GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #97: NOT MY CONSTANTINE

Looks like tomorrow is the debut of CONSTANTINE, a TV show based on one of my favorite comic book characters from the Big 2. I know I'm going to hate it. I'm going to give it a shot, but I know I'm just going to shit all over it later.


I don't want to, but the thing is, this show is based on the New 52 Constantine (pronounced CON-stan-TEEN), not the HELLBLAZER Constantine (pronounced CON-stan-TYNE) that I loved so much. It's pretty easy to cover that bullshit version of Constantine pretty well, since bullshit is easy for TV to deal with. However, I think it's impossible for a TV network to capture the essence of an incredibly complex character, like the Constantine portrayed in HELLBLAZER.


I think they're going to pull a WALKING DEAD on us. In the TV version of TWD, the characters of Michonne and Andrea are written as if they're the comic book versions for TV. Here's the problem: on the TV show, neither of those characters earned the things their comic book counterparts achieved so well. TV Michonne displays a hatred for the Governor that borders on the insane, which only makes sense if it's comic book Michonne, who was raped and tortured by the comic book Governor, things that never happened to TV Michonne. The same goes for TV Andrea, who thinks she's a bad-ass only because comic book Andrea really is a bad-ass. TV Andrea is a full-on fuck-up. I'm thinking the same thing is going to happen with TV Constantine.


At least this time they got a guy who actually looks like comic book Constantine. That's the best I can say, so far. I'm sure I'll let you know more of my thoughts when I see the series premiere tomorrow. Until then, goodnight fuckers.




























PS: If you're doubting my pronunciation of the HELLBLAZER CON-stan-TYNE, then we're going to have a problem. Alan Moore created the character for SWAMP THING. Constantine proved to be so popular, he wound up getting his own title, HELLBLAZER. I forget which issue it was in, but in the letters column of one of them, Moore is quoted as saying that Constantine, who was born in Liverpool and therefore has a Liverpudlian accent, pronounces his last name as CON-stan-TYNE. Here's a secondary source, which is also pretty official. Just scroll down to Major Story Arcs, under DC Comics: New Earth Swamp Thing.

COOL SHIT 7-11-13

NEXT TESTAMENT #2:  Ah.  It’s so good to have some new Clive Barker.  Since he’s lost himself in the world of ABARAT (which isn’t a terrible thing, by the way), he hasn’t had much time for anything else.  I’m glad to see him working in comics again, and this is a hell of a book.  In last issue, Julian Demonde (get it?) went in search of God and found Wick.  Wick is a multi-colored man-shaped being (complete with multi-colored speech bubbles), and while he claims to be the Father part of the Holy Trinity, I have a sneaking suspicion that he’s lying to everyone.  That wouldn’t be so strange for Barker fans.  Check out WEAVEWORLD if you don’t believe me.  In this issue, he blames all of the horrible acts of God—Sodom and Gomorrah, for example—on the Son and the Holy Spirit.  He also says that he fully intended Abraham to kill his son, but the others stopped him.  They locked him away for thousands of years, and now he’s back to check things out.  He’s constantly thrilled by the ways human beings have adapted when it comes to technology.  However, he’s disgusted with the greedy, slovenly scumbags human beings have become.  He laughed his way through the New Testament, and now he’s ready to deliver unto the world his Next Testament.  And he’s not fucking around.  The dinner party he throws so he can meet all the world’s most important people in one go is amazing and worth the price of admission on its own.  Ten more issues to go.

THE WALKING DEAD #112:  Of course.  What would Cool Shit be without talking about TWD?  And after last issue, you know this one is going to be fucked up.  Negan gutted Spencer, and now he’s kicking back and relaxing, ready to surprise Rick.  In the last few issues, Rick has been gathering his forces in an attempt to stage a coup.  But now that Negan has surprised him, he decides to jump the gun.  And then we find out just how cunning Negan really is.  Things get really intense by the end of this issue.  Next month will surely bring a lot of death.  Personally, I think Rick’s going to get the iron treatment.  It’s been a while since a major character has been mutilated . . . .

