THE JOHN BRUNI MUSEUM OF MEDIOCRE (AT BEST) SHIT #3: LETTER TO EVIL ERNIE MONTHLY #8

Remember when comic books had letters columns? Well, some like SAGA and KILL OR BE KILLED and THE WALKING DEAD still have ‘em, but there was a day when every. Single. Comic book. Had one. It was my dream back then to get into at least one. I wrote to GI JOE and TRANSFORMERS and PREACHER and HITMAN and many more. I failed except in a handful of instances. This is one of them.

The original letter was eight pages long. Staggering, right? This was the only case of me writing to a comic book without the intention of being printed in the letters column. My beloved EVIL ERNIE was going in the wrong direction, and I was very concerned. I’m not going to reprint the whole letter. Just the part that got printed. I was named Fiend of the Month for this letter. Writer Brian Pulido called me at home to discuss it. He invited me out to my first con years and years ago. Since then, we have become friends, which is pretty cool. I was in college at the time.

To Fiends One and All,

I remember when I was back in high school, and a friend of mine handed me a collection of comic books called Evil Ernie: Youth Gone Wild. I hungrily read it all in one sitting. From the moment I finished it, I was ready for more.

Youth Gone Wild is probably my favorite of the Evil Ernie series. I really like the idea of the utter hopelessness of Ernie’s case, even at the early stages. The idealistic Price tries to cure Ernie, but it blows up in his face and turns his life around until he’s just a cantankerous gun-toting psychotic.

Then came Resurrection. I was a bit disappointed with the coloring, but that didn’t stand in the way of my enjoyment. It all ends with the feeling of total hopelessness! It was great, and it left me thirsting for more. (I was kind of disappointed with New Year’s Evil from both the story and artwork aspects.)

Revenge left me feeling much better. Lady Death’s starting to lose control, which I thought was an interesting twist. This is her world, but something’s messing with her head. It was good to see Evil back in action, and I was a bit worried about Ramsey when he got shot, but not much. The most powerful moment in Evil Ernie history was the de-arming scene where Price gets his arms torn off while desperately trying to stay conscious because he felt he had to pay his penance, and the whole time Evil’s talking about how maybe Price is the crazy one. There was one problem with the scene. When Price’s first arm is snapped off, it’s his right arm at the elbow. Yet on the next page, when he’s reaching for his gun, he’s reaching for it with his right hand, and it’s his left arm that is gone. Consequently, Price gets his right arm ripped off for a second time on the next page, and then a panel later, it goes back to normal. Other than that, the scene was perfect.

When Straight to Hell came out, I was disappointed by the fact that Evil was acting like a superhero. When he went to Hell in his mind, he started getting into fights from just minor demons all the way up to Cremator, all of it laced with superhero patter and titan bullshit. Sorry, but that’s how I feel.

I was quickly restored by Destroyer. I didn’t like the artwork—it focused too hard on the gory parts—but the story redeems Straight to Hell entirely. Chastity’s betrayal of Evil was an interesting twist. What I really liked was to see those nukes airborne in #6. If you guys weren’t listening to Megadeath’s Rust in Peace when writing this scene, I’d be very surprised.

In Fear Itself, I find the revelations about Evil’s true nature interesting and a bit spooky. I don’t know if I like the separation between Evil Ernie and Ernest Fairchild; it just sounds a bit too corny, although I liked seeing Smiley roll through the mouse hole—very symbolic.

Over all, though, I think the monthly hasn’t been living up to Evil Ernie standards and also can’t help but feel like Evil’s abandoned his original idea. I’m also saddened by the absence of Price, Mary, Judy, and Billy. Don’t forget them—they’re too important to the story.

I know you have Evil Ernie stories lined up all the way through 1999, where Chaos! will come to an end, and all I have to say is bullshit. You’re having way too much fun to quit so soon. Unless you guys lost the rights to these characters by signing a movie contract, in which case I can see why you’re quitting. Chances are, I’m sure that when 2000 comes, there will be more Evil Ernie.

Sworn to the Black,

John Bruni—Elmhurst, IL

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #43: WIZARD WORLD CHICAGO, ER I MEAN CHICAGO COMIC CON, OR WHATEVER

A long time ago, in this very galaxy, I used to write comic book reviews for the Elmhurst College LEADER. I was the first of my kind, apparently. No one in any other college wrote comic book reviews (at least in Illinois), and I won an honorary mention for my efforts at a state-run journalism contest (run in conjunction with the Chicago TRIBUNE).


I don't want to get all weird and suck my own dick or anything, but I never really considered myself a reviewer in those days. I wrote about books I wanted people to read, because they were fucking awesome. I very rarely wrote a negative review. It comes from my history of wanting the best comic book reading experience possible.


I never planned on becoming a comic book convention attendee, but it happened all because I wrote a critical letter to Brian Pulido, the guy who created Evil Ernie and Lady Death, among other great Chaos! characters. I thought Evil Ernie's books had lost the plot, and I wrote a ten page letter explaining all the cool shit the series had done, and all the terrible things that were ruining the story at the time. A severely edited version was printed in one of the EE books, and I was named Fiend of the Month. Shockingly enough, Brian listened to me. He came back to writing the character he created, and he put EE back on his path. He also called me up at home and talked to me about the experience. I couldn't believe it. I actually spoke to one of the three guys who got me back into reading comics. It was an amazing experience.


Even more amazing: he invited me out to Wizard World Chicago that year, my very first comic book convention. I didn't know what to expect, but after walking around the place for a day, I got the hang of it very quickly. I also got to meet another of the three guys, Garth Ennis, for the first time. In fact, I got to meet a couple of guys who were doing a great indie book at the time, one of the first of its kind that I'd found by myself. The book was called BATTLE POPE, and the guys were Robert Kirkman and Tony Moore, before the rest of the world knew who they were. I can't tell you how awesome that first con was.


The next year, I knew what to expect. I knew which creators would be there, so I loaded up on my comics and brought a bunch of them to be signed. Every con since, my backpack has been full of books I wanted to get autographs on.


For the first time since that first year, my backpack is very, very light. That's because the emphasis has been taken off of comic books and has been placed on pop culture figures. I like guys like Stan Lee, Bruce Campbell, William Shatner and the rest, but my main reason to go to these things is to meet the people who create my favorite comics.


This year, there were only two big name comics guys I wanted to meet: Rafael Albuquerque, who co-created AMERICAN VAMPIRE, and Leinil Yu, who did a couple of books with Mark Millar. (I also want to get my WEAPON BROWN omnibus signed by Jason Yungbluth, but I've met him before. These other two guys? I haven't.) Then, Albuquerque had to step down. For the first time since the first time, I have almost no comic books to bring with me. Just Yu's two series for Millar, and I don't even know if I'll be able to get to him.


I have a few other things I want to get pop culture icons to sign, but it depresses the hell out of me that comic books have taken such a backseat at the con that got me started all those years ago. To those who have read my con coverage in the past, you might recall that I thought last year I'd give up on WWC and just stick to C2E2, which is a far superior show. Yet . . . I find it hard to quit the one that started me on this path. Besides, I have friends at WWC that I don't usually get to see the rest of the year.


Fuck.


To those who remember, I'm still SWORN TO THE BLACK.