Since my DUI trial has still not taken place, and I'd kind of depended on it finishing up so I can post the DUI Diary serial, I have nothing to do here on Fridays. I remember when a bunch of us got together to brainstorm for the Napalm Assault, one of my ideas was to have a Future Booze Jesus advice column.
Who is Future Booze Jesus? If you don't know this, then you haven't been around me when I'm superdrunk. If I drink enough hard liquor, I eventually leave myself behind and become Future Booze Jesus. I have precognitive powers. Yes, I can predict the future. Anyone who asks me questions when I am in this frame of mind will get truthful and accurate answers regarding the future.
So . . . why not give FBJ an advice column? Here's how it will work: if you have a question, post it in the comments here. When I get enough questions, I will get as wasted as I can, and I will answer them. These responses will be posted in a forthcoming FBJ advice column. I will take any question.
Good luck!
Dear Future Booze Jesus,
ReplyDeleteIf Superman's penis was cut off with a kryptonite knife would said penis have all the strengths of Superman? If I injested said penis would I gain Superman's powers?
Sincerely,
Jon Lennon
Dear Future Booze Jesus,
ReplyDeleteI am considering developing a methamphetamine addiction. Is this as bad an idea as the National Geographic documentaries suggest it might be?
Sincerely yours,
Billy Graham
Cliff also asks, "Why Future Booze Jesus? Jesus never predicted the future."
ReplyDeleteDear Future Booze Jesus,
ReplyDeleteIf alcohol allegedly kills all these brain cells how come it never kills the ones that make me want to drink all the time? I mean come on what are the odds that they are never killed off? I am starting to think this whole brain cell killings is a great lie.
Thanks,
That guy
There was once a time, I think it was called "Happy Days," where all the kids respected there parents and enjoyed malts and stuff.
ReplyDeleteWill there be a woman president in the next 20 years?
Thanks
Potsy
Isaac Newton invented calculus but died a virgin. What's more important, being a math geek or getting laid?
ReplyDelete-Rico
Work Wife wants to know if she will ever find the mythical unicorn, and if so, will she be disappointed?
ReplyDeleteWhy is it that the 2 positions where women are most likely to get off are the ones where they're facing away from the guy? Does eye contact make women less horny?
ReplyDeleteThis column has turned out to be harder than I thought. For a brief period of time last night, I was Future Booze Jesus, and I attempted to answer one of these questions. Unfortunately, my notes were too garbled to make any sense out of them. I'm going to try again tonight, perhaps with a recorder. Sometime next week, you will have your answers!
ReplyDeleteDear Future Booze Jesus,
ReplyDeleteI tried to strangle my cousin's baby with its own umbilical cord last night but was unsuccessful. Do you think the kid will grow up to hate me?
Sincerely,
Worried About the Womb
What the fuck is Yoda? You never see any other members of his species in STAR WARS. Is he a mutant?
ReplyDelete--Joey
Good news, everyone! There are enough questions for TWO FBJ columns! The first one is almost done and will be posted on Friday! Don't forget to tune in!
ReplyDeleteHere's a new question from Rico
ReplyDeleteWho would win in a fight: you, or Ace from Mullen's?