GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #63: BREAKING DOWN

Once upon a time, I was an invincible monster. I ate whatever the fuck I wanted to, I could out-drink anyone except the corpse of Jim Thompson, and I managed to do all of this while maintaining a decent weight and only ever getting sick once a year. Granted, that once was usually catastrophic, but it was only once a year.


Now I have to watch what I eat, I can't drink to excess and my weight has skyrocketed while I get sick more than once a year. What the fuck happened to me?


Many of you can point out that I'm not as young as I used to be. That might be true, but it's only been a few years. How can so many things go wrong in just two or three years circles around the sun?


I think it's something else. Someone said to me--I think it was Fitz, but I'm not certain--that my system is a lot like a transmission that hasn't been flushed in a long time. It might work perfectly, but once it's diagnosed and flushed, it goes to shit.


Everything was going fine for me up until the end of a relationship between me and a woman with Hep C.  Don't get me wrong, I took every precaution to not catch it. It's a blood disease, not an STD, although you can get it if the sex is kind of rough or you're fucking her on her period. (Okay, so the sex got rough a couple of times. And yes, I fucked her on her period once--the one time that the condom came off, of course.) When the relationship was over, I decided to go in for a check up, just to be sure I was clean. I think the gestation period of Hep C is three months, so I waited four, just to be sure, before I went in for a doctor's appointment.


He got back to me later with good news and bad news. The good news? I didn't have Hep C. Yay! The bad news? I was diabetic, I had hypertension and I had high cholesterol. Yikes.


Since my awareness of these problems, my body has been breaking down. I wound up with gingivitis and lost a tooth (for which I have an implant), my pancreas rebelled against me, I suffer from low blood sugar all the time, I'm getting sick waaay more than once a year (as evidenced by me missing work yesterday and today, hence this piece), I lost my gall bladder, I wound up getting an abscess right next to my dick, I get terrible headaches from a broken tooth which refuses to get fixed even though I had a root canal done on it and a variety of other things.


I'm sure I've had many of my problems for a long time, but what if I hadn't gotten it diagnosed? Is the power of the mind so strong that I would have gone on long after my health problems should have taken me out? Because I feel like that tranny that didn't have a problem until it was flushed out. I'm falling apart even when I'm behaving myself.


I always figured I'd die at a young age. Now? My premature death seems certain. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to fix myself. I've tried not living with all of my bad habits, but somehow I feel worse. My blood sugar gets so low that I'm in danger of falling into a coma. So clearly my body needs a few bad habits to stay alive. The only problem is figuring out which ones to keep.


Maybe if I hadn't gone to the doctor when I did, I would be the Terminator now.


Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckitty fuck fuck. Goodnight.