GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #228: CLASSIC HOLLYWOOD AND SOCIAL MEDIA

I forgot who said it, but I remember hearing someone talking about the difference between contacting celebrities now and contacting them back in the classic Hollywood days. Way back when, you had to physically write a letter, be it by hand or typewriter, and you had to snail mail it to the studio. There a representative of the celebrity in question would type a phony letter, sign a picture for the celebrity and send the lot back to the fan. Now all you have to do is send them a tweet on Twitter. Sometimes you get ignored, but sometimes you get lucky and they respond.


Whoever mentioned this didn't take it to the next logical step: what if classic Hollywood had social media?


You fuckin' KNOW that Valentino would be sending out dick pics via DM. I would love to see Errol Flynn's drunken midnight tweets. I have a sneaking suspicion that the Duke would outrage millions by the far right things he'd post. Everyone else would probably be equally outraged by Bogie's views. I like to think that Rock Hudson would have been a gay rights activist. Perhaps someone would have been able to see Marilyn Monroe's problems and would have saved her life. Chaplin wouldn't be considered a genius today; he'd have been busted for his very active interest in underage girls instead.


Holy shit, could you imagine if Sinatra Periscoped his legendary parties? Jane Russell's Instagram would be on fucking fire. What if the Hollywood 10 protested on their Facebook pages? A lot of those guys were talented, and I'm pretty sure they could come up with just the perfect barb to hurl in McCarthy's direction.


Extend it to musicians. Images of John Bonham trashing hotel rooms would be all over the internet. Jimi's sex tape would be all over Pornhub (like it is today!). John Lennon and Paul McCartney sniping each other on Facebook. (And I'd bet even money that there would have been a Lennon/Ono sex tape. Maybe there is, but it hasn't surfaced yet.)


How about writers? Am I the only one who would have loved Jack Kerouac's blog? Or how about F. Scott Fitzgerald's? I can see Hunter S. Thompson posting videos of him shooting at high grade explosives on YouTube. Could you imagine the wonderfully depressing and soul-bearing posts Sylvia Plath would have sent out into the world? Shit, I know it's earlier than everyone else I've listed, but goddammit! I think Mark Twain would have been the Patton Oswalt of his time.


Presidents! Do you think JFK would be able to control himself with Snapchat nudes? Nixon wouldn't have needed Watergate to destroy him; he'd just need to do drunken live posts on Facebook. Everyone would have known about FDR's disability. Everyone would follow Teddy Roosevelt in much the same way everyone follows Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellan when they're hanging out together, doing knight shit.


If you don't think all of this would be crazy, let me remind you that this happened recently. Yes, Charlie Sheen, star of MAJOR LEAGUE, is saying that he'd pitch for the Indians if they asked him to. Shit doesn't get more surreal than that.


Unless you give social media to classic Hollywood. Let's build a time machine, shall we?

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #153: WILD THING!

A while back, when I was Future Booze Jesus, I was asked if Charlie Sheen really was "winning." You can check it out here. Considering new information, we now know that around the time I wrote this was when he was diagnosed HIV positive. Would that change my opinion?


That presents an interesting question.


First of all, the fact that Charlie is HIV positive is NONE OF OUR BUSINESS. He only went public because some scumbag was blackmailing him. Considering that, there is really only ONE question: how responsible was Charlie with this information? In other words, did he tell women he slept with that he had HIV? Did he wear a condom? Or were there other precautions taken?


He says he's a responsible sort when it comes to this. I read that as him having confessed to his condition to sexual partners and taking precautions to make sure that his partners don't get it. It sounds really good, and I hope it's true.


At the same time, and this is JUST MY OPINION AND NOT FACT, he strikes me as the kind of guy who would rawdog it no matter what. If this is true, then I really need to revise what I said before.


Yet he's been sober for a fairly long time. If he says he was responsible, I think I believe him. Matt Lauer tried to rat-fuck him on his alcohol intake, even though he said it was every once in a while, as compared to a drink every once in a while.


Again, it is ONLY MY OPINION AND NOT FACT, but I believe that Charlie drinks more than he says. But I don't think it's enough to get him fucked up so that he won't take his meds and so that he'll rawdog a girl without telling her about his diagnosis. That's some hefty shit, and speaking as someone who can routinely be drunk as fuck, I don't believe it. There was a time that I suspected that I might have Hep C, and I warned any potential sexual partner about it. And if they were OK with that, I would not have sex without a condom. Luckily, I didn't have it, but as drunk as I was, I never took chances with someone else's life.


Speaking as someone who is fucked up, I think I believe Charlie. So let's calm down the witch hunt. If it turns out that he knew about it and lied about it, that's a different story, but from my perspective right now: this is not our business. It sucks that he had to go live with this info because of his blackmailers (could YOU deal with $10M worth of blackmail?). As it stands, I don't think we have enough info, but what we have so far means it's his business and the rest of us can go fuck off.


