GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #883: #NOTALLBILLIONAIRES

 You hear me talk shit about billionaires a lot because nearly all of them deserve it. But there are a few that seem like decent people. One of them is Mark Cuban. He doesn't seem to be dedicated to sucking as much wealth out of our planet as possible. In fact he seems to want to make our lives easier. I'm talking about those of us who don't have much money or any money at all, not the dickheads trying to take more of that money.

I read about this a while ago, and I'm only now getting around to it. It's one of those ideas I had when I was out sick, and I'm still playing catch up on those, hence the lateness. But Cuban hit a point near and dear to my heart: medication prices. He singled out CVS in particular, asking them in an open letter why their pricing is obfuscated. A fair question since 52% of Americans get their meds from CVS, and I'm one of them. I'm angry that I *must* go to CVS, or my insurance won't cover my meds, so any time I see someone calling them out for something, I pay attention.

It's a topic John Oliver should do sometime. Or maybe he already has, I don't know, but this is right up his alley. Because nearly all pharmacies use middlemen to broker deals for medications.

Right off the bat you should be suspicious. Whenever a middleman is added to any economic equation, you are going to spend MORE money, not LESS. Every time you add another cook to the kitchen, you must pay that extra cook. Even if the middlemen were nonprofits, I'd still suspect them of graft. All it takes is one unscrupulous executive, and suddenly millions of dollars are disappearing into their pockets, and no one is the wiser. Why would they be? No one knows about the middlemen, anyway.

CVS decided not to make their process transparent, so Cuban did what any reasonable billionaire would do: he started his own pharmacy.

He's not entirely altruistic. I get that. He's got to make some money, too, and he's doing that by becoming his own middleman, as according to the website they have a "pharmacy partner." The difference is, he's not price gouging while the others are. Or at least he's gouging in such a way that it's barely noticeable. If you're going to gouge, that's the way to do it. Make it painless if possible.

I looked up my own medications, and they're pretty cheap. I wish I could use his pharmacy, but my insurance requires me to use CVS. My regular meds are free through CVS, so that's not bad (especially when it comes to insulin), but if I get something off the beaten path I have to pay for it. For example, the painkillers I'm on right now. And everything the GI doc added to my daily regimen. I'd love to get any break I can on that, and I'd love to see a large corporation like CVS suffering.

Just about every fucking industry uses middlemen, and it's driving the prices of everything up. The middlemen for CVS, CVS Caremark, claim they do this to negotiate prices on behalf of the consumer, but that is clearly bullshit. No middleman has ever existed to make life easier for consumers. They all exist to suck more money out of you than Mega Maid sucking air out of Druidia in Spaceballs.

If you take a lot of medications like I do, you might want to check this out. It could save you money.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #874: BITCHFEST

 Last night's GF column was probably very confusing for the people who didn't read the previous one. At any rate, tonight's is going to be me in bitchfest mode. Apologies in advance.

A few weeks ago I got a letter from the State of IL Drivers Services. It's the one I get every four years for my license renewal. When you get the same letter several times over the course of twenty-ish years you tend not to read it. You tend, instead, to put it aside for when you're ready to get the deed done.

For me that time was today. As I sat at a train crossing, waiting, I decided to read it because I hate doing nothing, and I'll read just about anything. There was a time I had the ingredients of Head and Shoulders memorized from toilet reading. So I read the letter, surprised to discover that the two forms of ID needed are different this time, and I would have had both forms if I hadn't taken my credit cards out of my wallet to remove the temptation to use them. (IL needs one for proof of signature.)

Not only that but nearly all of the DMV locations in my area now require appointments instead of just being able to walk in. That infuriated me because I have one week left to get my license renewed, and I had doubts that I would be able to get an appointment today. My only days off are Sundays and Thursdays. The DMV might be open on Sundays in an alternate universe where we don't have religion, but that is not *this* universe.

(Yes, I realize that if I'd read the letter sooner I would not be in this situation. I would argue that the reasonable thing would have been for IL to put, in big bold letters at the top of their missive, ATTENTION: THERE HAVE BEEN CHANGES TO OUR REQUIREMENTS. PLEASE READ THIS LETTER CAREFULLY. I shit you not, the letter has been identical for decades. I don't think the font even changed.)

To get an appointment I had to either call the number or go online. Whenever I can skip a phone call, I will do so. According to the website I was eligible to renew online! Which would have been great if it was actually true. But as I had, indeed, read the letter, I knew I had a vision test I had to take, and people who need to take those aren't allowed to renew online.

So I fucking called the phone number. And what was the first automated message I got? You can skip the phone call and do everything online! Ho-ho. And then it continued to give me all sorts of information I don't--or ever will-need. I'll have something else to say about that in a moment.

I got through to a person in a timely fashion, be still my beating heart. I asked for any appointments in Lombard today. Nothing. Call back tomor--

"That's impossible," I said. "How about Schaumburg?"

Nothing. Call back tomor--

"That's impossible. How about Addison?"

Nothing. Call back tomor--

Someone wasn't listening or didn't understand the definition of the word I was using. "That's impossible." Just to see if that word would catch on finally. I usually hate repeating myself, but I occasionally make an exception. "How about Westchester?"

