GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #744: THE HORRORS OF HOLLYWOOD

 Maybe about twenty-five years ago I decided that I was going to give Hollywood a try. Oh no, don't worry. I have no acting ambitions. I like to help out my filmmaking friends by being in their movies or helping behind the scenes occasionally, but I have no serious desire to be an actor. No, I decided I was going to be a screenwriter.

My first lesson was that this is even harder to do than getting a book published by one of the Big Five. Since I already had experience getting rejected by the Big Five, I figured I'd give it a shot anyway.

So I started reading screenplays of movies that I thoroughly enjoyed. Quentin Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs comes to mind. So do the Coen Brothers' The Big Lebowski and Barton Fink. Mario Puzo's adaptation of his own book, The Godfather. And one of my favorites, Unforgiven by David Webb Peoples.

This, by the way, was before the internet was so ubiquitous, so I found them the old fashioned way. Some of them I bought from Borders in book form. Some of them I was able to hunt down at the Elmhurst Public Library in the 800's section, which was the section I worked in as a page. I know it will not come as much of a surprise to you, but I sat on the floor reading these things when I should have been working. The problem with actually doing my job was, I was good at it, and I was fast at it. So they would give me other people's work to do. I'm opposed to that sort of thing, so I started hiding out in the stacks when I was done with my own work, pretending to make sure the books were in order.

So I started writing screenplays using their example as opposed to how-to books, which is essentially how I taught myself to write prose. I thought I was decent at it, but I'll bet if I looked up one of my screenplays now, I would be horrified by how bad it is. Perhaps, as an object lesson, I should post one of them for your perusal. It would make a lovely entry into the John Bruni Museum of Mediocre (At Best) Shit, which I've not added to in many years.

The key to writing for Hollywood, though, is you kinda have to move there, and I didn't want to do that. Also, the more I learned about the preproduction process, the more I realized that kind of thing just wasn't for me. I deal with enough narcissists at my various jobs. I would not want to work with any for the writing part of my life.

It's been a while since I thought about these things, but then I read the horrifying account that I'm about to share with you. And shockingly this is only part 1. Part 2 has yet to be posted. Ultimately I think what I'm trying to say with this GF column is to be open to constructive criticism, but you should have confidence in the writing you believe in. Don't let anyone tell you that you're unprofessional, especially not a fucking producer.

This is long. You might want to save it for tomorrow, but if you're a writer thinking about a Hollywood move (after the WGA hands the studios their ass, of course), you should really give this a read.

(Hey, if you work a desk job with no internet monitoring, save this for when you're at work looking to kill some time. I know that's what I would do.)

Without further ado, brace yourself for the horror.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #581: SCREENWRITING

 For a while there I tried to break into Hollywood by writing screenplays. I got into the habit of reading them, which is kind of a chore. It takes a lot of the Hollywood magic out of things. But I had a good feel for it to the point where I maybe wrote five scripts on my own. One of them got roasted alive during the first year of Project Greenlight. The idea is, you have to review three other scripts when you submit your own. I read a few so-so scripts and one that was good. But every review I got back for mine was brutal. It was about a guy who finds out his abusive stepfather finally killed his mother, so he goes on a road trip with a friend to kill the old man. I thought it was pretty good, and I even turned it into a novel that no one wanted to publish. Ah well.

I've also helped friends make their own films. I was in a friend's movie as a shoplifter at a video store. I also helped the same friend with another movie, but I was a grip on that one. And then there was the time that a friend at the library was making a student film. He wanted me to be in it as a gunslinging sheriff type character. While we were filming it, though, he ran out of time and had to clock in for his shift. I wound up directing the rest of it and got, I think, the nicest shot in the movie.

But then there was Blood Diamond. My friend, Jesse, and I cowrote it. I'm terrible when it comes with collaborations. I don't know what it is. Every one I've worked on never made it to the finish line except whenever I worked with Jesse. He wrote the only serial I published in Tabard Inn. Anyway, he had everything lined up. Actors, special effects, locations, you name it. He just didn't have a script, so he asked me to write it with him. My memory is a bit shady at this point, but if I remember right it was about a Canadian ninja who has to face off against a mob boss with sorcerous abilities for . . . reasons? I probably have the script somewhere. It was pretty good. And we actually got to film some of it!

I remember it was Halloween night, and we gathered together to throw a party that would be part of the story. I played a couple of roles because I also had a mask that I could wear so I wouldn't be recognized again. We had an acrobat who could do flips and all kinds of crazy ninja moves. And I even got to meet two close friends that night. It was a lot of fun. Too bad the movie died that night. It could have been pretty cool. I would probably kill to have an opportunity to watch the footage we got, but I'm pretty sure no one has it anymore.

It's been a while since I worked on movies. Sometimes I miss it, but if there's anything more difficult to break into than publishing, it's movies. Maybe someday. I have this insane idea at the back of my head that maybe Jesse and I should novelize the script. I'll probably talk to him about it next time I see him. But indie film is a lot of fun. If you ever have the chance to do it, then do it.