GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #632: YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN

 

While packing my things I recently discovered my favorite Peanuts book, Sandlot Peanuts. It brought me back to my childhood because when I was a kid, still in elementary school, I didn't have a lot of friends, so I had to entertain myself. On rainy days when I couldn't go out and play I stayed in my bedroom reading my mom's Peanuts books from when she was a kid.

(And my dad's MAD paperbacks and Dennis the Menace books, but mostly the Peanuts books.)

I would lose myself in the adventures of good ol' Charlie Brown as the universe constantly shat upon him and his hopes and dreams. His failures on the pitching mound. Every time Lucy yanked the football away from him. And his sad pining for the little red-haired girl.

I also loved Snoopy's attempts at writing because even back then I knew I wanted to be a writer. But I also wanted to be a World War I flying ace, too. I figured I had just as good a shot at either one at the time. Although I probably would have been pretty lousy at dogfighting (so to speak) with the Red Baron. Fuck that guy. I don't even like his goddam pizza.

My cousin, Erik, reminded me of Linus because like Lucy's li'l brother, my cousin had a security blanket at that age. Then there was Schroder and his piano. Franklin and Pigpen and Marcie and Peppermint Patty and all of 'em. I loved their stories.

Incidentally, if you haven't heard this song, you probably should give it a listen.

Anyway, my favorite of the books was the book of baseball stories pictured above. I read that one more than any other book I had. It doesn't literally smell like rain, but holding it my hands now I can smell the rain that constantly poured whenever I pulled this book out as a kid. Goddam, those were good days.

If you loved Charlie Brown and company as a kid, you will probably like Weapon Brown as an adult. I suggest you look into that. It's a post apocalyptic version of Peanuts and just about every other comic strip that showed up side by side with Peanuts, from Popeye to, and I shit you not, The Boondocks. Check it out.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #551: MAKE IT AWKWARD FOR EVERYONE

 

So why is it that when men go bald they want to look like badasses? I can't really answer that question myself because I still have all my hair, and it looks like it's going to stick around for a while. I think it's one of the few good looking features I have, and I think I'd be upset if it went away. All the same I think I would look horrible if I was bald. My head is really weirdly shaped, so even if I did go for the Bruce Willis look I think it would appear very, very bad.

I think I'd have no choice but to make it awkward for everyone. Like, I'd draw my hair on my scalp with a Sharpie. Make it look really obvious so people would wonder about my sanity. Or maybe I'd draw a big Charlie Brown curl on my forehead.

Good grief!

Ooh! I know! I could have a really bad combover like Gramps did. He only had a fringe around the sides and back of his head, but he grew three strands on one side super long to put over the top of his head, kinda like Homer Simpson. That would really gross people out.

Or perhaps a skullet would be the way to go. A friend of mine once told me he was going to do that if he went bald.

I guess I could also shave it all except for a vertical strip at the back of my head and tell everyone it's a mohawk. I should probably shave my beard, too, and give myself a pencil line mustache. I'm talking more like Willem Dafoe in Wild at Heart instead of John Waters. The possibilities are endless!