4

SECTION 1: States get full "Faith and Credit." So go crazy, my dudes.

SECTION 2: Citizens of each state get the privileges of all states. Which means the definition of "citizen" is going to need to be changed, too. Also, if you're charged with a crime in one state and flee to another, the first state can demand you be returned, and the second state must comply. Which sucks. Why should Supreme Leader, who lived in New York and Florida, be subjected to Georgia laws? He's God's anointed. That's bullshit. Thankfully they added on the part that was used to justify returning slaves to their owners even if the slave was found in another state. That one came in pretty handy and will again soon, I'm sure.

SECTION 3: New states can be added to the Union. Thank fuck we were able to get Texas in. Those racist slavers helped get the Trumpster elected, after all. But for some reason the states can't be formed from land inside of an existing state without Congress's permission. Come on, guys. Do we really need a WEST Virginia? And what about Maine? It functioned perfectly when it was a part of Massachusetts! Also, Congress can make rules about federal territories. Like *that* needed to be said.

SECTION 4: This is where the United States declares itself to be a Republic, and that it will protect US citizens from invasion and domestic violence. There must be some kind of mistake. I'm not seeing the word "capitalism" here. Did they forget to mention that part? Similarly I don't see mention of "democracy," which is a relief. There are a lot of stupid people out there. We need Electors to make up for them.

ARTICLE 5

The Congress, whenever two thirds of both Houses shall deem it necessary, shall propose Amendments to this Constitution, or, on the Application of the Legislatures of two thirds of the several States, shall call a Convention for proposing Amendments, which, in either Case, shall be valid to all Intents and Purposes, as Part of this Constitution, when ratified by the Legislatures of three fourths of the several States, or by Conventions in three fourths thereof, as the one or the other Mode of Ratification may be proposed by the Congress; Provided that no Amendment which may be made prior to the Year One thousand eight hundred and eight shall in any Manner affect the first and fourth Clauses in the Ninth Section of the first Article; and that no State, without its Consent, shall be deprived of its equal Suffrage in the Senate.

[Regular John Bruni here. That's a direct quote of Article V. I'm not fucking with it. It's pretty important, actually. So memorize this. There will be a test later. To be continued in Goodnight, Fuckers #1000! OK, back to Evil John Bruni.]

ARTICLE 6

Thank fuck these are getting shorter. Anyway, all debts entered into before the signing of the Constitution will be honored under said Constitution. Nice try, freeloaders! It also says that this Constitution is the law of the land, so obey it. Also, everyone we just talked about have to swear an oath of office before assuming such jobs. Now we're talking! Oh wait, it also says that religious tests shall never be part of such oaths. But how are we going to make sure Christ stays in Christmas?

ARTICLE 7

We only have 9 out of 13 states agreeing to this Constitution. Good enough!

________________________________________________

sign your name and loyalty oath to Trump here

Yeah, yeah, there's more. I'm going to handle those pesky amendments tomorrow night.

EVIL GOODNIGHT FUCKERS #3: WE THE OLIGARCHS PART ONE

 

PREAMBLE

(that means introduction)

We the Oligarchs of the United States, in order to form a perfect Union ripe for the picking, establish Justice (for white landowning men only), insure domestic Trankwi . . . Trenqwill . . . fucking calm, provide eyewatering amounts of money for "defence," promote general Welfare and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves (and no one else) and our prosperity? No, that's not right. Uhhhhhhh our kids and our kids' kids and their, etc., do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

ARTICLE 1

SECTION 1: All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States, which shall consist of a Senate and House of Representatives, all of which are owned by their corporate sponsors.

SECTION 2: The House of Representatives shall be composed of Members (evil tee-hee!) chosen every second year by the Oligarchs of the several States, and the Electors in each state shall have the Qualifications requisite, and the Electors in each State shall have the Qualifications requisite for Electors of the most numerous Branch of the State Legislature, ensuring that we only have to deal with the politicians we bought and paid for. To be a Representative, you must be 25 at least and have lived in the United States for at least seven years. You also have to live in the state you're running in, beyotch. Yeah, let's skip the old timey talk. No one wants to hear that shit. I don't even know what most of these words mean, anyway. So here's where we learn that the number of Representatives depends on the number of people in your state. And by people, I mean white people. You get one for every 30,000, so states can have different numbers, but they are all required to have at least one. If one of the Democrats get busted for raping a child at a pizza place, then we get to do a writ of election to fill that vacant seat (good riddance, scum!) You know, I don't feel so bad about those big words now. The Founding Fathers apparently thought "choose" was spelled "chuse." And they capitalize weird words. What a bunch'a maroons.

