FUTURE BOOZE JESUS 1

Good news, everyone! We have enough questions for not one, but TWO Future Booze Jesus advice columns. But don’t let that stop you from posting more questions, which you can do in the comments section below. Let’s see if we can get a third installment, shall we?



Okay, so recording FBJ’s drunken answers didn’t work out so much because he either muttered too softly to be heard or screamed so loudly that his voice reverberated. What finally worked for me was getting hammered in front of a keyboard. There were a lot of typos, but the message got through. Edited for clarity, here are FBJ’s startling answers to your dire questions.

Billy Graham asks: “I am considering developing a methamphetamine addiction. Is this as bad an idea as the National Geographic documentaries suggest it might be?”

FBJ replies: This is the best idea you’ve ever had. Fuck National Geographic. They don’t know what they’re talking about. They should have called themselves International Geographic, if they were so smart. No, meth will make you invincible. It might even make your dick grow an extra seven inches. NEXT QUESTION!


Rico asks: “Isaac Newton invented calculus but died a virgin. What’s more important, being a math geek or getting laid?”

FBJ replies: Who the fuck uses calculus? I think you’ve answered your own stupid question. Then again, who uses your dick? The answer to life’s greatest question: prostitutes. NEXT QUESTION!

Cliff asks: “Why Future Booze Jesus? Jesus never predicted the future.”

FBJ replies: Jesus never predicted the future because he never had to; he lives there, as well as in the past and present. He knows when you’ve been touching yourself, and he knows when you’ve been beating children with rusty chains . . . because he’s there with you at all times. NEEEEEEXT QUESSSSSSTION!

Jon Lennon asks: “If Superman’s penis was cut off with a Kryptonite knife, would said penis have all the strengths of Superman? If I ingested said penis, would I gain Superman’s powers?”

FBJ replies: Funny you should mention this. DC plans to answer this question in the March 2052 issue of ACTION COMICS. For those of you not willing to wait 42 years, yes, you could fire a bullet at Superman’s disembodied cock, and it would be deflected. No, it cannot leap skyscrapers in a single bound. Yes, if you threw it at an oncoming train, it would stop the locomotive in its tracks. You would not, however, gain its powers by swallowing it. First of all, you might choke on it, since he is uncircumcised and ten inches long (flaccid). Secondly, he has not cleaned up his smegma. Lastly, it will give you indigestion, and it will never pass through your intestines. Swallowing his cock might actually kill you. As your doctor and messiah, I recommend swallowing Green Lantern’s dick instead. It’s not as cumbersome, and he keeps it clean.

That’s all for this week. Tune in next Friday for more Future Booze Jesus advice! Next up: does booze kill brain cells? Will there be a woman president in the next 20 years? What exactly is Yoda? And more! Don’t forget, if more questions arise, please post them in the comments! FBJ’s advice is free, but booze donations are welcome . . . .