So let's let Wild Thing go for now until we have something that really, truly condemns him. Because from what I can tell, he's an angry man who gets fucked up and likes to lay pipe. The dude has been very honest with us in the past. I have no reason to think he wouldn't be honest now. Until we have something else, that's the end of the discussion.

FUTURE BOOZE JESUS 6

I’m back! Yes, I am risen, you fools! You thought I was dead because I didn’t have a column for you last week. Well, you were half-right. I was dead DRUNK! I think I will take MODERN DRUNKARD MAGAZINE’s advice and start naming my hangovers. But enough of this gibberish! On to the mailbag!



The Adonis asks: “Real simple, is Charlie Sheen WINNING?”


Future Booze Jesus says: You bet, just as he always has. I’ve heard a lot of his quotes of late, and I’m having difficulty in trying to find what people find crazy about him. He’s just a guy who knows what he likes, and he knows what it takes to achieve this. He lives life the way he wants to, and that scares ordinary people. The average person wants to live free of society’s expectations, but the Fear keeps him in check. Sheen doesn’t have the Fear. People say he was crazy for fucking up a good thing by torpedoing TWO AND A HALF MEN. Gentlemen, I say he was crazy for sticking with that show for so many years. Sure, it added to his coke-and-whores fund quite a bit, but can you imagine being a free spirit shackled by network censors for years? Soar like an eagle, Charlie, and fuck the trolls. Who needs ‘em? NEXT QUESTION!


Rico (a proud non-ginger) asks: “Remember that episode of DIFFERENT STROKES where Sam the ginger got kidnapped? Why would someone kidnap a ginger?”


Future Booze Jesus says: Ah, Rico. Welcome back. You are clearly unaware of the powers gingers possess. They can restore your youth, but you have to milk them properly, or their ginger juice turns into a poison. Also, they are good at fetching things. NEXT QUESTION!


Zip asks: “Let’s say I know this guy named Chris. Crap, I mean John. Yes, John. His roommate bugs him all the time to actually do things. All he wants to do is be by himself and lay around. Recently John’s roommate said he was moving out and he is worried that no one will support his laziness. John is now confused and lonely. What should he do?”


Future Booze Jesus says: Hm, this scenario sounds familiar. Zip, I won’t lie to you. Let’s get down to brass tacks. Cut this John character loose. Nature finds a way, and slugs always manage to survive. John will find someone else to look after him, because there’s a sucker born every minute. However, I recognize that cutting him loose might not be enough. You may need to encourage his suicide. No one likes a downer, and if he were to die, the world would brighten up just a little bit. Tell him to kill himself for the good of the world. Maybe leave a bottle of pills lying around. Or a gun with one bullet in it. Leave some razorblades on the edge of the tub. He’ll get the idea. NEXT FUCKING QUESTION!

Not Dave Damasssssssssk asks: “Does soaking a tampon in vodka and then putting it in your rectum really work? Should I try it? Have you tried it? Would you try it? I am pretty poor at the moment and could use a ‘getting drunk on a budget’ type tip or five. Thanks in advance!!!”


Future Booze Jesus says: YOU FOOL! If you’re putting booze in your asshole, you’re doing it wrong! There is no excuse for not being able to get drunk on a budget. If you think you’re stretching a dollar, think about this: homeless people every day manage to get enough cash for booze. Sometimes, they can get the good stuff. If they can do it, you can do it. I recommend Cold Brook Whiskey, which you can get for $9.99 a handle at Corner Cottage on North Avenue. It’s far from good, but you’ll get trashed just the same. If you’re going out to a bar or restaurant, fill a flask with some of this stuff. Never buy drinks in public. It’s too expensive, unless you’re at the Spring Inn in Elmhurst. Cheap shots and cheap beer. You can’t go wrong. If all else fails, skip a few meals. As your messiah, I advise you to remember that booze is more important than food. If you’re hard up enough, you can always find someone to give you a sandwich. No one wants to give you free whiskey.

I hope I have enriched your lives for yet another week. If you have any quandaries or comments, please post them in the comments below. Barring another horribly awesome drinking binge, I feel certain you’ll get your answers next Friday. Until then, celebrate the 17th year of Charles Bukowski’s passing by watching BARFLY and FACTOTUM. That should get you through next week.

[NOTE:  FBJ IS LYING TO YOU.  NEXT FRIDAY IS C2E2, AND I WILL BE TOO BUSY COVERING THAT FOR THE NAPALM ASSAULT TO POST A NEW FUTURE BOOZE JESUS.  STILL, FEEL FREE TO LEAVE QUESTIONS BELOW.]