SECTION 3: Each state gets two senators. You gotta be 30 years old at least, lived in the country for nine and must live in the state you represent. Which sucks because who the hell wants to live in Georgia? You mean you can't be a senator for GA and live in the much more reasonable Delaware? When will the woke madness stop? The veep gets to be the president of the Senate, but the veep doesn't get a vote unless it's as a tiebreaker. The Senate also gets to replace the veep should the veep be promoted to President of the US or should the veep be missing. Also, they get to be in charge of impeachments. Where they fuck were they for Obama? Clinton? Biden? But we're all too familiar with this part. Unless you have a very short memory. It also says they can only remove the president from office and forbid that president from ever holding office again. Our boy Trump's got two of these suckers under his belt (the one his kids are so rightly familiar with), and he still got elected again! YEE-HAW!

SECTION 4: The States get to choose how to run their elections. I'm sure that will stop once we have King Trump ruling over us all. O glory day!

SECTION 5: Blah, blah, blah, more election rules and the keeping of minutes, etc. I'm sure we can get rid of this part, too.

SECTION 6: Congress gets paid from the Treasury. They're also exempt from being arrested except in cases of Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace. Hey, wait a minute! Thank fuck they didn't mention the Executive in this one! Only the plebs in Congress have to deal with Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace. Also, the Congresspuppets can't hold any other office but the one they were just elected for. This part also mentions "emoluments." It sounds dirty, but it's not. Oh well. No evil tee-hee for this one.

SECTION 7: All bills for collecting money from the peasants must start in the House. The bill must pass the House and then the Senate, but before it becomes Law, the President must see it and sign it. Or he can veto it if he's a dirty Commie. Thankfully we have a way to ignore such gestures: it must go back to the House, pass with two-thirds, do the same with the Senate, and then fuck the president and all he stands for. The president has 10 days (not counting Sundays) to sign or veto or it will become a law whether he likes it or not.

SECTION 8 (appropriately) gives Congress the right to tax the fuck out of the commoners, but never out of we the oligarchs. Never us. It then tells us what Congress can do with that money. This is where my eyes glaze over. Do you pay attention to the food that your food eats? Of course not. Why would you care about the money your money is spending? Just leave it up to us. We're smarter than you and better at everything.

SECTION 9: MEGO: MY EYES GLAZE OVER. Oh wait, there's that thing about Habeas Corpus! Never suspend it, my dude. Unless, of course, you're facing a rebellion or an invasion or like, say, in times of civil war? That Lincoln fella makes me laugh. Here's also where the rule about not having nobility in this country is. More to the point, no one who holds office may profit from royalty or bureaucrats, etc. Hm. This one's a little tough. King Trump really does have a nice ring, no? And does this mean he has to give up the Trump Media Group? He didn't do it last time, so I'm guessing we're still cool to ignore this part. Keep it on the books in case a tricksey Democrat gets elected.

SECTION 10: The States have to abide by those rules, too. Also, they can't make their own money. That's why you don't have to hit a bank every time you cross state lines. That would be annoying. Also, the States can't have military forces of their own. I think we can talk our way out of this one, though. Texas could probably do this. Texas could do anything. In Texas you're asked to leave your guns in the car if you're going to the bank. It's just a suggestion, not a requirement. You never know if you're going to need to shoot a bunch of illegals with an AR-15 even in such an august financial institution as a bank.

ARTICLE 2

SECTION 1: Here's a bunch of stuff that the People don't need to know. They will never need to know presidential details now that we have our President-for-Life Donald Jesus Trump. This is where the juicy details are, so I'm not obliged to share them with the public. Wanna know how the Electoral College works? Fuck you! That's how. To be president you must be 35 at least, have lived in the United States for 14 years and must be a natural born citizen. They shrewdly added the part about being a legal US citizen at the time of the signing of the Constitution, or the Founding Fathers would have never had the chance to run the country! It also give the rules for replacing a president for any reason, but we all know what JD Vance has in mind. Good luck, buddy, but you're not taking the big dog down anytime soon. You fuck couches. He fucks supermodels. This is also where the oath of loyalty is. Honestly, do we need that? He's the boss. C'mon, guys.

SECTION 2: The president is in charge of the armed forces as commander-in-chief. He also has the ability to issue pardons! It would help a lot of the January 6 rio--er, patriots! Provided that Trump will actually follow through. Spoiler alert: he never follows through. Those patriots are fucked. If you have any doubts, ask Rudy Giuliani about how quickly he got his money out of the former and soon-to-be president. (Hint: HE DIDN'T! And he was America's mayor . . .)

SECTION 3: The president is expected to give a state of the union address to Congress from time to time. But they never gave permission to televise it, the rat bastards.

SECTION 4: The president and the VP can only be removed from office for Treason, Bribery and other high crimes and misdemeanors. See? Nothing about felonies! Although we may want to ixnay on the easontray . . .

All right. That's enough bullshit for tonight. We'll continue this tomorrow.