HOW TO FUCK UP A PORNO

Stymied by a long list of cinematic failures, many of which, like PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE, GLEN OR GLENDA?, and NIGHT OF THE GHOULS, are today considered cult classics, auteur Ed Wood finally decided to stop trying. His standards fell with THE SINISTER URGE, a sexploitation classic, until finally he hit rock bottom with the hard-to-find NECROMANIA (1971). As he grew older, he realized that the cheapest kind of movie to make was porn, which was perfect for him. Until recently, one could only find the softcore (or HOT) version of this movie. Now, Fleshbot Films has released the uncut (or HOT HOT HOT) version of this “tale of weird love.”

Here’s the premise: Danny and Shirley are a young couple who are having intimacy issues. They have gone to Madame Heles, who is supposedly a sex therapist (as far as the ‘Seventies had sex therapists), to help them recharge their life between the sheets. When it’s put like this, it’s almost classy, like those Nina Hartley how-to DVD’s. Ah, but this is Ed Wood, remember. If anyone can fuck up a porno, it’s him.

First of all, it should be mentioned that the cast and crew wished to remain nameless, for the very obvious reason that shooting porn was illegal back then. Not even Wood himself (and he does have kind of a porno name, anyway) wanted his name on it, choosing to use his pseudonym, Don Miller. Also, this film had to be shot with two cameramen because one of them was disgusted with the prospect of recording penetration and cum shots. And Wood wanted longtime collaborator, Vampira, to play Madame Heles. Vampira turned him down as soon as she read the script, claiming that she’d be committing career suicide. She would have been right, considering how the movie ends with Heles giving Danny a blowjob. More on that later.

Only Criswell was willing to help out by loaning Wood his famed coffin. More on that later, too.

So, how does one ruin a porno? For starters, one can film an insanely long establishing shot showing the couple driving on their way to Madame Heles’ place. Then, one can throw a ton of mystic bullshit on the screen like a monkey hurling its own feces. As it turns out (and this is a spoiler alert, if you care), Madame Heles uses the sex therapist thing as a cover. She is really a sexual vampire who needs to be powered by people all around her fucking at all times. Those who don’t have any dysfunctions at all are thrown into a room where they do nothing but fuck each other . . . forever. This room, by the way, is portrayed twice, and both times it is through a weird, foggy filter so you can only vaguely tell that they are fucking. The number one cardinal rule of porn IS TO SHOW THE FUCKING. Thank you, Mr. Wood.

If you’re still having problems, then Madame Heles’ solution is to drag you into her coffin (YES, COFFIN; remember Criswell’s contribution?) to have sex with her until you’re fixed. This is where Danny winds up, getting his dick sucked, so he can be repaired before he’s thrown into the Perpetual Fucking Room.

Let’s see . . . how else can you destroy a porno? Perhaps by having most of the action be lame? For example, the actors (if they can be called such; porn isn’t known for winning Academy Awards, but still . . .) are expert leg and belly lickers. When someone’s about to go down on a girl, they waste untold minutes lapping away at their partners’ bellies or perhaps the insides of their thighs.

Maybe this is a godsend, though, considering that when they actually get down to their hirsute destinations, the hardcore action is kind of . . . embarrassing. Their faces are almost bored, and their movements awkward. Sometimes, things come off as silly, like when Madame Heles’ assistant masturbates with a skull. It’s so bad that when the words THE END appear on the forehead of a skull at the end, it’s actually a relief.

NECROMANIA is undeniably one of the worst movies ever made, but because of Ed Wood’s sensibilities, it’s also the weirdest porno ever made. How many other skin flicks have you seen that make a Bela Lugosi reference right off the bat?

NECROMANIA
Fleshbot Films
1971
55 minutes