EVERYONE'S GOT ONE #4: WHY THE THIN MAN REMAKE IS A BAD IDEA

When I was a kid, I saw THE MALTESE FALCON for the first time, and it blew me the fuck away. Sam Spade was just about the coolest guy ever, and I had to know more about him. I hunted down the book, read it cover to cover, and fell even more in love with Spade and his action. So naturally, I wanted to find out more about the writer, Dashiell Hammet. I wanted to read more of his stuff.



Then, I stumbled upon the movie, THE THIN MAN, and I have to confess: I didn’t get it. It didn’t appeal to me. Hey, I was a kid. I didn’t know any better. My idea of entertainment back then was limited to Stephen King and extreme horror movies. So I dismissed the movie, and I didn’t bother with the book.


And then I got older. I discovered women and booze and found out that things other than brutal killings and eviscerations could entertain me. Years after I’d first seen THE THIN MAN, I came across the book. What the fuck? Why not give it a shot?


Guess what: I loved it. Loved the shit out of it. Nick and Nora Charles were fun as all hell. I remembered my experience with the movie when I was younger and wondered if it would be different with my older eyes.


You bet it was. Nick Charles somehow became wittier in the embodiment of William Powell, and need I say how incredibly sexy and lovable Myrna Loy was as Nora Charles? Jesus, I fell in love with her right away. She was everything I wanted in a woman, and moreso: she could give Nick a run for his money when it came to alcohol consumption. As someone who appreciates booze, I found this fact enchanting.


For most of my life, I’ve been a Rita Hayworth kind of guy, but when I rewatched THE THIN MAN, I knew I could not have anyone other than Myrna Loy. I wanted Nora Charles, and I wanted to be Nick Charles. It opened my eyes to the screwball mystery.


Now that my fan credentials have been established, let me tell you about how disappointed I am that they’re planning a remake of THE THIN MAN, starring Johnny Depp. I don’t object to the casting of Depp, who is an excellent actor. If anyone doubts that, they’ve never seen FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS or THE LIBERTINE. Here’s the thing: no one can fill Powell’s shoes. The same goes for Loy’s high heels.


But that’s neither here nor there. The simple fact of the matter is, this story can’t be told now, unless the director intends to parody the ‘Forties. If it’s going to be an update, as it surely will be, they’re going to have to change every detail. By today’s standards, Nick is a raving alcoholic. Remember all those thugs he used to run into? Can anyone tell a story about delightful criminals now?


No, THE THIN MAN is a product of its time, and it just can’t translate to today’s world. Think about the language of the film. Can you see anyone seriously saying things like “youse mugs” or “two-bit hood” or “slip him a mickey” in today’s language? There’s a reason why they don’t make ‘em like Nick and Nora anymore: it’s a different world.


Speaking of which, who exactly is Hollywood remaking this movie for? They generally target teenagers or twentysomethings, who wouldn’t give two tugs of a dead dog’s cock for the original movie. Have they even heard of it?


Then surely they’re remaking it for the oldsters, right? Except they don’t approve of remakes as a general principle (and really, who can blame them?). In fact, if there are any old people reading this (don’t laugh; it’s possible), they’re probably groaning and shaking their heads and asking why.


That’s actually a good question. Why are you doing this, Hollywood? Who are you serving to get this done? Do you just have a surplus of money and don’t know what to do with it? Why not make an original movie with Johnny Depp and some hot new actress as a married couple who solve crimes? Why drag down the good name of THE THIN MAN?


Any thoughts?