Friday, January 17, 2014


From @jesus_m_christ on Twitter

All right, Future Booze Jesus has been gone for longer than three days, but now HE IS MOTHERFUCKING RISEN! This will probably be his final appearance, since I’m only allowing myself to get plastered once a month. Thanks to a liberal dose of Wild Turkey 101 and some moonshine my cousin made for me for Christmas, I officially have new FBJ advice for you. But to quote a great man, “Enough of this palaver! Let’s get this show on the road!”

Fitz asks: How do you invite a malevolent spirit to leave?

FBJ says: Say, “FUCK YOU! DIE! ARGH!”

[EDITOR: Uh, FBJ. You used to be funnier than that. Can’t you elaborate?


EDITOR: Come on. You’re not even trying.

FBJ: *sigh* Fine.]

FBJ adds: First shout all of that stuff. If it doesn’t work, get naked. Wave your dick at the malevolent spirit. This will cause one of two things to happen: either it will leave, and we’re done, or it will bite your dick off. But don’t worry, there are more things we can try. Try cooking fish. They hate that smell. Fling your shit around. Blow your nose on the carpet. Things like that. If all else fails, start watching BIG BANG THEORY, but be very careful. It will definitely get rid of the malevolent spirit, but at the same time, you’re putting yourself at risk of suicide. NEXT QUESTION!

Leo asks: Why do children make the best victims?

FBJ says: Because they’re impressionable. And delicious. And if you kill enough of them, you’ll win the Mega Millions and the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes at the same time. It’s in the Bible. Next question!

Jon asks: Why are red fluids oozing out of my dick? Should I taste them?

FBJ says: YOU FOOL! Stop fingerbanging your dickhole! Or at least trim your nails before you do it. But since it is happening, you might as well taste it. Who knows? It could cure cancer. Dad loves weird scientific discoveries like that. NEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXT QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESTION!

Skalski asks: Is the universe really a hologram?

FBJ says: Worse. We are all the fevered jerk-off dream of a drooling pedophile at the center of the real universe. Remember: the next time you scratch your asshole hard enough to make it bleed, it’s fate. You were meant to do that. And every time you pick your nose and eat your findings, the dreamer who made you up is masturbating. Fervently. Whenever he cums, he creates a new universe, but we’ll never enjoy it because we’re all in his head. Next que—er. Hm. Force of habit. Sorry.

All right, that’s everything. I had a few more questions from Fitz, but they were all references to things only a handful of people would understand. Besides, he already got his responses via text while I was blacked out. FBJ predicted the death of a friend he and I have in common, and if he really dies in 2024, I will start an FBJ cult. For real. No kidding.

Anyway, I guess FBJ is returning to the cave, or wherever he goes when I’m sober. Don’t worry. I plan on becoming an absolute animal for the week of my birthday this year. I’m sure he’ll rise again.

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