FIRST AMENDMENT
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof (IT'S FREEDOM *OF* RELIGION *NOT* FREEDOM FROM RELIGION LIBERAL SCUM!), or abridging the freedom of speech (possibly a mistake, fucking BLM douchebags . . .), or of the press (FAKE NEWS!), or the right of the people to peaceably assemble (did you get the operative word there, antifa?), and to petition the government for a redress of grievances. That last part is probably a whoopsie. You, the people, will do as you're told. There will be no so-called "redress of grievances." One of the Jameses, Madison or Munroe, I can never tell them apart, probably put that in there as a joke.
SECOND AMENDMENT
A well-regulated militia (or any asshole with a chip on his shoulder), being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed. NO INFRINGING! That means we should be handing guns to the sickly and the mentally ill (but we should probably still make sure the person we're handing them to is white). And we should all have machine guns and rocket launchers and, yes, even a nuke.(Not more than one of those. That would be . . . excessive even for us.) I should be able to get all of these things on sale at Walmart during Black Friday.
THIRD AMENDMENT
No soldier shall in time of peace be quartered in any house without the owner's consent, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. Owners. Not renters. We're talking about oligarchs, yes? You, as the people, will yet again do as you're told. Wartime? Peacetime? We'll keep warriors for freedom in your hovel whether you like it or not. Why would you object? You're not a Commie, are you?
FOURTH AMENDMENT
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects, against any unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or Affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched and the persons or things to be seized. I feel this one's a mistake, too. If this is true, then all the cops who have murdered innocent Black men would be guilty of violating this Constitution. That can't be right, unless this is another whites-only amendment.
FIFTH AMENDMENT
Skip the text. This is the most important right after the 2nd Amendment. It means you have the right to not incriminate yourself. Also, if you kill someone and are found not guilty, even though you really did the crime, you can't be tried again. This is super important to have in your back pocket, especially when you're testifying before Congress. It also guarantees due process. Again, I think this only applies to white Americans.
SIXTH AMENDMENT
The right to a speedy and public trial. That's nice, but you don't want either of those things. Keep the public out of it if you can, and draw out the trial for as long as possible. This increases your chances of winning, and who knows? The other side might run out of money before finding you guilty! Remember, you are the oligarch. Not the sniveling people. You also have to know what you're being charged with and who is accusing you, which is a handicap for us. Do you realize how hard it is to try someone for a crime when they know what that crime is? It's a bureaucratic nightmare! Let's ditch this one. Wait, we also guarantee consul for these scumbags? Since when do criminals have rights?
SEVENTH AMENDMENT
If you're getting sued for more than twenty bucks, you have a right to a jury trial, but the results can't be reexamined by any other court. Seems shrewd.
EIGHTH AMENDMENT
Excessive bail and fines are bad. Which is a relief for us. We can afford those things. The people usually can't. Better that they should remain in jail until trial, anyway. Also, cruel and unusual punishment is forbidden. They can't possibly mean that. Every single one of our prisons is cruel and unusual. Shouldn't that kind of thing be mandatory? See above for my question regarding criminals and rights.
NINTH AMENDMENT
These rights are not the be-all, end-all rights of American citizens. This list of rights should not be interpreted as saying that any right not mentioned here is fair game. This is dangerous! The LGBTQ+ community could demand their rights using this amendment! Repeal! Or maybe we can go back in time and cut this part out before the second Constitution is signed. They had another amendment ready to go, so there would still be 10 of them in the Bill of Rights.
TENTH AMENDMENT
If the Constitution covers it, then it's federal. If not, then the states have to figure it out. I don't see abortion mentioned! So it's up to the states to ensure women must never have autonomous control over their bodies. That's their husbands' job. If she's unmarried, her father must control her. Or her brothers. Any male member of the family must step up. If there are none, just put her in prison. It's easier than trying to figure this one out.
ELEVENTH AMENDMENT
If the citizen in a case against the US is from another country, we won't handle it. Suck it, Frenchie! (Actually I don't know what this really means. Maybe the Frenchies are telling *us* to suck it?)
TWELFTH AMENDMENT
Electors send their voters to the seat of government to the President of the Senate (ie. the VP of the US), who will count ballots by hand. There's a lot of other stuff in here, but why go over it? We just witnessed our last election. Repeal!
THIRTEENTH AMENDMENT
Oof. Let's not talk about this one. Besides, it's a moot point. Soon we'll have slaves again, and America will be made great again!
FOURTEENTH AMENDMENT
SECTION 1: Were you born here or were naturalized? If yes to either one, then you're an American citizen! States can't make laws that violate this Constitution. Rich people only. Even the white poors are shit out of luck on this one.
SECTION 2: The number of Representatives is determined by the population of each state (not counting untaxed natives because fuck them). You have to be 21 years old to vote (which they sadly changed later; we should raise that age to 78). Also, you can't vote if you took part in rebellion (another post-Civil War amendment?) or if you've been charged with other crimes. Hm. Good thing no one knows about this. Did you see Trump brazenly voting on live television?
