GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #666: HAIL SATAN!

Hail Satan!

 

It's the number of the beast. Welcome to tonight's special Hell-themed edition of Goodnight, Fuckers! Kinda.

You know my feelings about the devil. I've expounded upon this ad nauseum. You might have fun revisiting this GF, for example. Or perhaps you would like to help me financially by purchasing a copy of my Kindle-only book, 6669: Demon Porn. I feel that it's impossible to masturbate while reading it, but I've been told that I'm wrong on that one. Your mileage may vary.

At any rate, I'm going to talk about why devil/hell/possession type horror movies don't scare me. They don't even interest me. Mostly. In order for films like that to truly get to you, you must have some kind of belief, or at least suspicion, that God and Satan are real, that this kind of thing *could* happen to you. And I don't have that belief.

I'm going to pick on The Exorcist for a second, mostly because that's the king daddy of all devil movies. The Exorcist isn't scary, and I know I'm in the minority on that one. My mom told me stories of how terrified she was when she saw it in the theater, and how everyone went around talking about how if you saw this movie, demons would follow you home, etc.

I think Stephen King is a little closer to the truth on this one. I'm pretty sure he said, in Danse Macabre, that The Exorcist is really about a little girl hitting puberty and changing, and how much that horrifies her mom. Considering the political climate at the time, I can see why something like that would resonate with an older audience. Viewed that way, it can be seen as a dark comedy. Keep in mind, William Peter Blatty was mostly known as a humorist before The Exorcist. Not only that, but he was a conman of sorts.

Don't believe me? Give this a read. And make sure to watch the video there, too.

And then there's the garbage about human sacrifice. Horror, no matter the medium, has a surplus of devil worshipers sacrificing human beings to said devil, and it's all silly. I extend that to people, mostly in the latter half of the 20th Century, who were afraid of getting sacrificed to Satan, themselves.

If you're being sacrificed to Satan, then the odds are that the person trying to kill you is an idiot who doesn't know what he's doing. You can probably get away from someone that stupid. Unless, of course, and here's where the odds are against you, that person knows and loves you.

Because if you're a stranger who has been abducted for the sole (soul?) purpose of being sacrificed to the devil (or Cthulhu or [place name of god here]), then that person doesn't understand the nature of sacrifice. What is that person sacrificing? Why would killing you take anything away from him?

I'd be a lot more concerned about people being sacrificed to God. Remember Abraham? God told him to kill his son. Abraham didn't want to because he loved his son. Still, God's will must be obeyed, so he got ready to do the deed. Abraham at least understood the concept of sacrifice. By killing his son, he would be giving up a great deal.

So I guess the whole point of this is a heads up. Remember, kids, if you're going to sacrifice someone to Satan, they have to be someone you love and care about. Satan won't listen to you any other way.

Goodnight, fuckers. Hail Satan.

OK, hailing Satan can be a little sexy sometimes. I'll give it that.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #439: WHERE YOU ALWAYS SAVE MORE MONEY!

 If you grew up in Elmhurst at the time I did, then you know these guys almost as well as your own parents. Funny thing. My grandmother used to babysit one of their kids. I'm not sure if it was Celozzi's or Ettleson's. I think it was Nick Celozzi. When I was younger, back in the VHS days, I watched a movie which I'm pretty sure was Slaughterhouse Rock, and my grandmother walked through the room and saw him and recognized him. Oh yeah, Nick Celozzi went on to become an actor for a while. Mostly he's a producer now, but he was on a few quality shows like The A-Team and Walker, Texas Ranger. He was even in Marked for Death, if you can believe that.

Whoa. I've barely started, and already I'm off in the weeds. Weeds. Weed. Cannabis. Yes. Cannabis should be mandatory. The old Bill Hicks joke goes that it's impossible to get in a passionate argument while high. Since I've been imbibing I've found that's true, but I'll go one further. If you got into an argument while high, it would be impossible to finish it. Everyone involved would get lost in their own tangents.

Tangents like this one. The reason I used the phrase, "Where you always save more money," is because that was Celozzi-Ettleson's mantra, and I'm going to tell you about a sale that's going to save you a lot of money. Well, maybe not a lot. But definitely some.

It's kind of weird that after all these years this advertising slogan is still in my head. Like "plip plop fizz whizz" or "Food, folks and fun" or "Where's the beef?" That's kind of disgusting when you think about it. But hell, that's what religion and government and every authority figure has been doing for years, right? It shouldn't be all that surprising. How many thoughts do you have that you think are your own that you can trace back to something someone put in your head when you were a kid?

I swear this next part isn't a tangent. It'll seem like that at first, but I'm getting down to why I'm offering this ridiculous sale.

Christmas is the only holiday I care about. I mean, beyond getting a day off of work, that is. I don't give a shit about Halloween, even. And I can hear you saying I'm a blasphemer, but I just don't give a fuck. I like Christmas, though, and it's got nothing to do with Christ or Santa or even the tree Christians stole from the Druids. And fuck the unrepentant capitalism that whips out its dick this time of year. It's not even about my own greed. I think I stopped caring about getting presents when I turned forty.

For me, Christmas is about giving. There! See? I told you it wasn't a tangent. I was building up to something.

In the spirit of Christmas, I'm offering a sale that will probably baffle my fellow authors, or at least have them doubting my sanity. But it's been a rough couple of years for us all, and I thought to put some positivity out there (with my overwhelmingly negative books, naturally). So here it is. Do you want one of my books? You can have it. All you have to do is ask (kinda). I'll list what I have available in a moment. There is a slight price that I'm sure you'll find reasonable, and there are a few rules.

First, this is only available to people in the US. Sorry, everyone else. If you live outside the US and you want something from me, tell me. I'll send a digital copy of something of mine for free. I honestly don't know what I have at this point, so it'll be a surprise even to me. Warning: it's probably going to be either John Holmes, Vampire Slayer or 6669: Demon Porn. I'll see if there's anything else first, but I make no promises.

Next, if you live near me (the Chicagoland area, if you didn't know), and I can physically put that book in your hand, then the price is very simple. A review on Amazon or Goodreads (or both, if you're feeling generous) and one (1) American dollar. Some of you might get that joke. Back when I published Tabard Inn, my payment for stories was one American dollar and one contributor's copy. I was broke, but I didn't want to pay just in cc's, so that was my compromise. Now you can pay me one American dollar for my work. The universe has a habit of evening out.

If you live in the US, but I have to mail it to you, the price is just slightly higher. We'll call it at one (1) American dollar for the book and two bucks for shipping. And a review, as stated above, if you would be so kind.

This offer is good from the publication of this post until December 25, 2021.

One more rule: limit one book per household. Oh wait, one more rule. First come, first serve. Let me know what you want any way that you know me: social media, email, phone call, whatever. You can post a comment below, but I might forget about that and not see it (as has happened before), so if you have another way, try that instead. I'll do my best to keep an eye out, but I'm often high and forget things.

Having said that, here's what I have available:

--AND JESUS CAME BACK 2 copies

--BLOOD 3 copies

I know it's not a lot, but if you want something, now's the time. Strike while the iron is hot, and I'm being this stupid.

Wow, I'm glad that I wrote the important parts of this one before taking my edible instead of now. I don't think I could have made it through this one without that pinch of foresight.

NEW BOOK: 6669 by John Bruni

Click here to buy it! Thanks!