"Are you 65 or older?"

Finally, a different response. Still not what I was looking for, but at least we're on a different part of the script now. "I'll be 47 this time next week."

You have to be a senior citizen for Westchester.

I accepted failure. "Is there anything in Lombard for next Thursday?"

Nothing.

"Schaumburg?"

Wide open.

So I got an appointment next week on a day I was hoping to do nothing that was necessary. Just stuff I wanted to do. It's not often I get my birthday off from work. Except my job at Call One. You got a free extra day off on your birthday there.

As if that wasn't enough of a fuckalizing fuckaloo I'm also running low on painkillers. Since my spinal injection didn't happen last week, I'm still in constant pain. I requested the refill last week when they canceled the procedure. I'm required by my insurance to use CVS (unless I want to pay full price for my meds, which is an effective form of corporate blackmail), but CVS has told me that these pills are on national back order. Which is a lie. As I've been through this before, it's on national back order for CVS and CVS alone. I called Walgreens to see if they had my pills. They did, but I was warned that supplies are limited. They can accommodate me if my prescription is only for 45 pills, which it is. I called the clinic and tried to get them to send the prescription over to Walgreens before they run out.

The doctor won't do it until he's done with his patients for the day. Fuck me.

By the way, I called Walgreens twice. One for fact-finding, one to see if my prescription arrived. Both times I had to weather their automated system. Can you guess what it started with? Whatever you're calling for, you can do it online! Which I would do because as someone who has worked jobs done via phone since 2007, I fucking hate talking on the phone. I wasn't a big fan of it before 2007, either.

The automated system also suggested that I skip talking to a person and do whatever I needed to do by, unfortunately, using said automated system. Which I would do IF I DIDN'T NEED TO TALK TO A FUCKING LIVING HUMAN GODDAM BEING.

I can't stress this enough: as someone who is literally on the phone for eight hours a day, I notice a lot of trends with IVRs. When someone is on the phone, chances are they need to talk to a person. I'm sure there are a few people in the world who hear this shit and go, "Oh, that's right! I can do this online!" But a majority of people need to speak with a person, and they need to speak with them ASAP. So giving everyone who calls in a massive infodump without giving them the option to skip it is inhuman. I would venture to say that it's cruel, too. It's bad enough that corporations are too big to care, but they feel the need to be cruel when it's completely unnecessary?

Stop with the info dumps. Or if you insist on having them, at the very least give us the option to skip it. Almost all of us are calling you because we *can't* do what we need to do online. Can't. Not won't. CAN'T. Dare I say, impossible? It would also be helpful if each option could be explained in less than three seconds by the AI robot you're using.

I swear to you I'm not a senior citizen, and I'm not yelling at a cloud. I'm raging against the machine?

In the interest of fairness I should say that Walgreens finally got my prescription. Just in time. My pills are waiting for me. I'll have to get them tomorrow, though. I have one pill left. I'll have to save it for when I get to work tomorrow. Talking on a phone for eight hours also requires sitting down for eight hours, and that's hell on my back. My new bed is pretty comfortable, so if I get myself in the right position I don't feel too much pain.

All right. I think I got that out of my system. I feel like I'm forgetting something, though. Oh yeah! BUTT MONTANA, ESQUIRE!

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #781: BACK ORDER

 I had a bit of a rough time of it lately, and it's yet another reason I fucking hate that I'm forced to go to CVS for my medications.

Two weeks ago I got my usual notification that CVS was trying to renew my prescription for Novolog, which is the fast-acting insulin I take to keep me alive three times a day. I replied with YES and, just in case, I made the request to my endocrinologist, too. On Wednesday, as I was running low on my last pen, I checked back in with the MyChart app, and the insulin had been sent over to CVS. So I called CVS's automated system and was advised that the prescription was still being processed. I figured that meant I'd have it by the next day.

The next day comes, and no dice. This time I talked to a live person only to find out that Novolog is on a national back order. And these CVS fucks didn't tell me about it.

If I was still allowed to go to my local pharmacy instead, they would have absolutely told me about this and offered alternatives. But no, now that I had only three shots worth of insulin left, FUCKING NOW I'm being told that it's on back order. If there was something that literally helped keep you alive, and you were told at the 11th hour that it was on national back order even though they already knew this, how reasonably would you respond?

I told my endocrinologist, and she sent an alternative to CVS. Surprise! On Friday I learned that my insurance wouldn't cover it. So now I had to get another alternative, and thankfully this one was covered. The problem: I had to wait until Monday to get it. FUCK.

So over the weekend I had to get creative. At least, I thought, I wouldn't get any low blood sugar surprises during this time. So I figured out when to use my final dose, which I saved for Saturday night as I like to treat myself a little if I don't have to work the next day. And then I had to take a few guesses on how Toujeo, my long-acting insulin for nighttime injections, would work using it during waking hours instead.

To paraphrase a great Knight of the Round Table in modern times, I chose wisely. The only Toujeo injection I fucked up was the one this morning. I didn't use enough and was in the 200s when I got home from work. But I finally have my insulin pens.

So I made a pizza from scratch tonight. Why not live a little? Celebrate.

Fucking back order . . .