SECTION 3: If you took an oath of office and rebelled against the US anyway, you can't hold future office. What a harsh way of handling Confederate heroes! But with 2/3s of Congress that can change.
SECTION 4: The US public debt can never be questioned. How else can we spend unholy amounts of money on war--er, I mean, defense? We won't pay for anything incurred during insurrection, by the way.
SECTION 5: A useless section. A few of these amendments have such a section saying Congress has the ability to enforce this. Didn't you say earlier that they're the ones who make the laws? Why bring it up again? Several times? You high, bro?
FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT
The right to vote can't be denied or abridged. Fuck, we gotta stop clearing voter rolls? How else are we going to ensure that the lefties never get to vote? I'm not sure if we can rely on them making typos in the online forms. That's usually how we handle it. Does that mean that we have to acknowledge that it's possible for people to have the same name and birthdate? How are we going to hijack the republic? Oh right, we can ignore it. Good thing I remembered I'm a scumbag, myself.
SIXTEENTH AMENDMENT
Congress can tax citizens' income. Wait, so taxation is *not* theft? Are you sure?
SEVENTEENTH AMENDMENT
More boring Senate stuff. The governor of the state can temporarily fill vacancies until an election. Not even history professors will ask you about this one.
EIGHTEENTH AMENDMENT
The manufacture, sale and transport of booze is illegal. They said nothing about giving it as a gift. We just need to collect money for something else, that's all. Weird that Al Capone never figured that part out.
NINETEENTH AMENDMENT
Women get the right to vote. Yet they still vote men into office. Thank fuck!
TWENTIETH AMENDMENT
SECTION 1: The president must pass the torch on January 20 at noon. Representatives and Senators must do the same on January 3 at noon.
SECTION 2: Congress needs to meet on January 3, I assume for orientation?
SECTION 3: If the president dies before he can be sworn in, the veep takes over. Same if the president . . . doesn't qualify? Wait, so we can stop Trump from taking office? Better not let the libs find out about this. Can we redact this? I'll run a Sharpie across this part on the real Constitution. Also, if the veep doesn't qualify either, whatever that means, then Congress will figure it out.
SECTION 4: Congress will figure it out if there are no other options.
SECTION 5: This starts on October 15. I know you were really wondering about that.
TWENTY-FIRST AMENDMENT
The 18th Amendment is repealed! Yay! Except it's still illegal to deliver booze across state lines and other borders.
TWENTY-SECOND AMENDMENT
The president can't be elected more than twice. We sure learned our lesson from FDR! If you hold the office someone else was elected for for up to 2 years, you can still get elected twice. This doesn't apply to anyone in office at the time this amendment was proposed. Now that we have President-for-Life Trump, I'm sure we can dispense with this nonsense.
TWENTY-THIRD AMENDMENT
The seat of government determines electors. This is more bullshit meant to confuse the issue. Electors are important because if we became a democracy instead of pretending to be one like we do now, the peasants might elect someone who isn't bought and paid for by corporate interests. We must ensure that no one is elected who can destroy our precious system.
TWENTY-FOURTH AMENDMENT
Not paying taxes can't be used to prevent one from voting. No further evidence is needed to prove this country serves oligarchs, who pay zero taxes, and no one else. It's certainly not meant to benefit the poor! Nothing in this country is.
TWENTY-FIFTH AMENDMENT
SECTION 1: If the president dies or is removed, the veep takes over.
SECTION 2: If the veep dies or is removed, the president recommends a candidate for approval by Congress.
SECTION 3: If the president tells the President pro Tempore or the Speaker of the House that he can't continue his duties, the veep takes over.
SECTION 4: The veep can rat out the president if the president is incapable of performing his duties. I see you, JD Vance, you little shit weasel! Don't even think about it! (I apologize to shit weasels everywhere. It was not my intention to insult you. My apologies.) The president can be reinstated with a written declaration, and the veep and a majority of the executive branch must agree. The president has four (4) days to deny it. (Counting Sundays?) If Congress is not in session, they have 48 hours to be in session. They need 2/3s of the vote needed to deny the president's return.
TWENTY-SIXTH AMENDMENT
18 year olds can now vote. Bad idea. If they get sent to war and manage to come back home, they *won't* vote for the people who sent them there in the first place. Unacceptable.
TWENTY-SEVENTH AMENDMENT
This is a weird one. It was originally proposed at the first Convention as the original 11th Amendment. For some reason no one thought to bring it back for decades. It's about how much money Congress makes. Don't worry about it! Besides, considering the amount of graft they get up to, a dollar amount would be impossible to figure out!
TWENTY-EIGHTH AMENDMENT
Donald Jesus Trump is President-for-Life! And beyond. When his wretched and aged body finally gives out and he dies, we will worship him as a god if not the god. Okay, maybe I made this one up. But I'm sure it will come to pass soon.
This is the end of Evil Goodnight Fuckers. At long last. Our regularly scheduled programming returns tomorrow night.
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