GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #238: ROGUE ONE

Just to warn you, spoilers will be flying all over this mutha. If you haven't seen the movie yet, do NOT continue to read.
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If you're one of those assholes who is complaining about the CGI resurrection of Grand Moff Tarkin, you can go fuck yourself. We just got ourselves a new Peter Cushing movie, and he's been dead for ages. The tech isn't 100%, but it's really fucking good. You can barely tell the difference. Remember when Tales from the Crypt brought Bogie back for that one episode? We've come a long way, and I think we're finally ready to bring back other big screen greats. MORE JOHN WAYNE MOVIES, PLEASE!


And the young CGI Leia? More of that, please. MORE CLINT EASTWOOD AS A YOUNG MAN MOVIES, PLEASE!


Aside from that, I had a bit of difficulty getting into this movie, but when it clicked, it really fucking clicked. For a while I was kind of cruising on it being the Star Wars Guardians of the Galaxy (minus the classic rock), and then something happened that made me realize something horrible. When K-2SO got killed, I suddenly realized that the stakes were a lot higher for our ragtag team of rebels. In the back of my mind I realized that, holy shit. No one is making it out of this story alive. This is about sacrifice for the greater good. There was a part of my brain that said no, they don't have the balls to do this. Disney can't possibly let this happen. There needs to be a sequel for marketing purposes. You can't sell variant toys for characters who were in one movie and then died horribly.


And then other characters started dying. And then there was the end of the battle. Jyn and Cassian kneeling on the beach, desperately clutching each other as their fiery doom came closer and closer and . . . and killed them. That was a powerful moment. The heroes all fucking die. Granted, the hero of this story doesn't go crazy with grief and kill a bunch of children and get chopped to pieces by his father figure and left to burn to death in lava, but still. That's a pretty fucking dark ending.


But the answer is hope. I don't have a lot of that. I'm a cynical piece of shit. If I didn't know that Rogue One's efforts actually made a difference, I probably would have expressed my doubts.


Don't forget about Mads Mikkelsen, whose Galen had one of the most heroic moments in the movie. He's the guy who ratted out the Death Star to the rebels, but the Empire decides that it's one of the engineers because Galen is too good of an actor. They send a goon squad to assassinate the scientists behind the Death Star . . . and Galen jumps in front of them all to save them. He's the one they want. He could have kept his mouth shut, and a half-dozen dudes would have been gunned down, but he would have still been alive. And he sacrificed himself only to watch them all get murdered anyway. That's pretty fucking scary.


Best of all, I highly suspect that this movie exists solely to shut pedantic fanboys the fuck up. One of the big things that Star Wars superfans like to rant about is how easy it was to blow up the Death Star. This movie explains that away in a wonderful way. Hey guys. The Death Star was supposed to be bombed out of existence. If the Empire wants to go home again, it's going to have to do so with a shovel. Galen built the Death Star under duress. Hence the Death Star-explody-hack. Now stop fuckin' complaining.


So yeah. I loved the movie. I saw someone joking about making ROGUE TWO starring the many Bothans who died to get the Death Star plans. There is a watch-it-all-burn part of me that kind of wants to see that. But no. We got what we needed out of ROGUE ONE. Now I look forward to seeing episode eight, which will hopefully have nothing to do with a Death Star or anything Death Star-ish. I've had my fill. Let's move on. Say what you will about the prequels; at least they didn't have Death Stars . . .


































PS: It was good to finally see Darth Vader's crib. Very Sauron of him.