Thursday, May 7, 2015


When I took this week off, I did so with the understanding that I would do next to nothing the whole time, that I would stay off my ass due to my broken tailbone to give it a chance to heal before I had to go back to my desk job, where I spend 8 hours a day sitting on the broken bone that should be healing. A lot of shit came up. There's some shit that I'm not ready to talk about yet. It's fucking grim, but I . . . I'm just not ready to go there yet.

Today, I promised myself I would do nothing but indulge my new Netflix habit. The only thing I did today was cash my paycheck. Aside from that, I spent the day in bed watching Netflix, and I'm very proud of that. I loaded down with painkillers and stayed off my ass. The only time I sat down was long enough to drive to the bank on my doughnut. And to McDonald's for lunch. But that's it. How did my day go?

Very nice, actually. I remember being an hour in and feeling very distant from myself, as if I were floating above my body watching me watching Netflix. Wonderful. My entire body was numb, and I didn't even want to move to dispel the feeling.

And then I turned over. Much to my surprise, I had a heavy dick. Usually that's a nice feeling, but today it was annoying. It was made even worse by the hole in my boxers, which I kept sticking out of. My dick got in the way of everything as I shifted around to make sure none of my body started suffering pins and needles. My balls annoyed me even more because they hung down waaaaaay lower than usual. I had to keep them out of the way when I took a shit earlier today.

By the sixth hour, the inevitable happened: my heavy dick turned into a full-on erection. Nothing prompted it, which is kind of weird. Usually, at the very least it takes a car ride to get things moving down there. This came as a result of nothing. There wasn't even a sexually suggestive scene on Netflix. It just happened.

I decided to get rid of this unwanted boner. It took me a while to find a comfortable position, and I started jerking off. Except . . . I didn't feel anything. My entire body, my dick included, felt numb. These painkillers took away the joy of masturbation. How horrible is that?

Not that bad, actually. I'd rather have no pain and an awkward hard-on than have a satisfied dick with horrible pain. Still, this marks the first time I've ever failed to jerk off. Although I am getting used to these pills, so . . . I wonder if I need to start doubling up on this shit. Ha-ha, just kidding. I think.

I just realized that it would have been very awkward if I'd died in that moment. How often do paramedics have to haul out corpses with full hard-ons? I keep thinking about the body bag tenting up in the middle, and reporters staring at it, laughing with their hands over their microphones.

Tomorrow is the last day of my vacation, and I have to do shit, sadly. But I hope to dedicate most of my day to further exploration of Netflix. That feeling of zoning out to nearly the point of paralysis? That felt pretty good. Peaceful. I'd like to experience that again before I have to go to work.

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