I think I may be becoming a different person. Ever since I moved into the hotel I've been feeling different. Nearly all of my routines have been destroyed, as a lot of what I did was stuff around the house. Cleaning up. Moving stuff around. Trying to make it look nice. I don't have to do any of those things here, which should give me more time for reading and writing.
I'm having difficulty with writing. I dipped back into something I've been working on for a while, but it felt so strange to me that I couldn't keep up with it. Last night's GF was an actual chore instead of the breeze it usually is. And I can't concentrate on reading for very long because something always pops up in my head, like a task I've completely forgotten to do, which I then have to do immediately.
I'm losing my sense of humor. I feel defeated and demoralized all the time. Since I moved into the hotel, I've been feeling lonely. I've never felt lonely before, and now it's a weight around my neck.
I still have a few moments of the normal me. Like last night, I heard someone moving around in the hallway, and since I was half-asleep I thought it was my brother doing something loud. I thought, what the fuck is he up to at this hour? And then I remembered. And oddly enough my job is the most normal part of my life. Just because I lost my home doesn't mean I don't have to go to work anymore.
I've lost so much I wonder if I'm even me anymore. I think I am, but I wonder at times. And then there's the booze. I know for sure if I drink, I'll be someone else. Hell, maybe I should start drinking again. Maybe this other guy I'm becoming isn't an alcoholic.
I don't know. I *do* know that I'm not happy or even just content, ever. The only moment of peace I find is when I go out to my car and smoke weed. Only then will everything be right with the world.
Last night I finished my 20 year journey of watching every episode of Gunsmoke on the 50th anniversary of its original airdate, and the final episode was pretty shitty. This last season has been bad, but is this just me becoming someone else? Or would I have assessed it the same way if I'd finished it in the comfort of my own bedroom at home?
Earlier this year I read an Alfred Bester story called "The Men Who Murdered Mohammed." It's about a scientist who finds his wife in bed with another man, so he invents a time machine to go back and kill that guy before he can get into his wife's pants. He's very troubled when he returns to his own time to discover that, even though he killed this guy, he is still sleeping with the scientist's wife.
That story made me think about the nature of time and existence. I often feel like I'm in the wrong universe, like I accidentally slipped through to this world. It could be me getting older, but this world makes less and less sense to me the older I get. and getting sucked into a Signal group chat--er, I mean, getting sucked into a parallel universe would explain that. It would also explain my "becoming." The world is trying to assimilate me like a finger that has a splinter deep inside, where you can't get it out. Soon the splinter becomes part of you, as I am becoming part of this new universe.
But Bester's idea makes more sense. Everyone experiences time on an individual basis, that people are surrounded by their own history, so that when you go back in time to do something, you're only changing *your* reality as it applies only to yourself. The rest of the world continues as it has, and this guy will keep fucking your wife no matter who you go back in time to kill.
In addition to that, I'm starting to think that maybe there is no timeline locked in, that we're constantly shifting from timeline to timeline, which would explain the Mandela Effect. In our world, ET does not say, "ET phone home." He says "ET home phone." But what if that wasn't always true because the timelines keep shifting? What if I sat at home watching ET when I was a kid and heard the former, but watching the same VHS (yes, I have a VHS player) as an adult I might hear the latter.
[I picked that one because it's easy, but I know there's a simple explanation for this one. While it is true ET said "home phone," not "phone home," there was this advertisement, which I'm assuming is where the mixup came in:
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I didn't mean to take a left turn into metaphysics, but I've had a lot on my mind lately. Without GF, I don't have a place to get those thoughts out of my head. So maybe the nature of GF will change, too.
Goodnight, fuckers.
