 |
| It might as well be like that. |
So yeah. I'm falling apart, and all the king's horses and men couldn't put me back together again. And why the fuck would you let the horses have their shot?! Also . . .
 |
| GASP! |
This could go a long way toward explaining why I lose my shit every once in a while. Let's see . . . you all know I only have four toes on my right foot, and my left foot broke and didn't heal right, so now I get around with a brace and, on bad days, a cane. What you didn't know, because I've told no one, is that I had another toe problem. I woke up one day with black all around the toe next to my stump. The last time that happened, I lost a toe. I figured I'd be down to a grand total of 8, and it fucked me up. It took me a while, but I discovered that it wasn't actually dried blood. I'd been wearing a black sock, and the fuzz on the inside stuck to that toe for some reason. That was a crisis averted, but don't forget the hole in my left foot that was very, very real. It's mostly healed. It's a dry pad on a bump where the hole was, so it's not going to lead to an amputated foot.
Yet.
I really miss walking. I used to walk all the time. 2 miles a night most times. Sometimes I'd squeeze in an extra mile. I liked doing that. Now I can't even walk around the block without being in sheer agony.
Just before I turned 43 this year, my joints all revolted against me. My knees, my ankles, my elbows and shoulders. My wrists. Or, rather, wrist. I'm down to one good limb. My left arm is still going strong, and I can only attribute it to rigorous masturbation. It's kept lefty in shape. The rest of my body is in constant pain. Sometimes it hurts to stand up. Sometimes it hurts to sit down. Hell, it just hurts, all right? My neverending tennis elbow probably isn't helping matters. It should have healed months ago.
Many of you don't know that the week before last I was in the hospital again. I could have sworn that it was my pancreatitis acting up again. It turns out that it was behaving like it should. My kidneys, on the other hand, were failing me. I was told that if this continues, I wouldn't last the year. I need potassium, so I've been gobbling supplements, and it seems to be helping. What didn't help was the bacterial infection in my stomach, and this one was actually contagious. It's been known to kill people, even. It's on the ropes now. I have one more day of antibiotics, and it's done.
My liver? Still killin' like a champ. Zero liver problems. One would think that it would have jumped ship by now, considering all the whiskey I've shoved through it. Still performing like a pro.
My dentist thinks that in a couple of years I'll start losing my lower front teeth. They don't look all that hot, anyway, but still, that would suck. So far the only ones I've lost are molars, which I was able to replace discreetly. Replacing front teeth will be a fucking pain in the ass.
My eyes. One of them has been losing vision for the last few weeks. I figured it was the 'Beetus rearing its ugly head and started preparing for a life of being blind. My eye doctor dilated my eyes, and much to my surprise (and his), all the minor indications of diabetic retinopathy I'd had before were gone! I just had a giant floater in my right eye. They could repair it with years of surgery, but let's not fucking think about that. I'm stuck with the floater for the rest of my life.
My mental health: not good. There are a lot of things I have to deal with, especially the prospect of possibly being homeless soon. And then there's the biggest problem, which I can't talk about here because it involves someone else's mental illness. Like I said in my psych ward serial, crazy is contagious. I know from experience.
Oh yeah, the front of my car fell off because . . . who really knows? I hit a pothole, and that was that. It's still in the shop. I was told by my insurance company that they might not cover it, although thankfully that's not the case. I'm just stuck without my car for who knows how long? I'm hoping I can get it Friday, but that's not set in stone. It's not even set in an Etch-a-Sketch.
This has dragged on for too long. Who really wants to read this depressing shit? It's not even the complete list. I could probably go on for another hour or so. Fuck it. I'm going to bed. Hopefully when I wake up I'll be 21 again. In shape without a single health problem. That would be nice.
 |
| But yeah, this is more likely. |
No comments:
Post a Comment