Over the weekend I watched the series finale of Boston Legal. It never seemed like a show that I would be interested in. Lawyers and courtrooms and such. Not my cuppa. But I was hanging out with a friend of mine, talking about how much I loved James Spader on The Blacklist, and he said I should watch Boston Legal. He mentioned one scene in particular. Spader is in the men's room taking a piss, and Candice Bergen walks in. She's one of the name partners, and he's fairly new at the firm. Moments after he zips up, he offers his hand to shake. She says that he should wash his hands first, and he replies, "I assure you I keep an extremely clean penis." Which is such a Spader thing to say.
I had no idea that everyone on this show is Spader-crazy in their own individual ways, and the show gets crazier and crazier the longer you watch it. At many points over the course of its five seasons, characters mention that they're on a TV show. At one point a new character is introduced, and William Shatner insists that he's no one important, or he would be in the opening credits. Then, when we get the opening credits, there's the new guy! Or when Spader wonders what they're going to get up to next season. There's a scene where one of the characters actually sings along to the Boston Legal theme song, which is weird because there are no lyrics. He just makes the sounds and bops his head. And in yet another scene, a character talks about a great show that is currently on the air and barely stops short of actually saying "Boston Legal."
I really wish I'd watched this show when it was actually live on TV. Spader's courtroom speeches are monologue masterpieces because it's not all about sheer lunacy. It's about injustice and how the system is geared against regular people in favor of corporations and government. So you can see how the moral message of the show really appealed to me.
But what I really want to talk about is the friendship between Alan Shore (Spader) and Denny Crane (Shatner). It explores a side of male friendship that often goes unexplored. These are two men who genuinely love each other, and it has nothing to do with sex or romance.
Yes, it is possible for two men to love each other, and it's not about sex or romance. Not only is it possible, it happens a lot.
And for fuck's sake, don't call it a bromance. What a cheap way of referring to something quite beautiful.
They tell each other of their love for one another. They have sleepovers. (You think I'm kidding about the sleepovers?) When Denny is afraid to have his head scanned for Alzheimers, Alan gets the test done first to show there's nothing to be frightened of. They have matching Halloween costumes (my favorite is the flamingos). When they realized they were too old for military duty, they broke their backs trying to get into any branch of the military that would let them in (and the National Guard took them!). They even hold hands sometimes.
Those of you who know how the show ends might mention one thing to me. It's a SPOILER, so tread lightly.
Denny does has Alzheimers, but he's been calling it Mad Cow Disease since season one because the alternative is unthinkable. He wants to make sure that when he's gone, Alan gets everything. So in a frantic moment Denny asks Alan to marry him. Alan would get every penny, no taxes taken out. At first Alan is reluctant, but then he figures, what the hell? And after a legal battle, they actually do get married. The show ends with them dancing on the balcony they usually end each show on, drinking Scotch and smoking cigars. And that's when I wish one of them had said to the other, just before the credits rolled, "Sleepover?"
There's a thing going around about male loneliness. I suppose I can sympathize, but I can't empathize. I have never been lonely a day in my life. Alone? Plenty. But I like being alone. So I have no idea what loneliness is like. I've been blessed with a lot of friends, which is really weird because that was not always the case. The first 20 years of my life? Not many friends. Very few. I could count them all on the fingers of one hand.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should start a business and teach people how to be alone. Or maybe do a self-help thing where I teach people how to attract friends. It's not that difficult. I have never tried to attract more friends, and I have an abundance of them. I think it's a matter of not coming off as miserable, that's all.
But I think a shortcut to that kind of thing is to simply watch Spader and Shatner on Boston Legal. I find it interesting that, politically, they're opposites. This was back in the old days when the left and the right weren't constantly at each others throats and denigrating each other and not giving a fucking inch to the other side under any circumstances. They disagree on those kinds of things all the time, but it doesn't hurt the love they have for each other. Alan often defends the poor, which Denny finds appalling. Denny often has at least five guns on him at any given time (and the means to turn his flatulence into a flamethrower if needed, and I am absolutely not kidding about that) and has shot people, sometimes on accident, which Alan thinks is insanely irresponsible.
But these two men love each other.
Of all the fucking shows that get reunions, why not Boston Legal? It's the only show I can think of that I would like to find out what happened to these characters. Reunion shows are almost always a waste of time. I don't like them on principle. But I would make an exception for this one.
Are Alan and Denny still dancing? I like to think so.
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