Incidentally, fuck the Governor.  Negan is by far the greatest villain of this series.  A part of me wants Kirkman to kill Rick off and use Negan as the protagonist instead.  I just hope that whenever his story is inevitably revealed, it’s not lame.

GETTING TO KNOW THE GOVERNOR: A review of THE WALKING DEAD: RISE OF THE GOVERNOR

This book is not what one would expect. Longtime fans of the comic book series, THE WALKING DEAD, would think this was about how the Governor, one of the most notable villains in the history of the book, whipped Woodbury into shape from scratch.



Not so. Writers Robert Kirkman and Jay Bonansinga start out long before the Governor reaches Woodbury. Meet the Blake brothers, Philip and Brian. Together with Philip’s daughter Penny and their friends, Bobby and Nick, they begin their adventure hiding out in a suburban home, a home where they have just wiped out all the lurking zombies in the area. Or did they?


As with all of Kirkman’s work, the characters are the most interesting part of the book. Most interesting is the dynamic between Philip and Brian. The former is a hardcase redneck, tough as shit and stronger than anyone around him. Brian, on the other hand, is kind of a wimp, the sort who’d jump at his own shadow. This clash in personalities feeds most of this book as the brothers, who obviously love each other, struggle to accept each other as capable people.


The attention to the characters isn’t to say that attention to plot is lacking, especially to those familiar with the comic books. People who stick to viewing the show aren’t familiar yet with how far Rick Grimes is willing to go to protect his family. They don’t know that he’ll stoop to murder.


Kirkman and Bonansinga show Philip Blake in much the same light. He will do anything it takes to make sure his daughter survives the zombie apocalypse, no matter how violent things get. That is the be-all-end-all for him, just like Rick. Very interesting, indeed. Is Kirkman saying that the Governor and Rick are one and the same, that if Rick continues down this path, he will become the Governor?


Philip’s descent into madness is a rather fascinating thing to watch. At first we recognize him as we would ourselves, doing whatever it takes to make sure Penny survives. Who wouldn’t want to ensure their own daughter’s survival? But as time goes by, we start to question how far we’d go.


But there’s a degree of horror to it, because we would do some of those things, too. There is a scene where Philip rapes someone, and it almost seems reasonable. Almost. If a friend of yours told you about this happening to him, you might even feel sorry for him, as Brian feels when he hears it for the first time.


But as the comic book fans know, Penny doesn’t live. When we meet the Governor in the books, he keeps her zombified body around and even feeds it pieces of human beings. When we see her die at the hands of greedy rednecks, it hurts, and when Philip goes off the rails, it’s absolutely horrifying. He’s the protagonist of the book, someone we identify with, and to watch him fall to pieces and become just as depraved as the worst villain, well, it makes us realize that this is in all of us, given the right circumstances.


But Kirkman and Bonansinga have a neat little surprise in mind for us. To mention it would be criminal, but things get mighty interesting near the end of the book, when the Blake brothers and company make it to Woodbury . . . .


To those who would like to know the Governor better, this is the perfect treat. It explains a lot, and going back to read the Woodbury story arc again, it enhances the story, especially after knowing that little surprise. The only drawback to the novel is, it’s written in present tense. For most horror stories, this lends the tale a sense of immediacy, but here it doesn’t feel right. It’s supposed to be a prequel of sorts, and to anyone who has read the books, it’s a look at the past. Using past tense would be far more appropriate.


But don’t let that detract from the story. It is very enjoyable, and any fan would be remiss to skip it just because it doesn’t have pictures.


THE WALKING DEAD: RISE OF THE GOVERNOR
Written by Robert Kirkman and Jay Bonansinga
Thomas Dunne Books
308 pages
$13.43 on Amazon